Category:

Courting

Plus Size Dating

Dating as a Plus-Size Girl.

Posted on March 23, 2019

Dating as a plus-size girl hasn’t always been easy. Confidence hasn’t always been my strong suit. I battled with low self-esteem and feeling unworthy for a very long time. I went to therapy, I recited positive affirmations about myself, and I prayed for God to make me more confident in the woman He created me to be.

I posted scriptures about who I am on my mirrors and computers. I worked really hard to be more confident. Then I finally reached a place where I felt confident in myself. Then I started dating again. Dating tested my confidence.

Facing Insecurities

I came face to face with many of my insecurities and had to deal with them one by one. Thankfully, I have the tools to combat those insecure feelings. All except one, my weight. Now let’s be honest here. I’m overweight, plus-sized, fluffy. Whatever euphemism you want to call it.  Usually, when I say this, people shower me with compliments or tell me that I’m beautiful. Let’s get this straight, I never said I was ugly, just plus-size.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with being plus-size, it was the biggest insecurity I had to overcome when re-entering the dating world. Although we don’t like to admit it, being big is often associated with unattractiveness and poor habits in general. Now I know those stereotypes don’t describe me, but I knew that I may have to face them nonetheless.

Barrier to Dating

I was so concerned that my weight would be a barrier to dating. So I decided to just put it all out there. I stopped wearing girdles, I put on more colorful clothes. I decided to just be me. Low key I was still a little worried about my weight though. But here’s the thing, it hasn’t been a factor at all.

In fact, I’m attracting quality men. Quality men who are fine. Let me say that again. This plus-size girl is pulling men who look good, have good jobs, and are good men. Now, I’m not pulling all the fine men, nobody is, but I’m pulling in my fair share. The funny thing is, I date men who exercise all the time. They are really into working out and feel some type of way when they don’t. They are into eating healthy and all of that stuff and I’m just not. Well, not yet anyway.

Changed Mindset

Listen, this blew my mind. I honestly think this kept me from successfully dating before. I had the mindset that my weight would keep me from getting what I really wanted. Come to find out, it wasn’t my weight, it was my mindset that kept me from it all along.

I always thought that if I lost weight I might attract better-looking men or better quality men, but that’s not true. I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight yet I’m attracting men to whom I’m also attracted.

This Tells Me Some Things About Myself

  1. My weight has no bearing on the quality of men I am able to attract.
  2. I was trying to lose weight for a potential mate and not for myself.
  3. If I was willing to make drastic changes for someone I hadn’t met yet, what would I do once I met him?
  4. My mindset matters.

I had to get myself all the way together. If I’m going to lose weight, it has to be for me. Though I love myself the way I am, I must change my lifestyle to have a long life and prosperity that God promised me. I want to be healthy in my mind, body, and spirit. So I have to lose weight.  It’s just that food is so delicious. Plus, the fact that I can still attract some fine men while being plus-size doesn’t motivate me to exercise. I’m going to lose weight though. I want to be able to run after my kids one day without being winded so easily.

Finally Free

So, I’m going to keep this mindset. Even if the old negative thoughts come, they don’t have to stay. All in all, this time around dating has been incredibly fun. Probably because I’ve allowed myself to just be. I’ve learned who I am in Christ and how to be free in Him (for the most part). I pray that for all of you as well. I pray that you realize that whom the Son sets free is free indeed. No matter where you are in life, whether you’re dating or not, take this time to change your mindset. Take this time to know who you are in God. Be positive, continue to believe in Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do.

Thanks for joining me on my journey!

-Kim

Recommended Resource:

Becoming With Brittany

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Dating While Keeping God First

My Story

Becoming Exclusive

Posted on March 9, 2019


I’ve been dating this guy for about three months and naturally, becoming exclusive came up. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before. I just need to take some time and figure out exactly what becoming exclusive means.

Dating

Before becoming exclusive, there is of course dating. I had to redefine what dating means, to know what exclusivity means. Dating isn’t being in a relationship. Dating is the time to have fun and get to know more about me and the other person.

Dating is the time for us women to realize who we are. We are the gift, we are the favor of God, and we are a good thing. Dating helped me realize just how much of a prize I am.

I learn my likes and dislikes while dating. I learn what I want and what I don’t want. Then, I can weed men out accordingly. Dating is not the time to show off how good of a wife I can be. This is time to get to know someone. It should be light and fun but done with the understanding that this could progress into something serious.

