I’m battling God and I’m tired. I’m running away from the calling God placed on my life. I’m battling to keep what I need to let go. I fought for so long to have my way and now I’m exhausted. The battle cost me peace, happiness, the ability to love without condition, and patience. Why am I fighting with God? Because I am afraid.
Terrified
I’m terrified I’m not worth more than what I have right now. What if this is all there is and God doesn’t do what He promised? What if He takes longer than I’m willing to wait. Am I willing to forsake the future God showed me, for now? If I continue to keep what He told me to let go, will I ever get to what God has for me?
Even if I embrace God’s path for me, will I get to it? Am I even worthy enough to do His work? It gets hard and lonely as the super saved girl. What if I just don’t have what it takes? I declare every day that I am confident in God and His word. But, how do I trust when it seems like I’m waiting in vain? This I know for sure, every time I fully surrendered and trusted Him fully, He blew my mind.
Surrender
So, how do I get back to that place? That place where I let go and let God. How do I get to the fully surrendered, prostrate before the Lord, just me and Him place? I used to be there. I heard His voice clearly and followed it. My selfish desires get the best of me. I got distracted, confused, and lost. I fell all the way down. How did I get here?
I know the scriptures, I know the pitfalls to avoid. Or, at least I thought I did. Now I’m unstable. I’m fighting and screaming just to get back, but He seems so far away. That’s when I fell to my knees and gave up the fight. God, I cannot live this way. You called me to be holy and set apart. The righteous fall seven times and get back up. I need to get up. I have sinned and fallen short of the glorious standard of Christ but there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
Victory at Last
I’m in Christ. He has taken on every sin. He paid the penalty for each fall. Lord, help me get to a place where I abhor sin. Where I crucify my flesh with its lust and desires for this world, and pick up my cross and follow You. Help me to be grateful for today and not worry about tomorrow or what’s to come. Let me do what I can do today.
I have to make sure I’m hearing God’s voice above it all. God’s voice is in His word. I surrender God, I surrender all. I’m tired of trying it my own way. I fully accept the calling, gifts, and talents you have placed in my life. You win God. Funny thing is, I finally feel victorious. Now, I’m ready to walk the path to redemption.
Becoming a better person requires a lot of work. Personal growth requires strength and self-awareness which I can only get from God. The process is sometimes so strenuous that I actually ask myself and God frequently if this is really what I need?
Is all this work to become a better person really worth it? Do I really want all that God has for me? Do I want to see His word manifest in my life? Is the juice worth the squeeze?
The Battle
Honestly, the battle is real. Parts of me say yes, while other parts of me say no. Every year I suffer from severe low moods. It’s not necessarily depression, but I recognize the pattern. Last year I made a declaration that I would not go through that again. However, I didn’t realize the amount of work, prayer, and mind renewal this requires. Am I willing to do the necessary work to fulfill my plans and goals? Do I have what it takes to realize God’s plans for me?
To put this in perspective, I had to remember what not working felt like. I had to remember what living below the promises God looked like in my life. Although realizing His plan and for my life may require more work than I anticipated, I am not willing to live on this side of heaven and not see His goodness.
It’s Worth It
So, the answer is a resounding yes! Yes, I am determined that this year I will battle and win. I know that it will be a fight. There will be work behind my declaration. I’m prepared to fight this year. My struggle isn’t against flesh and blood, but against the dark powers of this world.
I will put on the whole armor of God and stand. I’m going to come out on the other side of this stronger and wiser. It’s the enemy’s job to steal, kill, and destroy, but he can’t have my future. He can’t have my mind. He can’t have what is meant for me. I am determined to win this battle. I will win this fight. The good news is that I’m already victorious.
It’s totally worth it to fight and become the better person God’s calling me to be. The freedom, victory, intimacy with our Father is so worth it. It’s the ultimate goal. No, it’s not always fun. But, I trust God enough to know that He will never lead me wrong. In the end, becoming a better person is for my good.
