Category:

marriage

Becoming Exclusive

Posted on March 9, 2019


I’ve been dating this guy for about three months and naturally, becoming exclusive came up. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before. I just need to take some time and figure out exactly what becoming exclusive means.

Dating

Before becoming exclusive, there is of course dating. I had to redefine what dating means, to know what exclusivity means. Dating isn’t being in a relationship. Dating is the time to have fun and get to know more about me and the other person.

Dating is the time for us women to realize who we are. We are the gift, we are the favor of God, and we are a good thing. Dating helped me realize just how much of a prize I am.

I learn my likes and dislikes while dating. I learn what I want and what I don’t want. Then, I can weed men out accordingly. Dating is not the time to show off how good of a wife I can be. This is time to get to know someone. It should be light and fun but done with the understanding that this could progress into something serious.

Dating is also the time to set your expectations. Set them early and often. Expectations can be as simple as not calling or texting after a certain time. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t meet your needs or expectations now, then he certainly won’t when you’re exclusive.

Exclusivity is Earned

There is no reason exclusivity should be given away like it’s nothing. Exclusivity is a big deal. At this point, you know who you are and what you want. The man has shown that he is a good man that you could see yourself with longterm. His pursuit of you is righteous and glorifies God. Although he may not have everything you want, he certainly displays characteristics that would make him a good husband. So how does he earn your exclusivity?

He earns your exclusivity through his pursuit. He earns it by recognizing that you will bring favor to his life. It is also earned by going through your support system. So introduce him to your circle. Introduce him to those people who pray for you, love you, and hold you accountable.

If you are considering being exclusive with someone, then you really like this person. You may be blinded to some things about him because of how much you like him. Your support system can point these things out and be honest with you. They can also ask questions you may not have thought of because of their different life experiences.

Feelings

I don’t want to discount your feelings in this process. Feelings about a person and chemistry with a person are very real things and should be taken into account. However, I don’t believe you should make any decisions solely based on feelings. Which is why your support circle is so important. Make sure you’re being sober-minded and basing your decision on facts and behavior, not just feelings.

Becoming Exclusive

Now, the man has earned your exclusivity and you feel comfortable giving it to him. What does that really mean? It means you are now in a relationship with him that could be progressing, if all goes well, toward marriage.

Exclusivity means that you are no longer dating or talkingwith anyone else. This is the stage where you set your intentions and work toward those goals together. Marriage could very well be the next logical step after exclusivity, which is why it’s such a big deal.

This is also the stage where you get to know each other on a deeper level. You’ll have more talks about your future, what you want out of life, and if your purposes align.  Of course, these are topics you can discuss at any time, but try not to go too deep too soon.

Time Frame

There is no set time for any of these stages. Go as slow, or as fast, as you need. In fact, it may take a while to adjust to dating in this way. Normally when we like a guy we become exclusive almost immediately, realize he’s wack, and then break up. I’m tired of that. I just can’t do that anymore. That’s why exclusivity matters. However long it takes to get there, is how long it takes. It is important to be cognizant of time though.

If you’re still in the dating phase with a person after a significant period, it may be time to reevaluate the situation. Either he’s not into you, or you’re not into him. It’s ok not to know right away, but at some point, you will have to make the decision to move forward together or separately.

Remember This

My prayer for you (and for me) is that you meet the man God has for you. So until that day comes, keep living for God. Remain faithful and prayerful. Realize that you, my dear sister, are a gift. Know that you can still date God’s way and have fun. Don’t feel any pressure to do something or know something right way. Continue to receive input from your circle. Sharpen your skills of discernment. They will be tested while you are dating.

God always gives us what we need exactly when we need it. No matter wha, be sure to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything.  Thanks for following me on my journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

P.S. I don’t think the guy has earned the right to be exclusive with me yet. He has agreed to meet my support system though. So I’m still dating and having fun. I’ll keep you posted on what happens next. 😉

Becoming Exclusive
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Keeping God First While Dating

Posted on February 15, 2019

Dating can be a pretty treacherous thing. Especially in today’s world.  There are so many men who seem so good, but end up being crazy, sex-crazed, or just plain weird. So what is a single Christian woman supposed to do? We must make sure to put God first. Seems simple right? But how can we make sure to put God first while dating?