Dating is also the time to set your expectations. Set them early and often. Expectations can be as simple as not calling or texting after a certain time. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t meet your needs or expectations now, then he certainly won’t when you’re exclusive.

Exclusivity is Earned

There is no reason exclusivity should be given away like it’s nothing. Exclusivity is a big deal. At this point, you know who you are and what you want. The man has shown that he is a good man that you could see yourself with longterm. His pursuit of you is righteous and glorifies God. Although he may not have everything you want, he certainly displays characteristics that would make him a good husband. So how does he earn your exclusivity?

He earns your exclusivity through his pursuit. He earns it by recognizing that you will bring favor to his life. It is also earned by going through your support system. So introduce him to your circle. Introduce him to those people who pray for you, love you, and hold you accountable.

If you are considering being exclusive with someone, then you really like this person. You may be blinded to some things about him because of how much you like him. Your support system can point these things out and be honest with you. They can also ask questions you may not have thought of because of their different life experiences.

Feelings

I don’t want to discount your feelings in this process. Feelings about a person and chemistry with a person are very real things and should be taken into account. However, I don’t believe you should make any decisions solely based on feelings. Which is why your support circle is so important. Make sure you’re being sober-minded and basing your decision on facts and behavior, not just feelings.

Becoming Exclusive

Now, the man has earned your exclusivity and you feel comfortable giving it to him. What does that really mean? It means you are now in a relationship with him that could be progressing, if all goes well, toward marriage.

Exclusivity means that you are no longer dating or talkingwith anyone else. This is the stage where you set your intentions and work toward those goals together. Marriage could very well be the next logical step after exclusivity, which is why it’s such a big deal.

This is also the stage where you get to know each other on a deeper level. You’ll have more talks about your future, what you want out of life, and if your purposes align.  Of course, these are topics you can discuss at any time, but try not to go too deep too soon.

Time Frame

There is no set time for any of these stages. Go as slow, or as fast, as you need. In fact, it may take a while to adjust to dating in this way. Normally when we like a guy we become exclusive almost immediately, realize he’s wack, and then break up. I’m tired of that. I just can’t do that anymore. That’s why exclusivity matters. However long it takes to get there, is how long it takes. It is important to be cognizant of time though.

If you’re still in the dating phase with a person after a significant period, it may be time to reevaluate the situation. Either he’s not into you, or you’re not into him. It’s ok not to know right away, but at some point, you will have to make the decision to move forward together or separately.

Remember This

My prayer for you (and for me) is that you meet the man God has for you. So until that day comes, keep living for God. Remain faithful and prayerful. Realize that you, my dear sister, are a gift. Know that you can still date God’s way and have fun. Don’t feel any pressure to do something or know something right way. Continue to receive input from your circle. Sharpen your skills of discernment. They will be tested while you are dating.

God always gives us what we need exactly when we need it. No matter wha, be sure to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything.  Thanks for following me on my journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

P.S. I don’t think the guy has earned the right to be exclusive with me yet. He has agreed to meet my support system though. So I’m still dating and having fun. I’ll keep you posted on what happens next. 😉

Becoming Exclusive
Recommended Resource:

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Keeping God First While Dating

Becoming Whole

Keeping God First While Dating

Posted on February 15, 2019

Dating can be a pretty treacherous thing. Especially in today’s world.  There are so many men who seem so good, but end up being crazy, sex-crazed, or just plain weird. So what is a single Christian woman supposed to do? We must make sure to put God first. Seems simple right? But how can we make sure to put God first while dating?

Matthew 6:33 says, “But above all pursue His kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.” I want all those things given to me, so here are some tips to help you put God first while dating.

  1. Pray

There is no way you can do this on your own. Prayer strengthens, calms, and provides clarity. Pray for wisdom, discernment, and for more faith to trust God fully. Most importantly, pray for His will to be done and to be led by the Holy Spirit. In order to keep God first, you must talk to Him consistently. You should also spend time with Him and His word meditating and studying. Which, coincidentally, is the next tip. 

  1. Meditate and Study

There aren’t really any scriptures for dating in this technology-driven age. However, there are plenty of scriptures on trusting God, depending on God, and following the leading of the Holy Spirit. One that immediately comes to mind is Proverbs 3:5-7 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.”

Study and meditate on these scriptures so that you will keep God first and won’t be led astray or distracted by someone who doesn’t belong in your future. Get them down in your heart and spirit so that you will be able to discern what’s from God. These types of scriptures will help you decide who to date in the first place.