Secret sin is making my heart hard. It’s separating me from God’s grace. I feel like I’m not getting any closer to my destiny, my purpose. I feel like I’m further away actually. I want to be closer to God but this secret sin is keeping me from Him. No one is created to live a lifestyle of sin.
Death
It always seems like you’re getting away with it, but the wage of sin is death. This lifestyle isn’t sustainable. Even though no one knows, I can see death sprouting in certain areas. I can’t hear God as clearly anymore. I’m separating myself from people I should be close to. I’m second-guessing myself in areas in which I used to be confident.
God told me I would face temptation this year. I listened for a little while. He offered me every opportunity to escape it. He is faithful, He kept up His end of the deal. It was me who didn’t listen. I should have followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit months ago. I forgot about the warning. I let my flesh lead me. I let the enemy fool me.
Honestly, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew the consequences, what could potentially happen. I did it anyway. I knew the impact it could, and may still have on my destiny. I did it anyway. I know sin results in death, guilt, shame, remorse, and hopelessness. I did it anyway and kept it a secret.
Freedom
So, what’s the solution? How do I become free of this? I was a slave then I was set free. I voluntarily went back to slavery. I still have freedom in me. I’m still in Christ. He has still set me free. I just have to realize it and walk in it. No chains are holding me. It’s done. Over. Finished. You, God, are the breaker of chains. Your spirit sets me free.
Because I settled and compromised and landed in a place far from God. This is so unlike me. Or is it? Is it like me to accept things I don’t want? To do things I don’t want to do? It doesn’t matter. That’s not who I am anymore. I’m learning to be more confident in asserting myself and what I want. I’m learning to fight for every promise. I’m more determined more than ever to live for God. I will see His kingdom here on earth. The problem is, I keep replaying the situation over and over in my mind.
Forgetting
I can’t forget. It’s part of my life now. This sin happened. The key is no condemnation. I have to move forward and press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling in Jesus. Not condemning myself is hard though. The problem isn’t that I can’t forget, it’s that I keep remembering. The thoughts come without warning. They pop up out of nowhere. Because I willingly didn’t do what was right, I feel like I need punishment. I knew the righteous thing to do and didn’t do it.
At first, I let these thoughts run rampant. After all, it’s what I deserve. But, God’s grace and mercy swooped in and reminded me that Jesus’ blood has already washed me. He already paid the price for my sins. So, why am I punishing myself? It took me a while to get there, but the memories of my past sin aren’t frequent. I pray every time those thoughts come and declare God’s truth. Slowly but surely this will be behind me. Thank God forgiveness isn’t based on forgetting.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is based on confession and repentance. Confession requires that I agree with God that I sinned. Repentance requires not only a change in behavior, but a total turn from sin in my body, mind, and heart. I have to turn away from sin and back to God. So, God, I confess that I sinned against you. I agree that what I did was wrong. I want to be in right relationship with you Lord. Renew a right spirit within me, Lord. Clean me and make me new again. Forgive me and help me forgive myself.
I am free. I am forgiven. This experience has taught me to depend on God’s grace. I need Him. I am not designed to do this alone. Thank You, God, that I don’t have to. God has not given up on me yet. His word over my life will be fulfilled.
Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness! We all struggle sometimes. The righteous may fall, but with God’s help, we can always get back up. Love you all.
Until next time,
Kim
P.S. People always assume when speaking of secret sin, that it’s something sexual. That’s not always the case. Sin can be lying, not loving my neighbor, or just plain not doing what God told me to do. I have done it all. Christ’s blood has redeemed me and declared me not guilty. I choose to live in that truth and *try* not to dwell on my mistakes. I pray that you live in that truth as well.
Overall dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some really great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently I fell into a dusty man trap. I usually don’t dwell too much on the unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it’s necessary. Here’s how I fell into a dusty-man trap.
I always protect the innocent, so I’ll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It’s not personal. I have 5 things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him.
