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dating slump

Dating Slump

Posted on January 18, 2020

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Lately, I’ve been in a dating slump. I’m tired of the dating process.  Each step takes so much energy and time. It’s an exhausting thing. Let’s break it down.

The Meet-Cute

You know that first time you meet someone whether online or in public? In movies, it’s called a ” meet-cute.” It’s a scene where two people may eventually form a future romantic couple meets for the first time. Usually under humorous or ” cute ” circumstances. That hasn’t necessarily been my experience in real life but let’s roll with it. You meet a guy and you two hit it off. Laughter, flirtatious conversation, and the exchange of telephone numbers commence. Y’all are really feeling each other. You depart and then is the next stage. There’s no real energy exerted during the meet-cute because it’s natural and easy. You’re usually enjoying the moment. Plus, you don’t know this man. There’s no real reason to be stressed.

Getting to Know You

After the meet-cute is the getting to know you stage. At this point is where the dating fatigue usually sets in for me. Here come the same old questions that you always hear. When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite color? etc… Tired of the same old questions I found a list of interesting questions online to shake things up a bit. However, my attempt failed. I found that a lot of men were resistant. I even explained to one man why I ask the questions. Only to get the response “Oh.”

Sir, that’s it? Nothing else? No interesting questions in response? Oh ok, onto the next. Which is why I’m in this dating slump. I’m tired of it. I know I have to power through this, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I desire marriage but this dating thing is for the birds. I’m quickly approaching apathy.

Apathy

I’ m not excited to date at all anymore. The fun has been sucked out by all of the lackluster conversations I’ve had lately. Now, I know I’ m partly to blame. In the beginning, dating was actually fun. I had a good time and enjoyed being out meeting new people. Somewhere along the line, it became a chore. It became a routine song and dance and I fell into the lull of monotony. As my interest waned so did the energy and quality of men I met. It’s a vicious cycle.

People have suggested that when I meet “the one” it will be different, that the dating slump will be over. Maybe I’ll have the same attitude and he’ll be turned off. Or, maybe he’ll see through the apathy and push to be with me. I have no idea. What  I do know is that every time I feel this apathy and frustration with anything in my life, it means that I have been relying on my own strength. In this journey, I started thinking I could do it on my own. Obviously I cannot. My own way has led to exhaustion and frustration. I need to rely on God.

Time with God

This slump extends to more than one area of my life. I feel exhausted, lost, and unenthused. Therefore, I need to spend more time with Him. I literally cannot do this on my own. His wisdom and spirit must guide my every decision; especially who I want to date. I want to date and eventually be married so I have to rely on God to show me who to date.  Fun fact, a long time ago I asked God to hold my heart in His hands and only give it to the man who asked Him for it. Since then, I have snatched my heart back so many times and given it to whoever I deemed worthy. Only consulting God on a few occasions.

It’s finally time to leave my heart in His hands. It’s finally time to leave my entire life in His hands. I’m going to pray and praise my way out of this slump. On the dating front, I’m going to take things a little slowly. I’ll take my time and seek God for real. Honestly, what’s the rush? I’ve already waited this long, might as well keep going and see what’s on the other side of my prayerful obedience.

The Journey

I’m not sure of the specifics, but I know I’ll be married to a wonderful man one day. I’ll tell him about my journey and we’ll laugh together. Then we’ll thank God for bringing us together. It’s all working for my good. Every straight-faced LOL and all of the repetitive questions will help me to get to my destination in God. Through Him, I can renew my mindset and perspective on dating. I’m coming out of this dating slump! I’m coming out of this life slump! I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Thanks for joining me on a journey through singleness.

-Kim

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Becoming Exclusive

Posted on March 9, 2019


I’ve been dating this guy for about three months and naturally, becoming exclusive came up. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before. I just need to take some time and figure out exactly what becoming exclusive means.

Dating

Before becoming exclusive, there is of course dating. I had to redefine what dating means, to know what exclusivity means. Dating isn’t being in a relationship. Dating is the time to have fun and get to know more about me and the other person.

Dating is the time for us women to realize who we are. We are the gift, we are the favor of God, and we are a good thing. Dating helped me realize just how much of a prize I am.

I learn my likes and dislikes while dating. I learn what I want and what I don’t want. Then, I can weed men out accordingly. Dating is not the time to show off how good of a wife I can be. This is time to get to know someone. It should be light and fun but done with the understanding that this could progress into something serious.

Dating is also the time to set your expectations. Set them early and often. Expectations can be as simple as not calling or texting after a certain time. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t meet your needs or expectations now, then he certainly won’t when you’re exclusive.

Exclusivity is Earned

There is no reason exclusivity should be given away like it’s nothing. Exclusivity is a big deal. At this point, you know who you are and what you want. The man has shown that he is a good man that you could see yourself with longterm. His pursuit of you is righteous and glorifies God. Although he may not have everything you want, he certainly displays characteristics that would make him a good husband. So how does he earn your exclusivity?

He earns your exclusivity through his pursuit. He earns it by recognizing that you will bring favor to his life. It is also earned by going through your support system. So introduce him to your circle. Introduce him to those people who pray for you, love you, and hold you accountable.

If you are considering being exclusive with someone, then you really like this person. You may be blinded to some things about him because of how much you like him. Your support system can point these things out and be honest with you. They can also ask questions you may not have thought of because of their different life experiences.

