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Single Women

The Battle

Posted on November 26, 2019
falling short

I’m battling God and I’m tired. I’m running away from the calling God placed on my life. I’m battling to keep what I need to let go. I fought for so long to have my way and now I’m exhausted. The battle cost me peace, happiness, the ability to love without condition, and patience. Why am I fighting with God? Because I am afraid.

Terrified

I’m terrified I’m not worth more than what I have right now. What if this is all there is and God doesn’t do what He promised? What if He takes longer than I’m willing to wait. Am I willing to forsake the future God showed me, for now? If I continue to keep what He told me to let go, will I ever get to what God has for me?

Even if I embrace God’s path for me, will I get to it? Am I even worthy enough to do His work? It gets hard and lonely as the super saved girl. What if I just don’t have what it takes? I declare every day that I am confident in God and His word. But, how do I trust when it seems like I’m waiting in vain? This I know for sure, every time I fully surrendered and trusted Him fully, He blew my mind.

Surrender

So, how do I get back to that place? That place where I let go and let God. How do I get to the fully surrendered, prostrate before the Lord, just me and Him place? I used to be there. I heard His voice clearly and followed it. My selfish desires get the best of me. I got distracted, confused, and lost. I fell all the way down. How did I get here?

I know the scriptures, I know the pitfalls to avoid. Or, at least I thought I did. Now I’m unstable. I’m fighting and screaming just to get back, but He seems so far away. That’s when I fell to my knees and gave up the fight. God, I cannot live this way. You called me to be holy and set apart. The righteous fall seven times and get back up. I need to get up. I have sinned and fallen short of the glorious standard of Christ but there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.

Victory at Last

I’m in Christ. He has taken on every sin. He paid the penalty for each fall. Lord, help me get to a place where I abhor sin. Where I crucify my flesh with its lust and desires for this world, and pick up my cross and follow You. Help me to be grateful for today and not worry about tomorrow or what’s to come. Let me do what I can do today.

I have to make sure I’m hearing God’s voice above it all. God’s voice is in His word. I surrender God, I surrender all. I’m tired of trying it my own way. I fully accept the calling, gifts, and talents you have placed in my life. You win God. Funny thing is, I finally feel victorious. Now, I’m ready to walk the path to redemption.


A Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 8, 2019
valentine heart

So you’re single and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  What are you going to do? How are you going to survive another Valentine’s Day being single? Are you going to pretend the day doesn’t exist? Will you stuff your face with food and hide out? You don’t have to do any of that. Here is a single girl’s guide to Valentine’s Day.

1. Date Yourself.

If you are confident and a little adventurous, put on that fancy dress and those heels and take yourself to that restaurant you’ve been dying to try.  Go see that movie that no one else will see with you. Get your nails and hair done. Look and feel as fabulous as you possibly can, then treat yourself to whatever makes you feel fancy.  Who says you have to wait on a man to take you on a date? You are already complete in Christ. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Girl, take yourself out. You deserve it.

2. Log Off of Social Media.

If  you are prone to feeling down or sad because you’re single around Valentine’s Day make sure you log off of social media.  Seeing those couples being lovey-dovey is one sure way to get you all in your feelings. So, just log off. You can log back on when all the Valentine’s Day posts and pictures die down. While you are off, spend some time doing something fulfilling. Read a book you’ve been wanting to read. Go exercise or talk to friends. Pray, meditate, and see what God wants you to do and what He wants to say to you. Take this time you usually spend on social media and just live your life. There is no reason you have to feel sad or lonely on Valentine’s Day.

3. Stop Comparing Yourself.

This goes hand in hand with number two. Looking at all those couples on Instagram or Facebook may have you thinking that you don’t measure up. Nothing is wrong with being single. Nor is it wrong to want companionship, but if you are looking at social media or people around you and pressuring yourself to get into a relationship then stop it. What usually happens when you compare yourself is that you either end up on the short end of the stick or you end up valuing yourself too highly. Neither of those are good for your soul or self-esteem. You must remember that you are enough within yourself.  You are doing this thing according to God‘s timing and it will work in your favor in the end. Your story will be beautiful too, even if it is taking a little longer than anticipated.

4. Go Out With Your Girls.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to get together with your girls and have a fun night out. This option is especially good for those who aren’t yet brave enough to go out alone. Take this time to catch up with some girlfriends you haven’t seen in a while.  Have dinner and see a movie. Go to a comedy club and just have plain good fun. You may just end up having more fun with your girls than you would with a valentine.