Christian
Have a job
Have a car
Have his own place to stay
No more than 1 child, but preferably none
How it Started
I mentioned those criteria because I went out on 2 dates with a guy that, unbeknownst to me, didn’t meet any of them. He was a dusty man. Let’s start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don’t remember why we stopped, I just remember that we did.
Then summer hits and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It’s Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. During the course of this chatting, I ask why we initially stopped talking and he changed the subject. Looking back that should have been my first red flag.
We had trouble finding a time to go out because I’m a busy woman. I don’t cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about 2 weeks before we actually met up. During this time I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time.
The Meetup
A couple of days before we are supposed to go out he calls and says that he just has to see me. I said we’re supposed to go out soon can’t you just wait? He said no, he has to see me right away. This is a Sunday morning and I’m getting ready for church. I really didn’t have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag.
I get ready super fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I’m always talking about. It’s late June or early July, but either way, it’s super hot. The air in my car isn’t working that well so I’m sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up. He hops out of the car in the most unflattering outfit I’ve ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn’t quite cover his ashy knees, and slides.
Disappointment
At this point I’m thinking to myself, you just had to see me and this is how you look? I’m super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God’s gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn’t wait until our date to see me.
He’s licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I really don’t remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don’t say anything because I’m hot and annoyed. Plus he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes then say I need to leave. At this point, I’m devising a plan in my head on how to let him down easy. But it didn’t go exactly as planned.
Falling Into the Trap
The next day I call him and we’re keeping it light at first. Talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I’m not romantically interested and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap. As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and that he lost his debit card. It sounds really suspicious but I say ok, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he really wants to see me again.
We go out, he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time. He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I’m determined to break things off. Then he asks me for a ride home. I give him one and on my way back to my house I am fussing at myself for going out with this dusty, crusty man. Mind you, he didn’t dress any better for our date.
The more we talk, the more I find out about him. He really doesn’t have a job. He also doesn’t have a stable place to live. He goes in-between family member’s houses. There’s nothing wrong with this. I get that that people go through hard times, but why lie about it and try to date on top of that?
Lessons Learned
But, I ended up going out with him again. Don’t ask me why. Perhaps I needed to learn a lesson about smooth-talking dusty men. Maybe I thought I could help. In the end, I realized that I’m not the type of woman that can date potential. I need to see some actual results. I need to see your plan taking shape. I’m not asking any man to be at the final place, but I need to see steps being taken in that direction.
I also learned not to be so hard on myself. I should not have gone out with Gary. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because he had nice pictures online. Those pictures didn’t match reality by the way. I serve a forgiving God who said there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If I’m in Christ, which I am, why should I condemn and be so hard on myself? I had to forgive myself for being foolish, believing lies, and falling into a dusty-man trap. I survived though. Now, I will pay attention to red flags.
I had to go back to God and find out what I really want. I won’t be making a dusty man mistake again. I can move forward with the knowledge that God wants me to be happy and that I will be. Still out here dating, but I’m taking my time. Vetting men a little more than I used to. I’m grateful for the experience. Glad to know that God’s got me even when I mess up.
Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness!
I’ve never dated so much in my life. I’ve been on many dates with several men. I have had so much fun. Now, I have a better understanding of what I want. Here are my top five dating lessons learned:
Lesson 1: Surrender
Through this dating process, I’ve let go of a lot of my ideas about love. I learned to surrender. I learned to be vulnerable. I am still learning how to feel my emotions without being led by them. I learned how to say what I want. Being with someone for the rest of my life will require me to give of myself, sometimes more than I’m comfortable with.
Honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are all areas in which I struggle. It’s hard for me to let go of my ideas and plans. Once I truly let go, I see how beautiful life can be. When I surrender, I see God at work and I move out of the way. The same thing happens with relationships. When I stop trying to control the outcome everything turns out greater than I ever expected.
Lesson 2: I’m the Prize
Placing a high value on my self-worth has allowed other people to treat me as such. When God created me He made a masterpiece. He created something beautiful. Why would I allow anyone to treat me as something less? How can I treat myself as something less than the best? I deserve to be pursued. I do not have to compromise. I will have what God wants for me. I am the prize.