  1. Pray with and for your date

Hopefully, you’re dating a Christian man who prays.  If he’s not a Christian, then why are you dating him sis? No, seriously, why are you dating him? You should only be dating men that are marriage potential, but that’s another post. As you can see, prayer is a key component in keeping God first while dating. Pray for him before and after your date. Pray that God reveals anything about him that may be a red flag. Pray that he is led by the Holy Spirit too.

Now, praying with him may be a bit awkward, especially if the relationship is new. But, if he prays on a regular basis, asking him to pray with you shouldn’t run him off. If it does, then do you really want that man anyway? If you want to ease into praying with him, ask him what he’s been praying about lately. That way, you can broach the topic without seeming too religious or spooky deep.

Now, I’m not telling you anything that I haven’t personally done. These are tips that I have learned to do the hard way. It’s so important that you keep God first in everything because He will be the foundation of a good marriage.

As I continue to date, I’m learning so much about myself and about how important it is for me to lean on God. I pray that you learn from my dating misadventures so you won’t have to repeat the same mistakes. Thanks for following me on this journey as a single Christian woman. Remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in all you do!

-Kim

 

Recommended Resource:

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Called To Be Single

Temptation: A Bible Study

A Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 8, 2019
valentine heart

So you’re single and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  What are you going to do? How are you going to survive another Valentine’s Day being single? Are you going to pretend the day doesn’t exist? Will you stuff your face with food and hide out? You don’t have to do any of that. Here is a single girl’s guide to Valentine’s Day.

1. Date Yourself.

If you are confident and a little adventurous, put on that fancy dress and those heels and take yourself to that restaurant you’ve been dying to try.  Go see that movie that no one else will see with you. Get your nails and hair done. Look and feel as fabulous as you possibly can, then treat yourself to whatever makes you feel fancy.  Who says you have to wait on a man to take you on a date? You are already complete in Christ. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Girl, take yourself out. You deserve it.

2. Log Off of Social Media.

If  you are prone to feeling down or sad because you’re single around Valentine’s Day make sure you log off of social media.  Seeing those couples being lovey-dovey is one sure way to get you all in your feelings. So, just log off. You can log back on when all the Valentine’s Day posts and pictures die down. While you are off, spend some time doing something fulfilling. Read a book you’ve been wanting to read. Go exercise or talk to friends. Pray, meditate, and see what God wants you to do and what He wants to say to you. Take this time you usually spend on social media and just live your life. There is no reason you have to feel sad or lonely on Valentine’s Day.

3. Stop Comparing Yourself.

This goes hand in hand with number two. Looking at all those couples on Instagram or Facebook may have you thinking that you don’t measure up. Nothing is wrong with being single. Nor is it wrong to want companionship, but if you are looking at social media or people around you and pressuring yourself to get into a relationship then stop it. What usually happens when you compare yourself is that you either end up on the short end of the stick or you end up valuing yourself too highly. Neither of those are good for your soul or self-esteem. You must remember that you are enough within yourself.  You are doing this thing according to God‘s timing and it will work in your favor in the end. Your story will be beautiful too, even if it is taking a little longer than anticipated.

4. Go Out With Your Girls.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to get together with your girls and have a fun night out. This option is especially good for those who aren’t yet brave enough to go out alone. Take this time to catch up with some girlfriends you haven’t seen in a while.  Have dinner and see a movie. Go to a comedy club and just have plain good fun. You may just end up having more fun with your girls than you would with a valentine.

5. Do Not Go Out With Some Random Dude Just to Have a Valentine.

This is more of a don’t than a do, but it needs to be said all the same.  Dating a random is a bad idea because you probably don’t like him in the first place. Since you don’t like him, you probably won’t have a good time. As Christian singles we should really stick to dating quality men who we could possibly see a future with. Now I’m not saying you should evaluate men for marriage on the first date or even before the first date, but don’t go out with a random just to have a date on Valentine’s Day.  If a good man that meets your standards happens to ask you out, but all means go, but don’t let loneliness and desperation pressure you into dating a dusty, crusty, and lusty man.

6. Reflect on the Love You Already Have.

On Valentine’s Day we always default to the idea of romantic love or a lack thereof. In reality we are surrounded by an abundance of love. Reflect on the love of family, friends, or even children. Look at how loved and supported you have been just this year. Also reflect on the love that God has for you.  He has loved you and known you before you were even in your mother’s womb. Don’t forget to reflect on how much you love yourself. Look back on how far you’ve come. You’re pretty amazing. Remember who you are and how loved you truly are despite not having a man for Valentine’s Day.