Matthew 6:33 says, “But above all pursue His kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.” I want all those things given to me, so here are some tips to help you put God first while dating.

  1. Pray

There is no way you can do this on your own. Prayer strengthens, calms, and provides clarity. Pray for wisdom, discernment, and for more faith to trust God fully. Most importantly, pray for His will to be done and to be led by the Holy Spirit. In order to keep God first, you must talk to Him consistently. You should also spend time with Him and His word meditating and studying. Which, coincidentally, is the next tip. 

  1. Meditate and Study

There aren’t really any scriptures for dating in this technology-driven age. However, there are plenty of scriptures on trusting God, depending on God, and following the leading of the Holy Spirit. One that immediately comes to mind is Proverbs 3:5-7 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.”

Study and meditate on these scriptures so that you will keep God first and won’t be led astray or distracted by someone who doesn’t belong in your future. Get them down in your heart and spirit so that you will be able to discern what’s from God. These types of scriptures will help you decide who to date in the first place.

  1. Pray with and for your date

Hopefully, you’re dating a Christian man who prays.  If he’s not a Christian, then why are you dating him sis? No, seriously, why are you dating him? You should only be dating men that are marriage potential, but that’s another post. As you can see, prayer is a key component in keeping God first while dating. Pray for him before and after your date. Pray that God reveals anything about him that may be a red flag. Pray that he is led by the Holy Spirit too.

Now, praying with him may be a bit awkward, especially if the relationship is new. But, if he prays on a regular basis, asking him to pray with you shouldn’t run him off. If it does, then do you really want that man anyway? If you want to ease into praying with him, ask him what he’s been praying about lately. That way, you can broach the topic without seeming too religious or spooky deep.

Now, I’m not telling you anything that I haven’t personally done. These are tips that I have learned to do the hard way. It’s so important that you keep God first in everything because He will be the foundation of a good marriage.

As I continue to date, I’m learning so much about myself and about how important it is for me to lean on God. I pray that you learn from my dating misadventures so you won’t have to repeat the same mistakes. Thanks for following me on this journey as a single Christian woman. Remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in all you do!

-Kim

 

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A Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 8, 2019
valentine heart

So you’re single and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  What are you going to do? How are you going to survive another Valentine’s Day being single? Are you going to pretend the day doesn’t exist? Will you stuff your face with food and hide out? You don’t have to do any of that. Here is a single girl’s guide to Valentine’s Day.

1. Date Yourself.

If you are confident and a little adventurous, put on that fancy dress and those heels and take yourself to that restaurant you’ve been dying to try.  Go see that movie that no one else will see with you. Get your nails and hair done. Look and feel as fabulous as you possibly can, then treat yourself to whatever makes you feel fancy.  Who says you have to wait on a man to take you on a date? You are already complete in Christ. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Girl, take yourself out. You deserve it.

2. Log Off of Social Media.

If  you are prone to feeling down or sad because you’re single around Valentine’s Day make sure you log off of social media.  Seeing those couples being lovey-dovey is one sure way to get you all in your feelings. So, just log off. You can log back on when all the Valentine’s Day posts and pictures die down. While you are off, spend some time doing something fulfilling. Read a book you’ve been wanting to read. Go exercise or talk to friends. Pray, meditate, and see what God wants you to do and what He wants to say to you. Take this time you usually spend on social media and just live your life. There is no reason you have to feel sad or lonely on Valentine’s Day.