Lesson 3: Where My Hope Comes From
Dating has its ups and downs. There will be periods of time where I hit it off with every guy I like, and then there are periods of time where things just aren’t clicking. During the low moments, it’s easy to get discouraged. When a guy I like ghosts, often the first thought is that I did something wrong. It was during these moments that I had to rely on God and His promises to get me through.
He never promised that I wouldn’t struggle, but He did promise that He already overcame this trouble-filled world. I had to remember, in good times and in bad, that whatever the outcome is my hope will remain in Jesus. My confidence isn’t in me, it’s in Him who works through me. This helped me adjust my attitude when things went left, and to maintain my attitude when things went my way.
Lesson 4: Keep God First
This may sound silly but for a long time, I thought in order to be a real Christian and keep God first I couldn’t do much else. I thought in order to stay on the straight and narrow, I could only go to work, church, and home. The problem with that was that it was boring. I wasn’t meeting anyone, especially not men, and I was losing sight of what God had promised me.
It’s weird, but dating made me put God first. I was very intentional about keeping God involved in my dating process. I prayed before going out, I prayed on the way there, I prayed about the guy. I studied more scripture to make sure I was sober-minded. I asked friends and family for advice and to hold me accountable. This habit spilled over into other areas of my life. Now I know that as long as He’s first, everything else will fall into place.
Lesson 5: I Am A Wife
I believe I’m in the position to be found. I declare I’m a wife now. No, I’m not married yet and there is no potential man in the picture right now. But I declare that I am a wife right now. Yes, I can cook and clean and fulfill all of those domestic duties, but being a wife is about more than that. To do a little humble bragging, I have a good character. I can listen, help, support, encourage, pray, believe, love, and make money. There are definitely still things I need to learn about being a wife but I know I am a good thing. I am a wife.
Bonus Lesson: What I Want
I know I want a man who loves God more than he will ever love me. I want a man who’s responsible with money. I want a worshipper. I want a spiritual leader. I want someone who will pray with me and for me. Now, I realize the importance of having Christ as the foundation. Maybe dating as I have isn’t the path for everyone. I’m happy God took me along this path though. While it hasn’t been easy, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made.
So here’s my truth. I want to be married. While I’m thankful that I’ve had to opportunity to meet so many great men, I want my husband. Dating has been amazing. But, what I really want is my husband and family. What I truly want is to allow God to do His job and I put in the work of me dating men I can see myself marrying.
I started this journey because I want every promise God has for me. I’m determined to see His goodness in the land of the living. This isn’t the end of me dating. It’s the beginning of my taking dating seriously. So, prayerfully I will not be dating for long (please Jesus). Of course, it will happen in His timing and I’m in no rush. Until then, thanks for joining me on this journey of being Single In Christ.
As Christian singles, especially single Christian women, we are advised to pray and wait. For every conceivable request, the answer is, and I think will probably always be, pray and wait. God will give you the desires of your heart girl, just pray and wait. He’s going to do it. Don’t give up, keep on praying and waiting. So, what happens when that advice isn’t working?
Advice for Christian Singles
I have even given that advice before. Just hold on to the promise. Don’t lose faith. It will be worth the wait. Keep praying. What no one discusses is the fact that the pray and wait mentality can lead to passivity. It can lead to a bunch of nothing. It can lead to frustrated men and women who are sick and tired of waiting and praying.
I do not believe the intention behind the advice to wait and pray is for the person to just sit back and expect God to do all the work. Nonetheless, it has that effect. People place all the responsibility on God and none on themselves. They get mad at God for not moving on their behalf and jump ahead of Him or abandon His promises altogether.
Talking About Me
Let me be clear when I say people I’m talking about me. I’m people. I thought that praying and waiting literally meant just that. I would pray about a thing, then wait for God to do something. So, I waited and waited. Nothing happened. I prayed again, thinking my prayer wasn’t good enough. Then nothing happened. This process was so frustrating. I decided my faith wasn’t strong enough.