7. Make a Plan for Companionship.

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you do not have a valentine make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day. Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. You will get through this one like you have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine your self-worth or your value as a woman. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day does not diminish anything about you. You are still a strong, loving, and amazing woman. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Temptation: A Bible Study

Posted on February 1, 2019

As I re-enter the dating world and embark on this sort of new adventure, I want to have the right mindset. I want to make sure that I’m putting on the mind of Christ and keeping God first. So I decided to do a bible study. And what better place to start than with the life and works of Jesus in Matthew?

As I read and studied my way through the book of Matthew, the first 11 verses of chapter 4 captured me. These verses deal with the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. Since I was so struck by these verses, I want to share what I have learned.

Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness

Matthew 4:1 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

  1. We can be in the will of God and be led by the Holy Spirit and still end up in the wilderness facing temptation.
  2. It seems like in the will of God, this shouldn’t happen. Why would He lead me into the wilderness to be tempted? Because it’s a test.
  3. God doesn’t tempt, He tests us. The enemy is the one who tempts.
  4. God knew all along what was going to happen.
  5. What is temptation?
    1. Enticement to sin
    2. Sinful thoughts
    3. Troubles
    4. Afflictions
    5. Rebellious spirits

There’s a Way Out

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

  1. The temptation you are facing has been faced by others (common to mankind)
  2. God is faithful
    1. Trustworthy
    2. Reliable
    3. Deliverer of promises
  3. Promise: He will not let you be tried beyond what you can bear
    1. He will not give up on you or leave you alone
    2. He will not give you more than you can handle (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually)
  4. 2nd Promise: But with the trial will also provide a way out
    1. God will make, produce, cause, or prepare a way of escape, an end to the trial/temptation.
  5. So that you may be able to endure it
    1. He will place you on His shoulders and support you so that you can endure the adversity.

Let’s Go Back to Jesus’ Example on How to Find the Way Out

Matthew 4:2 -3 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

  1. He was tempted where He was weak. He was hungry and he was tempted with food.
  2. The temptation was for a need. He was legitimately hungry, but the devil wanted to Him to fill his legitimate need in an illegitimate way.
  3. Example in the dating world: you have a legitimate need for companionship because God didn’t create us to be alone. However, the temptation comes in because we try to meet that legitimate need in illegitimate ways like fornication or seriously dating people that we know doesn’t give God glory.

Matthew 4:4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ ”

  1. Jesus didn’t rely on His own strength to face the temptation, He relied on the Word of God. That’s how He remained victorious over sin.

The Tempter Keeps Coming

Matthew 4:5-7 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.“If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’ ” Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ ”

  1. The enemy tried different tactics to get Jesus to slip up. Jesus remained steadfast and only answered with the truth of God.
  2. This also shows how important it is to know the Word of God for yourself. How can we competently and effectively defeat the enemy if he knows more of God’s Word than we do? Which is why Bible study is so important.

Matthew 4:8 -11 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” 1Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’ “1Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

  1. Here, the devil showed Jesus something God had already given him; all power. Jesus already knew His purpose and what He had in God. We must know what God has already given us and put inside us in order to escape temptation.
  2. Again, the enemy is trying to get Jesus to obtain God’s promises in an illegitimate way.
  3. Jesus conquered temptation and was ready to pursue the purpose God has set before Him.

Major Takeaways

The major takeaways for me are that even in God’s good and perfect will, I’ll face temptation. But I don’t have to worry because there is no temptation that others haven’t faced, including Jesus. I can defeat every trial and temptation thrown at me by relying on God’s strength and truth and not my own strength. The temptation isn’t a one-time thing. It’s the enemy’s job to keep coming at me. However, God is faithful, he won’t let me endure more than I can bear.

What are some of your takeaways? Let me know in the comments and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in all you do!

Settling

Posted on May 19, 2018

Single people in Christ are often told to not settle for less. We are told to accept nothing less than God’s best for our lives. Be it a potential partner or a career opportunity, how do we know what God’s best is for us? How can we make certain that we aren’t settling?

Everything we need is in God’s presence. In His presence, we will find victory, provision, protection, and discernment. Once we start to spend more and more time with God we get to know Him and He will reveal things to us. He will show us how to proceed with whatever opportunity presents itself. He will show us who is sent from Him and who is sent from the enemy.