3. Stop Comparing Yourself.

This goes hand in hand with number two. Looking at all those couples on Instagram or Facebook may have you thinking that you don’t measure up. Nothing is wrong with being single. Nor is it wrong to want companionship, but if you are looking at social media or people around you and pressuring yourself to get into a relationship then stop it. What usually happens when you compare yourself is that you either end up on the short end of the stick or you end up valuing yourself too highly. Neither of those are good for your soul or self-esteem. You must remember that you are enough within yourself.  You are doing this thing according to God‘s timing and it will work in your favor in the end. Your story will be beautiful too, even if it is taking a little longer than anticipated.

4. Go Out With Your Girls.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to get together with your girls and have a fun night out. This option is especially good for those who aren’t yet brave enough to go out alone. Take this time to catch up with some girlfriends you haven’t seen in a while.  Have dinner and see a movie. Go to a comedy club and just have plain good fun. You may just end up having more fun with your girls than you would with a valentine.

5. Do Not Go Out With Some Random Dude Just to Have a Valentine.

This is more of a don’t than a do, but it needs to be said all the same.  Dating a random is a bad idea because you probably don’t like him in the first place. Since you don’t like him, you probably won’t have a good time. As Christian singles we should really stick to dating quality men who we could possibly see a future with. Now I’m not saying you should evaluate men for marriage on the first date or even before the first date, but don’t go out with a random just to have a date on Valentine’s Day.  If a good man that meets your standards happens to ask you out, but all means go, but don’t let loneliness and desperation pressure you into dating a dusty, crusty, and lusty man.

6. Reflect on the Love You Already Have.

On Valentine’s Day we always default to the idea of romantic love or a lack thereof. In reality we are surrounded by an abundance of love. Reflect on the love of family, friends, or even children. Look at how loved and supported you have been just this year. Also reflect on the love that God has for you.  He has loved you and known you before you were even in your mother’s womb. Don’t forget to reflect on how much you love yourself. Look back on how far you’ve come. You’re pretty amazing. Remember who you are and how loved you truly are despite not having a man for Valentine’s Day.

7. Make a Plan for Companionship.

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you do not have a valentine make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day. Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. You will get through this one like you have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine your self-worth or your value as a woman. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day does not diminish anything about you. You are still a strong, loving, and amazing woman. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Maybe It’s You…

Posted on October 13, 2018

Maybe it’s you. Let’s consider for a moment that you are the reason you are single. Maybe it’s not because all men or women are trash. Maybe it’s not God. Maybe we are blocking our own blessings.

Let me get personal for a minute. Maybe I’m the reason I’m single. I have to take an honest look at myself. In which areas could I improve?

I’m a horrible flirter. I take things too literally. I often can’t tell when someone is interested in or flirting with me. I give direct answers to flirty questions. I always think people are being nice, not flirty.  Men walk away without my number assuming I wasn’t interested. My friends have to tell me when someone flirting with me.

I don’t really go out. Most of the time I’m tired from work or church and when I get some time to myself, I want to spend it resting. How can I meet someone when I’m at home alone so much?

Do I even really know what I’m looking for in a future spouse. I always say things like he should have a good sense of humor and be a man of God, but what do those things really mean?

Do I want him to be funny or just know how to take a joke? Do I just want him to go to church or do I want him to have a relationship with Christ?

Am I still bitter from past relationships? Do I make the new men pay for what the old man did? Have I really forgiven my ex like I thought I did? I still have trust issues. I’m not sure I believe that a man will be faithful.

Let’s go a bit deeper. Am I being obedient to God’s word and His will? Does my daily walk look like I’m a follower of Christ? Am I willing to serve and be supportive?

Can I be selfless and forgiving? Am I prepared to let someone else have a say in my decisions other than God?

Or maybe I’m fantastic and I just haven’t met the right man yet. Either way, I want to remove everything that will keep me out of God’s will.

I am going to be a full participant in my marriage and I don’t want anything in me to hinder it. Moreover, I don’t want anything in me to hinder any blessing God has for me.

So, I’m taking the last quarter of 2018 to focus on becoming whole. I still desire marriage. By focusing on my own healing, wholeness, and deliverance I’ll just be better prepared for it.

