Reflection

My birthday is soon and as I reflect back on this past year, I can’t help but get a little emotional. I’ll be 32 years old and I imagined that my life would be so different. I thought I would be married with at least 2 kids and the perfect house, job, and car. In reality, I don’t have any of those things. Not to say that I won’t have it someday, but my life is not turning out the way I expected. So, I asked God what’s wrong with me? I don’t necessarily feel like a failure, but I do believe I’m living below the promises of God. It’s quite frustrating. I want to be content in this season and hold on to the joy and peace I receive from God, but it’s hard to cuddle with peace at night. Sometimes I just want someone there to hold me, or to have the money to travel the world on a whim, but alas, here I am just living. 

So every year when my birthday rolls around, I take stock of my life. Where do I want to be? What do I need to do to get there? This year I don’t know. I have no idea where I should be or what I should be doing. I believe that I know my purpose, but how I do I pursue it? Next year at this time I want to be able to look back on my life and actually feel accomplished. Not that I don’t feel accomplished now, I just feel like something is missing. What is it? It can’t be God. He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever. It has to be me. Maybe I’m not praying enough, or maybe I’m not as faithful as I could be. God promised that he would give me the desires of my heart when I delight in Him. Perhaps I’m not delighting in Him as much as I should. Perhaps I still need to remove idols that are separating my heart from God and the promises He has for me. What more do I need to do? I truly desire God’s will for my life. I want to live for Him. I think I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. So, why does it seem like everyone else gets the promises of God and I’m over here twiddling my thumbs? I feel like time is ticking away. I’m trying to hold on, keep the faith, but some days it’s hard. What is one to do on days like this?

I have to be firm in the belief that God is for me and knows what I need and when I need it.  I have to trust Him. I know that I want His best for my life. So, for now, that means I wait. Someone once asked me what’s the hardest part of being single, and I said the wait. Not knowing when or where anything will happen, but still believing that it will. I think that’s one of the hardest things in life. Now that I’m waiting and believing, I have to put in the work. That’s where I’ve messed up in the past, not doing the necessary work. God’s promises are available to me I just have to go get them. I have to pray, be obedient, study to show myself approved, and have faith. It’s easy to say, but intentionally setting aside time to give to God every day hasn’t been so easy. Distractions are endless and excuses are plentiful. I have to be intentional about spending time with Him. I also have to be OK with letting God be God. Just because my life isn’t turning out the way I expected, doesn’t mean it’s not His best for me. I’m willing to take this time and do the work to grab hold of every one of His promises. I’m willing to wait. When I get weary, I’ll cast my cares on Him so He can give me rest.  When I’m having a hard day, I’ll rest assured in the fact that His grace is sufficient. I don’t have to worry or be anxious about anything because God’s got me.  Until I get those promises, I’m going to keep holding on to that joy and peace. I’m going to take comfort in the fact that next year, I’ll be a better person and more secure in God because I set aside my expectations and trusted Him enough to wait.

Our Father, thank You, for Your everlasting love. Help me to hold tight to it while I’m in this season. Search my heart Lord and clean it. Purify me so that I may be closer to You. When I’m feeling restless and tired, help me to cast my cares on You. Change my thought life so that I can think about things that are good, pure, holy, and praiseworthy. Increase my faith. Help me to trust in You more than ever. Let Your will be done in my life. Let my life be used for Your glory.

In Jesus’ name. Amen. 

Philippians 4:4-7 (NLT)

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.