I prayed again, this time in faith. Quoting scriptures, and writing declarations, I was so sure God would deliver this time. I was confident. But, nothing happened. Life went on as normal. The problem was that while I was praying and waiting, I wasn’t doing anything. All I did was serve in my church and community.
Serving
Don’t get me wrong, you’re supposed to get involved in your local church and serve others while you wait. But isn’t that what I should be doing anyway? Regardless of if I’m waiting on God or not, shouldn’t I still be serving Him and His people?
So, what now? I believe the “pray and wait” advice creates a mentality that the person praying and waiting only has to do these 2 things and whatever they want God will deliver. It makes God into this magical genie that gives you exactly what.
Prayer With Works Is Alive
I’m not discounting prayer or waiting. I believe that God will do what He said He will do. I also believe that I have to do my part. Prayer with works is alive. It’s time to stop placing all of the responsibility, and consequently the blame, on God. He gave us wisdom. He gave us discernment. Why aren’t we using it?
Waiting is not just about serving. It’s also about expecting the Lord to move. Waiting is about putting yourself in the position so that when God does move, you’ll be prepared to act. The question is, while you’re waiting in expectation, have you placed yourself in the position for your strength to be renewed? Are you ready to mount up like eagles? Are you ready to run and not get weary? Run and not faint?
Just Do It
None of those things are passive. These things require movement on your part. Your job in the wait is to know that God will move on your behalf once you move, once you make your faith alive. He will renew your strength as you expect Him to do what He said. Don’t take this as an opportunity to do nothing. God will guide you. Continue to trust Him.
I’m not against prayer or waiting. In fact, I believe that prayer is one of the most important things we can do. Prayer must spur us into action though. It’s in prayer that God gives us the action plan. It’s in prayer that He shows us what we can do. It’s up to us to actually do it. So, create a plan around that idea God gave you.
Let’s pray and then act. You want to get married, date. You want to own a business, incorporate with the state. You want another job, start applying. Continue to pray and then be led by the Holy Spirit to move. Allow God to guide your decisions through prayer. His promises are still yes and amen!
I went back to online dating simply because I wanted to date and it’s the easiest way to meet new people. The real question is why did I stop in the first place?
Broken
To answer that question let’s go all the way back to 2012. I was fresh out of a five-year relationship. I was broken-hearted and crushed. I was too through with men and knew I needed time to heal. So, I intentionally took a three-year break from dating. During those three years, I got to know myself and found God for real. He restored me. Then in 2015, I figured I was ready to get back out into the dating world. So, I joined Plenty of Fish (POF).
Exhausted
During the year of 2015, I dated a lot. I went out with everybody who asked. I had no idea how to date. I was talking to about 7 men at once. I was constantly texting, going out on dates, and talking on the phone with men. It was popping, but I wasn’t having fun. I couldn’t build anything of substance because there were just too many men. I got tired of surface-level conversations. But what else could there be? I literally had no time to interact with any of them on a deeper level.
I quit dating out of pure frustration and exhaustion. I needed a break to rest. I was so tired. During my rest period, I figured that this wasn’t the right way to date. So, I tightened my dating criteria and decided to get back out there.
Restricted
2016 was the year of three bad dates. I refused to go out with just anyone. I was trying to be smart about dating. I wanted marriage and my past method wouldn’t work. So, I wrote a list of 70+ things that I required for a man to have to date me. Problem is that man doesn’t exist. I put so much pressure on myself to find the perfect man, I developed anxiety. The last date I went on that year was horrible. It was so bad I quit dating for almost 2 years. I gave up hope.
Lonely
In 2017 I went on no dates. I was lonely, frustrated, and confused. I thought dating would help bring me out of a slump. Crazy right? So, I joined POF again. Of course, I only met some rusty, crusty, dusty dudes. I thought maybe my filters weren’t good enough. I reset them and now it was only old men. I didn’t go out with anyone this time. I was done for real this time. I even wrote a long post about how I was done with online dating. But God had other plans.