Spending time with God requires intentionality. It also requires more than just going to church. Going to church is great, but how well can we know someone we only spend two hours with per week? How can we get to know God if the only time we spend with Him is on Sunday morning? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing anyone who does this, but like all things, in life, we get out what we put in.

We must honestly assess what we’re putting into our relationship with God. Are we sincere and genuine with Him? Are we really submitting ourselves to Him like we should? As we grow closer to God there is no way we could settle for anything less than His best. He will show us what He has for us. He will also give us the power and strength to work towards His promises until they manifest.

Spending time with God adjusts our expectations. We will begin to see the world and people through Him. We will start to put on the mind and attitude of Christ. Jesus’ purpose on Earth was to glorify the Father by obeying God. That should be our mindset as well. We have to make sure that we are doing what God told us to do and the rest will come.

We have to be faithful and dedicated to fulfilling the reason we’re put on the Earth. We all have a purpose. Abiding in God and spending time with Him will lead you to your purpose. As we start seeing things from God’s perspective our expectations will shift. We may go from having a list of 100+ things for a potential spouse to 10 things because we’re now looking for things that are more spiritual than physical.

We need standards and guidelines for dating and/or courting. God gives us those standards in the bible. He will provide what we need when we need it. I truly believe that when we dwell in His presence, obey, trust, and wait on Him, we will get our every heart’s desire. We have to hold tight to Him and His promises. We must not get weary for we will reap if we faint not. (Galatians 6:9)

This journey isn’t easy. If it was, the whole world would be following Christ. We have to remember who we are. We have to remember that we are royalty and co-heirs with Christ. We will have to say no sometimes. We will have to watch others get what we desire, all because we refuse to settle for less than God’s best. It may get painful or lonely at times, but I know it’s worth it. God will comfort and keep us. I know that whatever God has promised will come to pass.

Don’t give up. Serving God has its rewards. Keep sowing seeds of goodness and kindness. Keep spending time with Him and asking what His will is for your life. Be intentional. Take it one day at a time. Keep striving to be the better person God has called us to be. When we’re in Him and know what He has for us, the only way we settle is if we give up and stop believing what He has for us will come. Keep fighting. Keep working. Know that we’re all in this together and we’re fighting right beside one another.

Encourage one another along this Christian journey. Pray for each other. If you see a fellow sister or brother struggling, reach out and build them up; say an encouraging word. Remind everyone and yourself to remain faithful and to take God at His word. It’s hard not to settle for what’s in right front of us. Remember your purpose and keep God’s standards in the forefront of your mind. Ask God for wisdom. He will give it to us. He has a plan for us. He has the plan to prosper and not harm us. He has the plan to give us a future and hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Keep going and don’t settle. It’ll be worth it.

 

Our Father,

Thank You, God, for helping us put on the mind of Christ. Help us to live for You and put You first. We know that by putting You first, everything else will be given to us. We ask You for wisdom, instruction, and understanding God. We also ask for an extra measure of patience and faith. Help us to not lose hope. You told us not to worry about tomorrow, God. Let us find the strength in You to just trust You and not worry. Thank You, God, for revealing Your truth to us. Help us to wait on You and not settle for less than Your best.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Matthew 6:31-34 (NIV)

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 

Check out the latest podcast episode: Are you settling?

 

To Approach or To Not Approach?

Posted on April 27, 2018

We all know that faith without works is dead. So when it comes to entering a relationship, how much work are we as Christian women supposed to put in? Should we approach men? There are two schools of thought on the subject. Some people say it’s the man’s role to initiate and the woman’s role to respond. Others say that there’s nothing wrong with a woman initiating conversation or even asking a man on a date.

The problem with the former is that single Christian women are often frustrated with men that never initiate. Several of my girlfriends and I find it frustrating to have a man basically stare you down but never approach. The problem with the latter school of thought is that women should not pursue men. But is it really pursuing a man by initiating contact? It can get tricky.

There are all kinds of statistics and studies on why women should approach men but we are called to live by a different standard. What does God have to say about it? Is it sinful for a Christian woman to approach a Christian man?

The New Testament doesn’t really offer much in the way of dating advice. There is, of course, Ephesians 5 which encourages husbands and wives to submit to each other and sets out God’s design for leadership. The husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). God wants the man to be the leader, but this verse speaks specifically to husbands and wives. What about single women? Are we supposed to let men lead in the dating world too?

The Old Testament does have some courting and marriage stories. The two that stuck out to me was Rebekah and Ruth. Rebekah’s story begins with Abraham wanting a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife and while the servant was traveling he asked God for a sign. He asked God that the woman to be Isaac’s wife offer him water and offer to water his camels.