5. Do Not Go Out With Some Random Dude Just to Have a Valentine.

This is more of a don’t than a do, but it needs to be said all the same.  Dating a random is a bad idea because you probably don’t like him in the first place. Since you don’t like him, you probably won’t have a good time. As Christian singles we should really stick to dating quality men who we could possibly see a future with. Now I’m not saying you should evaluate men for marriage on the first date or even before the first date, but don’t go out with a random just to have a date on Valentine’s Day.  If a good man that meets your standards happens to ask you out, but all means go, but don’t let loneliness and desperation pressure you into dating a dusty, crusty, and lusty man.

6. Reflect on the Love You Already Have.

On Valentine’s Day we always default to the idea of romantic love or a lack thereof. In reality we are surrounded by an abundance of love. Reflect on the love of family, friends, or even children. Look at how loved and supported you have been just this year. Also reflect on the love that God has for you.  He has loved you and known you before you were even in your mother’s womb. Don’t forget to reflect on how much you love yourself. Look back on how far you’ve come. You’re pretty amazing. Remember who you are and how loved you truly are despite not having a man for Valentine’s Day.

7. Make a Plan for Companionship.

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you do not have a valentine make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day. Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. You will get through this one like you have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine your self-worth or your value as a woman. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day does not diminish anything about you. You are still a strong, loving, and amazing woman. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Celibacy Blues

Posted on January 26, 2019

I have been abstinent since 2013. I’m abstinent because I believe it pleases God.  Although, that hasn’t always been the case. Until recently, my celibacy journey has been more about me, than about pleasing God. Let me explain.

Feeling Alone

I’m a big believer in having a community of people that are like-minded and can encourage you. I have that community. There are people around me that keep me going and keep me headed in God’s direction when things get tough.

One of the things we encourage each other with is remaining abstinent until marriage.

Lately, however, some of my friends have told me that they aren’t abstinent. Some have even told me that they were never abstinent.

Why are so many people are succumbing to sexual temptation? I felt alone. Am I the only one left not having sex? Who’s left in my circle that can stand with me?

Of course, I know that I’m not alone. I know there are people just like me who want to honor God with their bodies.

This is not a condemnation against anyone having sex. But it did make me reflect on my values as it pertains to sex and why I’m celibate.

Celibacy as a Character Trait

Do I think I’m holier because I don’t have sex? Do I attribute my abstinence to being a good person? Do I want a reward because I’m not having sex?

The answer to all of those questions was a resounding YES!

I waved my abstinence flag around like a badge of honor. I wore it proudly so I could seem better than others. That way I could say I really am a God-fearing woman.

Being celibate is not a character trait. It only means that I have enough discipline to not have sex. It definitely doesn’t make me better than anyone else.

It’s so funny how God works. I went to Him to pray for my friends and their journey, and He ended up revealing my heart issues to me.

The Real Reason

Not only had I esteemed myself as better and, let’s be honest, a little holier, I thought that being celibate would get me what I wanted, i.e., marriage, faster.

I thought to be a “good girl” and to follow all the rules, would somehow convince God that I was worthy of marriage.

What in the world was I thinking?

Looking at the speck in my friend’s eye when I had a beam sticking out of my own eye.

Celibacy is only the outward display of self-control. But where was my heart? Why did I compare myself to others and feel like I should be either ahead or feel like I was behind?

Lessons Learned

My story is my story. Comparing what I’m doing or not doing to anyone else will not help me.

I used to hold out my celibacy like I’m so good. Surely God will reward me. My motives weren’t pure. I was not doing it to please God. It was to please myself.

Problem is, being this so-called good girl still didn’t make men act right. I didn’t get married any faster. It was a persona I put on to control and manipulate.

I thought abstinence would attract a certain type of man. It did attract quality men, but it also attracted men who had my same heart issues.

Genuine people who wanted something real saw right through it.

I also used celibacy to protect my heart. It was my shield. I could hide behind it. I’d blame it for things not working out the way I wanted.

I would use it as a deterrent. I would wave my abstinence flag and say, look at what I’m doing. You aren’t worthy! Be gone!

How could this type of behavior glorify God?

What’s the point in me being celibate if my heart isn’t right or if I don’t embody Christ?

There’s no point in not having sex if I judge people who do. If I look down on others for sinning differently and not being as holy as I pretended to be.

Thank God for deliverance. He showed me who I really am.

A Real Change

A friend recently told me that prayer not only changes things, but it also changes us as we hope and stand on faith.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still strong in my resolve. I don’t intend to have sex until I’m married. I’m also not going to think of myself more highly than I ought to.

God is gracious and patient with us. He’s allowed my faith to grow in Him as I continue to seek Him in prayer. My hope is now in Him instead of my ability to abstain from sex.

Examine your hearts. Are you practicing celibacy because you want to please God, or because you feel like it will get you what you want?

Go to God, He’ll definitely tell you.

Thank you for joining me on my journey as a single in Christ and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do!