Patiently Waiting

Dear Husband,

I always knew that love would be a choice. It was always floating around in the back of my mind somewhere. Today, however, is the first day I really believed it, or should I say accepted it. I get to choose who I love. Looking back, it doesn’t seem like this should be some big revelation, but the way I viewed love and God, I thought I had no choice in the matter. My perception was that God chose who I was supposed to marry, and I had to just live with it. I thought that I had to be with this person, even if they made me shudder. Then I starting thinking, why would God do that to me? Why would he make me wait for “the one” and then I’d be disappointed with him? God wouldn’t do that. God doesn’t do that. I get to choose who I’ll love. If I get to choose, then maybe there isn’t really just one man made for me. I get to choose the best man for me.

I always thought that meeting my husband would be magical. But God isn’t a magician. He doesn’t perform tricks. He is God. I never realized I put God in a magical box and expected Him to recreate some fairy tale fantasy. God revealed love will not come to me that way. I will make a sober decision on who I will love. It may seem cold-hearted but it’s really not. We are called to be sober-minded and vigilant, to not be led by emotions, but by the Holy Spirit. That’s why I said no to someone who recently told me that I was his wife. I chose not to love him in the romantic sense. Everyone has been asking me, why not him? I just say he wasn’t for me, but the truth is I couldn’t imagine myself with someone I don’t want to kiss or touch. I don’t want to be with someone just because he goes to church. From that experience, I’ve been questioning my expectations of love. Are my standards too high? Is it enough that he’s a Christian? Will God provide the rest in time? Will God allow me to look at him lovingly while I shiver in disgust at the thought of anything beyond a hug? God loves me too much to do that to me. He wants me to live and not just exist. That’s why I said no. Maybe the thoughts of some magical, fantastic love are unrealistic, but the reality of no love is unbearable. Is marriage just duty and submission? Is that all I have to look forward to? I know God will do exceedingly and abundantly above what I ask or can even think. So, that loveless and dutiful marriage must be a lie. God doesn’t want that for me. God sent the Holy Spirit to guide me away from that bleak existence. If I had said yes to him, I would have been merely existing, not living.

Thank You, God, for giving me peace and wisdom about that situation. Thank You, Jesus, for coming so that I may have an abundant life. Jesus didn’t come to earth and die on the cross so that I could barely survive or plainly exist. He came so that I could cast my cares, worries, and fears upon Him. His word brings a peace that surpasses all understanding. My heart is so full with the love of God right now. Thank You, God, that although the love I choose may not be magical, it will be heavenly. There may not be a “one” but my spouse will be sent by God. I’m sure you probably considered some others for marriage, but you will choose me. You will choose to pursue me and ask for my hand in marriage. I will choose to say yes. We will choose each other. When I say yes, know that it means that I choose to love you until there is no more me. I’ll still be the dutiful, submissive wife, but our marriage will be filled with love. A love so deep it will be unspeakable at times. The only way to express it will be to show it. The wait will be worth it. We will have a Godly love that glorifies Him. So, until I meet you and choose to love you, I”ll continue to wait patiently. I will be still and know that He is God. I will keep the faith and reap in due season. God is still God and He will do what He said.

Heavenly Father,

Allow me to continue to walk in faith. Open my eyes to the truth and don’t allow me to be deceived by the discouraging lies of the enemy. Let my heart have an unshakeable hope for marriage. I will be strong and confident because I wait on the Lord. Thank You, God, for giving me the desires of my heart when I’m obedient to You. Father, I ask for discernment to recognize your will. Faith without works is dead, so help me to work on myself and my perception of love. I pray that I continue to develop and grow in You, Lord. Let your will be done.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.

1 Peter 5:8-9English Standard Version (ESV)

 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.