This is significant because the servant had 10 camels with him and thirsty camels can drink up to 25 gallons of water. When the servant came to the well he asked Rebekah for some water. She said yes and offered to water his camels too. Rebekah didn’t initiate contact but she was kind and showed her true servant’s heart. Although the was very beautiful, it was her heart that ultimately won over the servant.

Ruth’s story begins with her being a widow and going back to Naomi’s, her mother-in-law, hometown. Because they had no male relative to take care of them, they were practically destitute. Ruth gleaned from the fields of Boaz so that she could eat. Boaz saw how hard she was working and. Told the men in the field to leave her alone. It is discovered that Boaz is their kinsman-redeemer so Naomi urged Ruth to dress up and go lay on the threshing floor with Boaz. Though this seems like Ruth is approaching Boaz for marriage, what she was really doing was asking for protection from poverty, which was Boaz’s responsibility. Her request just so happened to result in marriage.

So what now? Should Christian women initiate contact or not? I think the number one thing to do, in all circumstances, is to be led by the Holy Spirit and glorify God in everything you do. What we learn from Rebekah and Ruth is to be loyal, faithful, and kind-hearted. Those characteristics ultimately got them married. We also learn that their intentions were pure. Their interactions with the men weren’t for the purpose of starting a relationship.

There is nothing sinful with initiating contact by saying hello or smiling at a potential mate. Letting someone know through a wave or kind word that you’re open for conversation is perfectly fine. I personally would never ask a man out because I feel that blurs the line of pursuit. I don’t want to be in the position to continually have to initiate every date or contact. I think the man should show some leadership skills if we are dating with the purpose of marriage in mind.

Rebekah and Ruth didn’t do anything extraordinary to meet their husbands. They were out living their lives and doing what they probably did every day. Rachel was getting water from the well. Ruth was getting some food to eat. Their loyalty, generosity, and hard work led to their marriages. The men noticed something different about them through their everyday actions.

If you desire marriage, get serious about doing our Father’s business. Figure out the purpose He’s placed on your life and get busy. While you’re out serving or just in the regular course of your day, there’s no telling who you’ll meet. Arrange a group dinner with men and women. Be deliberate about who you invite. Strike up conversations about everything. Get some good eye contact in. Be open, be kind, and follow God. He’s sure to give you the desires of your heart.

 

Our Father,

I pray Your will be done in my life. Thank You for allowing me to serve You. I consider it a privilege and an honor. I trust You, God. I believe that Your promises are yes and amen. I believe that Your faithful promises are my armor and protection. Help me to give You all of my cares, worries, and frustrations. Help me to wait on and trust in You, Lord. I pray that my husband seeks You and is led by You. I pray that my husband exhibits leadership qualities and surrenders his will to Yours. Thank You for already arranging the day we will meet. Help us to live a life pleasing to You. Help us to live according to Your commands. Let our meeting, courtship, and marriage glorify You, God.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

 

 

Watch the latest podcast episode: Approachable

Online Dating

Posted on March 23, 2018

Is Online Dating wrong for Christians? Not necessarily. But, let me tell you my story.

Back in the summer of 2015 on the advice of some friends I joined an online dating site.
Before I joined I always said I don’t think I’m going to meet my husband online. I just never felt that way. I joined anyway.

I went on my first online date in the summer of 2015. Although I was super nervous, the date went well. He was a gentleman. He walked me to my car and pulled out my chair. After the date, we even continued to talk, but it eventually fizzled out.

After that, there were a series of guys I talked to online. Nothing really ever came from those interactions either. After talking to a guy and it not working out, I would always go back to feeling like I’m not even supposed to be online dating in the first place.

I felt like it was a distraction from what I was really supposed to be doing and a waste of time. Yet, I persisted. I wanted to give online dating a real shot because some of my friends met really good guys from online dating.

I mean really good Christian guys and some were even getting married to these men they met online.

Even though I persisted, I always had a little tugging in my spirit saying that this isn’t really for me. By this time it is late 2016. I tell myself that if I’m going to do this, I will try out a paid online dating site. So I take my profile down from the free site and pay real actual dollars to meet men online.

I met a few men, and I went on a date with 2 of them. The first one was bad.He basically said that all he wanted was sex. I said thanks for being honest but Nah.The next date I went on was the worst date of my life.

After that date, I decided to take a break. I took down every profile and sat myself down.Here are some lessons I learned from my experience of online dating:

Although online dating by itself is not sinful, it’s not for me.