In 2018 my word for the year was whole, as in becoming a whole person. I took the time to make sure I was really whole and healed. I still had no plans to date though. I was finally happy and whole. Then, in late 2018, God told me He wanted me to write about dating. How could I do that if I was sitting at home alone all the time?
No More Breaks
In late 2018, I joined multiple datings sites, started dating, and haven’t looked back. There won’t be any more breaks from dating. I don’t put so much pressure on myself to meet my husband anymore. It will happen in God’s timing and I’m okay with that. I decided this time would be fun and it has been. Dating multiple men at once is still how I choose to date. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I love it. I’ve learned my limit is two men at once. Being open and honest up front is the key. I’m going to keep dating and having fun until I meet my husband.
The Difference
Here’s the difference between all my other dating experiences and now; I am in control this time. All of those other times, I let the men dictate and control. I stopped doing what I wanted to accommodate them. Looking back, I thought this was the way to keep a man. Now, I feel this dating path is God-ordained. I know this dating period will result in marriage.
Anxiety and nerves used to take over on dates. Having fun and flirting was so far from my mind. I was so focused on finding my husband, I treated men as objects. Now, I date on my terms. My anxiety has dissipated. Dating can be fun and holy. While I dated multiple men, there’s been no kissing, no hugging, and barely any hand-holding. Full transparency though, I’m only dating one man now and we hug, hold hands, and have the occasional kiss. It’s still on my terms and we still keep it holy.
What Now?
I’m not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to trust God and enjoy the process. Online dating isn’t for everybody. God had to change my mindset before it worked for me. I had to let go of a lot of old ideas and be sure of what I wanted before I could date. I pray God gives you that same freedom whether you date online or meet men in real life. I pray you don’t give up as easily as I did either. The journey can be just as rewarding as the destination. As always, thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. Be sure to be let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do!
-Kim
P.S. I only started dating one guy two weeks ago. He’s the same guy that wants to be exclusive. He keeps asking to meet my support system and I kept stalling. I finally invited him to church because that’s the easiest way to meet everyone. I’ll keep you all posted.
Dating as a plus-size girl hasn’t always been easy. Confidence hasn’t always been my strong suit. I battled with low self-esteem and feeling unworthy for a very long time. I went to therapy, I recited positive affirmations about myself, and I prayed for God to make me more confident in the woman He created me to be.
I posted scriptures about who I am on my mirrors and computers. I worked really hard to be more confident. Then I finally reached a place where I felt confident in myself. Then I started dating again. Dating tested my confidence.
Facing Insecurities
I came face to face with many of my insecurities and had to deal with them one by one. Thankfully, I have the tools to combat those insecure feelings. All except one, my weight. Now let’s be honest here. I’m overweight, plus-sized, fluffy. Whatever euphemism you want to call it. Usually, when I say this, people shower me with compliments or tell me that I’m beautiful. Let’s get this straight, I never said I was ugly, just plus-size.
While there is nothing inherently wrong with being plus-size, it was the biggest insecurity I had to overcome when re-entering the dating world. Although we don’t like to admit it, being big is often associated with unattractiveness and poor habits in general. Now I know those stereotypes don’t describe me, but I knew that I may have to face them nonetheless.
Barrier to Dating
I was so concerned that my weight would be a barrier to dating. So I decided to just put it all out there. I stopped wearing girdles, I put on more colorful clothes. I decided to just be me. Low key I was still a little worried about my weight though. But here’s the thing, it hasn’t been a factor at all.
In fact, I’m attracting quality men. Quality men who are fine. Let me say that again. This plus-size girl is pulling men who look good, have good jobs, and are good men. Now, I’m not pulling all the fine men, nobody is, but I’m pulling in my fair share. The funny thing is, I date men who exercise all the time. They are really into working out and feel some type of way when they don’t. They are into eating healthy and all of that stuff and I’m just not. Well, not yet anyway.
Changed Mindset
Listen, this blew my mind. I honestly think this kept me from successfully dating before. I had the mindset that my weight would keep me from getting what I really wanted. Come to find out, it wasn’t my weight, it was my mindset that kept me from it all along.