I’m not perfect and I’m not expecting my husband to be either. I am going to keep pushing to be a better version of me though. Not for my husband, but to please God. I want everything He placed in me to be poured out.

I believe it’s time for us to focus on becoming whole and satisfied by ourselves. God is faithful even in our singleness. After all, the goal isn’t marriage. The ultimate goal is to get to heaven and I’m determined to get there.

Watch the latest podcast episode: Why Celibacy?

The One

Posted on September 1, 2018

I’m not sure I believe in the concept of “the one.” I know the world and even some churches spout the idea of only one person for every person out there. But, what if that’s not true? What if there isn’t only one person for me? What if we have to use our wisdom and discernment to decide who is best for us?

I know, I know. We have this entire idea in our heads that there is this one perfect person who will be our soul mate. We hold a fantasy that this person will bring happiness, completion, and satisfaction to our lives once we meet them. I just don’t buy it.

Out of all the billions of people on this earth, only one of them is for me? What if he married another person? What if he dies before I meet him? There are all sorts of scenarios that could keep me from meeting “the one.” That’s why I definitely think there isn’t just one person who is my soul mate.

If there’s no such thing as “the one”, how do we know who to marry? Like I said before, I think that’s where our God-given wisdom and discernment come into play. We know what is attractive and what we want in a future spouse. Let’s ask God in prayer to help us see those characteristics. Let’s make sure that we are desiring what aligns with His will.

We have heard testimonies from people saying God told them this one person was their spouse and they ended up marrying that person. We have also heard testimonies from people who heard God tell them who their spouse is, and that person ended up marrying someone else.

So, what’s going on? Is God telling some people and not others? Are people just attributing their attraction to God? To answer some of these questions, I studied some married couples in the bible. The first, of course, is Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:21-24).

God put Adam to sleep, took part of his side, and built Eve. Yahweh created Eve as a companion who corresponded with Adam. When Adam awoke, God brought Eve to him. Adam then exclaimed, “At last!” Which is in today’s terms is something like “hot diggity dog, finally someone for me!”

God never specifically told Adam to marry Eve, but I guess He didn’t have to. Adam liked what he saw in Eve, called her woman, and had relations with her.

The next couple is Rebekah and Isaac (Genesis 24:12-21, 66-67). Rebekah’s story begins with Abraham wanting a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife. While the servant was traveling he asked God for a sign. He asked God that the woman to be Isaac’s wife offer him water and offer to water his camels.

Before the servant finished praying, Rebekah was walking by. She had the characteristics he prayed for. Isaac loved her and took her as his wife. Here, God didn’t tell the servant the specific person Isaac should marry, but He did answer his prayers by sending Rebekah. 

The next couple is Hosea and Gomer. Yahweh spoke to Hosea and to him to, “go marry a prostitute who will bear illegitimate children conceived through prostitution because the nation continually commits spiritual prostitution by turning away from the Lord” (Hosea 1:2-3). Hosea was obedient and married a prostitute named Gomer.

God told Hosea the type of woman to marry, but not exactly who to marry. It was Hosea’s responsibility to go out and find a prostitute. Perhaps God will tell you the type of person to marry. Then it’s up to you to choose the person who meets God’s requirements.

The last couple is Mary and Joseph, who were engaged. But before they had marital relations, Mary became pregnant with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. Joseph planned to send her away privately because he was a righteous man.

While he thought about leaving her, an angel of the Lord came to him. The angel said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, because the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 1:18-25). Joseph obeyed. God told him specifically who to marry so that His plan for salvation could be fulfilled.

I believe that God will definitely speak to us about the type of person we should marry. I also believe that we should pray for our future spouse. We must know what characteristics they should have and make sure they align with God’s purpose for our lives.

Put God first in all things. He will direct our paths. Keep trusting and believing in God. Although there isn’t “the one,” there is someone you will choose to marry. Remain prayerful and hopeful. It’s still in God’s hands.