1 Corinthians 10:23 says, “I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive.”

I could have been in a very different place in my life had I just listened to the Holy Spirit. There is no telling what my life would be like right now.

I’m not going to beat myself up about it though because Romans 8:1 says, “so now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.”

I’m not condemned for my mistakes. I’m forgiven and through God’s mercy and grace, I have another chance to do it right.
I learned to listen to and follow the direction of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:16 says, “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.”
Had I been following the direction of the Holy Spirit I would have saved myself some time, money, and headache.

Ultimately what I want is for God to be glorified in my waiting, dating, and marriage.
1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

I have to make sure that all of my decisions and actions give God the glory. That definitely wasn’t happening when I was online dating. My motive was to find a husband, not to glorify God.

So is online dating wrong?

Not necessarily. But for me, it is, at least for right now. As I said before, I’m deciding to be more open to whatever God has for me and if He tells me to go online then that’s what I’ll do.The most important thing is to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and make sure God is getting the glory out of everything.

Online dating may not be wrong for you. But don’t try to match anyone else’s story. God has written a unique and amazing story for each and every one of us. They all don’t have to be the same.

Some may meet their husband or wife online, some may meet them at Walmart. Just follow God. He’ll tell you what’s right or wrong.

Our Father,

God, I come to You asking that I allow the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me into all truth. I ask that the desires of my heart match Your will for me. Let me not be distracted. Let every decision I make and every action I take be for Your glory. Thank You, God, for forgiveness. Help me to not relive old mistakes, but keep pressing forward in You.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

 

Check out my latest podcast episode: Is Online Dating Wrong?

 

 

 

Bad Dating

Posted on November 17, 2017

So, I haven’t been on a date in about a year. Why not you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t think I was doing it right. So, I decided to take a break and do some introspection. I wanted to evaluate what I really want and need. My last date is what made me re-evaluate my life. Here’s what happened.

I met this guy on Match.com. He wasn’t the typical guy I usually dated, meaning I wasn’t attracted to him. But God had been working with me on the type of men I liked so I decided to move forward. anyway. He’s a pastor, well-spoken, and loves God so I figured it couldn’t be that bad. I was wrong. As we talk and get to know each other, we discover a mutual interest in Harry Potter. (Yes, I’m a Harry Potter fan.) At the time, a movie called Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was coming out, a sort of Harry Potter prequel. I was very excited and wanted to see it. Naturally, he asked me if I wanted to see it with him and I said yes. Now up to this point, the conversation hadn’t been too great, but I thought when we met in person it might not be so bad. Y’all, it was that bad.

On the day of our first date, I get to the movie theater and he’s late. I’m very forgiving of people being late because I’m always late. I have to stand in the lobby area because there aren’t any seats and he bought the tickets. So, I’m standing there just people-watching, hyping myself up, like this is going to be good. He finally arrives and I realize I have only seen pictures of him from the shoulders up. Oh, the perils of online dating. I sigh inwardly. At this point, I was just hoping his personality would win me over. It didn’t.

We make our way to our seats and he talks throughout the previews about the bible. I mean, I love Jesus too, but I don’t want to talk about whether I interpret Paul’s writings conservatively or liberally on the first date. The movie starts and he begins breathing heavily, like deep sleep heavy.  I look over and his eyes are still open, so he’s not sleeping.  I ask him if he’s alright.  He says yes, but excuses himself to the restroom. As soon as he rounds the corner, I contemplate just leaving. I don’t need heavy breathers in my life. I stay because I really want to watch this movie and the night could still turn around for the better. It didn’t.

When he comes back, he’s still breathing hard and now he’s sweating. I’m thinking to myself, what in the world did he do in the bathroom? I make no comment and continue to watch the movie. He kept sweating and breathing heavily for the rest of the movie. I was low-key annoyed because I was trying to listen to the movie, but kept hearing him breathe. After the movie, he walked me to my car and we had an awkward goodbye. He asked if he could see me again and I gave a noncommittal grunt, patted him on the shoulder, got in my car, and drove away. In retrospect, maybe the date wasn’t that bad, but after having a string of bad dates, I think it was the proverbial straw the broke the camel’s back.