I always thought that if I lost weight I might attract better-looking men or better quality men, but that’s not true. I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight yet I’m attracting men to whom I’m also attracted.
This Tells Me Some Things About Myself
My weight has no bearing on the quality of men I am able to attract.
I was trying to lose weight for a potential mate and not for myself.
If I was willing to make drastic changes for someone I hadn’t met yet, what would I do once I met him?
My mindset matters.
I had to get myself all the way together. If I’m going to lose weight, it has to be for me. Though I love myself the way I am, I must change my lifestyle to have a long life and prosperity that God promised me. I want to be healthy in my mind, body, and spirit. So I have to lose weight. It’s just that food is so delicious. Plus, the fact that I can still attract some fine men while being plus-size doesn’t motivate me to exercise. I’m going to lose weight though. I want to be able to run after my kids one day without being winded so easily.
Finally Free
So, I’m going to keep this mindset. Even if the old negative thoughts come, they don’t have to stay. All in all, this time around dating has been incredibly fun. Probably because I’ve allowed myself to just be. I’ve learned who I am in Christ and how to be free in Him (for the most part). I pray that for all of you as well. I pray that you realize that whom the Son sets free is free indeed. No matter where you are in life, whether you’re dating or not, take this time to change your mindset. Take this time to know who you are in God. Be positive, continue to believe in Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do.
It’s time I started letting go of some of my past hurts and anger. Choices I made make me so mad at myself sometimes. I am angry about the risks I took on love that didn’t work out. I’m mad that I told myself over and over again that I wouldn’t be that dumb girl that got played. Yet I ended up getting played.
Anger
I was so upset that I allowed myself to be put in that situation. I knew better. How did it end up like that? I should have been more careful. I should have been more sober-minded; more vigilant. I should have guarded my heart better. All the signs were there. All the red flags I chose to ignore were staring me in the face.
I got played by this person who wasn’t even supposed to be in my life. My instincts and the Holy Spirit told me not to do it. But, I did it anyway. I allowed this person into my heart who shouldn’t have been in my life. As a result, I got my heart broken. It’s not all his fault. But I sure did blame him.
Now What?
Now, I’m dealing with the aftermath. I took a risk on love and loss. How can I move forward? I don’t want to be single forever. Honestly, I don’t want to deal with a broken heart ever again.
So I’ve put up a great wall around my heart and emotions. No one can get access until I’m sure I won’t lose again. Until I’m guaranteed that I won’t be hurt. The only problem is, it’s keeping me single. I definitely don’t want to be single forever.
What is a girl to do? I’m so guarded I can’t tell the difference between dusty, crusty men and good men with flaws. I fear being hurt, I fear rejection, I fear abandonment. So, I’m going to give all of these things to God. Pray constantly. This is a process. God is restoring me.
Letting Go
He doesn’t want to keep any good thing from me. I’m keeping good things from myself by not letting go. As I continue to date, all of these areas that need improvement keep coming up. I thought I had resolved so many of these issues, yet here they are raising their ugly heads again.
Okay, God. I’m done for real this time. I’m giving it all to You. I literally cannot do this anymore. I want what You have for me. I’m going to grab hold of every one of Your promises. I know You are pruning me and preparing me.
It’s all good. Through dating, God has given me the chance to grow in areas I hadn’t recognized needed improvement. I’m being tested in so many areas. I’ve learned so much about myself in this process. God’s love for me amazes me. Now that I know better, I’m going to do better.
My Prayer
I pray that you grab hold of whatever God has promised you as well. Sis, you’re his daughter. You have full access to His kingdom. Let go of whatever is separating you from Him and the good things He has for you. He loves you too much to keep it away from you. Be prepared though. The process may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Here’s to us growing and loving the way God wants us to! Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. It’s a wild ride sometimes.