Feelings

I don’t want to discount your feelings in this process. Feelings about a person and chemistry with a person are very real things and should be taken into account. However, I don’t believe you should make any decisions solely based on feelings. Which is why your support circle is so important. Make sure you’re being sober-minded and basing your decision on facts and behavior, not just feelings.

Becoming Exclusive

Now, the man has earned your exclusivity and you feel comfortable giving it to him. What does that really mean? It means you are now in a relationship with him that could be progressing, if all goes well, toward marriage.

Exclusivity means that you are no longer dating or talkingwith anyone else. This is the stage where you set your intentions and work toward those goals together. Marriage could very well be the next logical step after exclusivity, which is why it’s such a big deal.

This is also the stage where you get to know each other on a deeper level. You’ll have more talks about your future, what you want out of life, and if your purposes align.  Of course, these are topics you can discuss at any time, but try not to go too deep too soon.

Time Frame

There is no set time for any of these stages. Go as slow, or as fast, as you need. In fact, it may take a while to adjust to dating in this way. Normally when we like a guy we become exclusive almost immediately, realize he’s wack, and then break up. I’m tired of that. I just can’t do that anymore. That’s why exclusivity matters. However long it takes to get there, is how long it takes. It is important to be cognizant of time though.

If you’re still in the dating phase with a person after a significant period, it may be time to reevaluate the situation. Either he’s not into you, or you’re not into him. It’s ok not to know right away, but at some point, you will have to make the decision to move forward together or separately.

Remember This

My prayer for you (and for me) is that you meet the man God has for you. So until that day comes, keep living for God. Remain faithful and prayerful. Realize that you, my dear sister, are a gift. Know that you can still date God’s way and have fun. Don’t feel any pressure to do something or know something right way. Continue to receive input from your circle. Sharpen your skills of discernment. They will be tested while you are dating.

God always gives us what we need exactly when we need it. No matter wha, be sure to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything.  Thanks for following me on my journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

P.S. I don’t think the guy has earned the right to be exclusive with me yet. He has agreed to meet my support system though. So I’m still dating and having fun. I’ll keep you posted on what happens next. 😉

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My Story

Posted on January 18, 2019

Today I want to tell you a little more about me. It’s only been 1.5 years since I have really accepted myself. It has taken most of my life to believe that I was beautiful or worthy of love. This has been a long journey, so let’s go back to the beginning.

The Beginning

When I was a little girl, I never really thought about my physical appearance. I imagine I was like most other little girls. My only concerns were making sure I did what I had to do so I could go play and have fun.

I spent my summer days with my grandmother. One summer day when I was around 8 years old, my care-free days came to a crashing halt.

Some event was taking place that day and the entire family was at my grandmother’s house. I ran into her house, happy yet exhausted from a full day of playing outside.

I don’t remember what I was doing or saying. Nothing stands out in my mind as to why my close adult relative pulled me to the side and called me fat and ugly.

I do remember how I felt just after hearing those words; crushed. My feelings were really hurt. I told another adult and the response was, well lose weight then.

What I heard was, you are ugly, but at least you can change it.

I must deserve this. If two grown people think this it must be true. What I feel about myself no longer matters.

The Result

Several things happened in that moment.

  1. I believed it.
  2. My feelings weren’t validated.
  3. I began to internalize things and not speak.
  4. I stopped believing the positive things people said about me.
  5. My cycle of low self-esteem and self-worth began.
  6. I felt unloved.

The Cycle Begins

From that point on, I literally hated looking in the mirror. I felt bad that other people had to look at me.

So as I matured and become a teenager, imagine my surprise when I notice boys are starting to look at me. By this point, I was so desperate for validation, I take to whoever calls me beautiful.

I choose who to date based on how beautiful they think I am. So starts the cycle of me choosing the wrong men.  I required them to spend all of their time with me. They had to constantly tell me how pretty I was. That’s how I felt love.

If they didn’t affirm me it was a problem. I needed constant validation. Why were they with me? What else did I have to offer?

It didn’t matter that I had graduated from law school and passed the bar by the age of 24. My accomplishments meant nothing because of how I viewed myself.

How I looked or dressed didn’t matter because what was the point? I just didn’t care. After the end of my 5-year relationship I hit rock-bottom.

Although I knew I couldn’t marry him, I had thoughts that no one will ever want me again. I’m still not pretty enough, I’m still not valuable enough. No one cares about what I think, feel, or what I have to say.

Healing

Then my true healing began. I have talked about this period a lot, but I never shared the impetus of the pain. That’s why I’m quiet. That’s why I pushed people away. I’m glad God showed the root cause, so I can heal properly.

This is what led me to God and to Him affirming me and validating me. It still took some time for me to really believe that I was valuable and loved.

I constantly prayed for God to love me, not knowing that He always had and always will. That nothing will separate me from His love. I prayed for things that I already had.

That’s why I say feelings aren’t facts. It took me until I was almost 32 years old to feel confident in myself. To know that I don’t need the validation of others to function.

My voice matters and what I have to say is important. It took me to do a podcast and blog to realize that people do want to hear what I have to say.

My confidence doesn’t come from anyone else. It only comes from God.

The Other Side

It was a long and painful process, but I made it. I am decidedly on the other side. Praise God!

Now I don’t have to make decisions from a broken place. I choose who to date based not on how good they think I look but based on their character.

While I appreciate compliments, I don’t need them anymore. I truly desire a a man who will love God more than he will ever love me. I realize that it’s not all about me.

The confidence I have now, God gave it to me. He gave me a peace and love that I have never known before. I’m excited to see what God has in store because it can only get better from here.

Remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do!

-Kim