That night I sat down with God and prayed. I realized that I’m not a casual dating type of girl. I need someone that I’m attracted to. He doesn’t have to be my type, but I going to need to be able to look at him for the rest of my life. I need someone who will pray along with me and for me; someone who will have interests outside of the bible. What I need, is my husband. Prayerfully my next relationship will be my last. That’s why I haven’t dated in almost a year. I don’t have the time or energy for anything else other than the real thing. Until I meet or become reacquainted with my husband, I’ll just make sure my heart is positioned to be his wife, living my best life, and giving God the glory.

 

Heavenly Father,

Thank You, for all of the experiences that have led me to You. Help me to have an open heart and mind regarding the things You have for me. Help me to receive every blessing You have for me. Help me to stay in Your will Father. Thank You, Lord, for Your divine timing. I surrender all to You, Lord. Let Your will be done and Your peace reign. Help me to not move ahead of You, Lord. I desire what You have for me at the time You want me to have it. If I have rejected anything You have sent, Lord, please bring it back around. Open my eyes so that I may see it as a blessing from You. Help me to put You first in all things.  I pray my husband does the same.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen. 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NLT)

A Time for Everything

3 For everything, there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

 

Celibacy

Posted on October 20, 2017

Growing up, celibacy was not the standard. I didn’t see anyone practicing abstinence in my world. Sex was just one of those things church people said we shouldn’t do, but everyone did it anyway. I was never taught the importance of remaining pure. I was led to believe that sex was the way to get and keep a man. So, that’s the model I lived by. I just did what I wanted with no thought of the consequences.

I hadn’t realized I was using sex as a substitute for God. The intimacy, closeness, love, and relationship I thought I was getting from sex was all a facade. I was still empty after every encounter. The closeness I felt during sex never lasted, which made me crave that intimacy even more. As a result, I became intimate with more people. I thought that was the way to fill the voids. One fateful night I met this really cute guy at the club and went home with him. Usually, I was able to move on and never think about it again, but for some reason, I felt ashamed. I couldn’t understand why I was so unfulfilled. I remember I slipping out of his bed, into the bathroom, and collapsing on the floor in sobs. God clearly spoke to me and asked me what was I doing. He said sex is never going to fill the voids. Only I can do that. At that moment, I decided to be celibate until marriage. So how do I navigate being single and celibate?

We all have sexual desires.The way to combat this is to focus on God. Pursue holiness. I intentionally honor God with my body. I used to think that celibacy would be a boring way to live but it’s not. The freedom I get from not be a slave to sexual sin is so gratifying. The men and heartache I get to avoid because I’m celibate is relieving. I don’t suppress my sexual desire. I want it to be there. I’m going to need it when I get married. Instead of focusing on my fleshly desires, I choose to focus on being obedient to God. When I focus on God and put Him first, all the other things fall into place. I don’t want sex to keep me from anything God has for me. My body is the living temple of the Holy Spirit. I can’t just have any old thing enter my temple.

Celibacy has been a journey. Through this process, God has revealed a lot about why sex should be reserved for marriage. Sex isn’t just sex. As much as I wanted to believe that I could just move on, my emotions were attached to each partner. I was creating soul ties. Each person I slept with left an indelible mark on my spirit. It’s been a lot of work to be delivered from those ties and to rein in my emotions.  When people are married they are joined as one and sex solidifies that union. They become one in flesh and in spirit. Sex outside of marriage meant my spirit was all over the place, with no unifying direction. I couldn’t be whole physically and spiritually until I got all of the pieces of me back into order in God.

I choose to be celibate to honor God and my future husband. I want my future husband to know that I thought enough of him to wait. I’m celibate because I need to know if the person I’m with really loves me. When sex is in the equation love is often confused with lust. Lust is temporal and fleeting. Love is everlasting, it’s eternal. I need the eternal. An added bonus of being celibate is that I don’t have to worry about diseases or pregnancy. Sex skews things. Sex complicates things.  Living for God simplifies things.

Celibacy isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. We are called to be holy as God is holy. He will give us the strength, power, and grace to get through any situation. He redeems us. There is no need to be ashamed of your past. When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and repent, God removes every sin from you as far as the east is from the west. He makes you new again. There is no need to go back to the old way of life. God has already provided you with everything you need to sustain you in your walk with Christ.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You, God, for your grace and mercy. Fill every void. Steep me deep in Your love. Thank You for giving me the power and the strength I need to live for You. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I look to You, Father for guidance and wisdom in this time. Let me not fall into temptation. Thank You, God, for providing a way of escape for every temptation that comes. I marvel at Your power and might. Help me to be holy as You are holy. Help me to put You first in all things, so the rest can be added unto me.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Ephesians 3:16-19 (NLT)

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.