-Kim
P.S. Homie still hasn’t met my support circle. He made me mad last week and I had to dig into why I was so angry over something so little. My digging brought up all these feelings and is the reason behind this post. So, I’ll introduce him to my people on a week that hasn’t been so emotional.
I’ve been dating this guy for about three months and naturally, becoming exclusive came up. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before. I just need to take some time and figure out exactly what becoming exclusive means.
Dating
Before becoming exclusive, there is of course dating. I had to redefine what dating means, to know what exclusivity means. Dating isn’t being in a relationship. Dating is the time to have fun and get to know more about me and the other person.
Dating is the time for us women to realize who we are. We are the gift, we are the favor of God, and we are a good thing. Dating helped me realize just how much of a prize I am.
I learn my likes and dislikes while dating. I learn what I want and what I don’t want. Then, I can weed men out accordingly. Dating is not the time to show off how good of a wife I can be. This is time to get to know someone. It should be light and fun but done with the understanding that this could progress into something serious.
Dating is also the time to set your expectations. Set them early and often. Expectations can be as simple as not calling or texting after a certain time. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t meet your needs or expectations now, then he certainly won’t when you’re exclusive.
Exclusivity is Earned
There is no reason exclusivity should be given away like it’s nothing. Exclusivity is a big deal. At this point, you know who you are and what you want. The man has shown that he is a good man that you could see yourself with longterm. His pursuit of you is righteous and glorifies God. Although he may not have everything you want, he certainly displays characteristics that would make him a good husband. So how does he earn your exclusivity?
He earns your exclusivity through his pursuit. He earns it by recognizing that you will bring favor to his life. It is also earned by going through your support system. So introduce him to your circle. Introduce him to those people who pray for you, love you, and hold you accountable.
If you are considering being exclusive with someone, then you really like this person. You may be blinded to some things about him because of how much you like him. Your support system can point these things out and be honest with you. They can also ask questions you may not have thought of because of their different life experiences.
Feelings
I don’t want to discount your feelings in this process. Feelings about a person and chemistry with a person are very real things and should be taken into account. However, I don’t believe you should make any decisions solely based on feelings. Which is why your support circle is so important. Make sure you’re being sober-minded and basing your decision on facts and behavior, not just feelings.
Becoming Exclusive
Now, the man has earned your exclusivity and you feel comfortable giving it to him. What does that really mean? It means you are now in a relationship with him that could be progressing, if all goes well, toward marriage.
Exclusivity means that you are no longer dating or talkingwith anyone else. This is the stage where you set your intentions and work toward those goals together. Marriage could very well be the next logical step after exclusivity, which is why it’s such a big deal.
This is also the stage where you get to know each other on a deeper level. You’ll have more talks about your future, what you want out of life, and if your purposes align. Of course, these are topics you can discuss at any time, but try not to go too deep too soon.
Time Frame
There is no set time for any of these stages. Go as slow, or as fast, as you need. In fact, it may take a while to adjust to dating in this way. Normally when we like a guy we become exclusive almost immediately, realize he’s wack, and then break up. I’m tired of that. I just can’t do that anymore. That’s why exclusivity matters. However long it takes to get there, is how long it takes. It is important to be cognizant of time though.
If you’re still in the dating phase with a person after a significant period, it may be time to reevaluate the situation. Either he’s not into you, or you’re not into him. It’s ok not to know right away, but at some point, you will have to make the decision to move forward together or separately.
Remember This
My prayer for you (and for me) is that you meet the man God has for you. So until that day comes, keep living for God. Remain faithful and prayerful. Realize that you, my dear sister, are a gift. Know that you can still date God’s way and have fun. Don’t feel any pressure to do something or know something right way. Continue to receive input from your circle. Sharpen your skills of discernment. They will be tested while you are dating.
God always gives us what we need exactly when we need it. No matter wha, be sure to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything. Thanks for following me on my journey of being Single In Christ.
-Kim
P.S. I don’t think the guy has earned the right to be exclusive with me yet. He has agreed to meet my support system though. So I’m still dating and having fun. I’ll keep you posted on what happens next. 😉
