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Dating Lessons

Posted on August 24, 2019
Dating Lessons Learned

I’ve never dated so much in my life. I’ve been on many dates with several men. I have had so much fun. Now, I have a better understanding of what I want. Here are my top five dating lessons learned:

Lesson 1: Surrender

Through this dating process, I’ve let go of a lot of my ideas about love. I learned to surrender. I learned to be vulnerable. I am still learning how to feel my emotions without being led by them. I learned how to say what I want. Being with someone for the rest of my life will require me to give of myself, sometimes more than I’m comfortable with.

Honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are all areas in which I struggle. It’s hard for me to let go of my ideas and plans. Once I truly let go, I see how beautiful life can be. When I surrender, I see God at work and I move out of the way. The same thing happens with relationships. When I stop trying to control the outcome everything turns out greater than I ever expected.

Lesson 2: I’m the Prize

Placing a high value on my self-worth has allowed other people to treat me as such.  When God created me He made a masterpiece. He created something beautiful. Why would I allow anyone to treat me as something less? How can I treat myself as something less than the best? I deserve to be pursued. I do not have to compromise. I will have what God wants for me. I am the prize.

Lesson 3: Where My Hope Comes From

Dating has its ups and downs. There will be periods of time where I hit it off with every guy I like, and then there are periods of time where things just aren’t clicking. During the low moments, it’s easy to get discouraged. When a guy I like ghosts, often the first thought is that I did something wrong. It was during these moments that I had to rely on God and His promises to get me through.

He never promised that I wouldn’t struggle, but He did promise that He already overcame this trouble-filled world. I had to remember, in good times and in bad, that whatever the outcome is my hope will remain in Jesus. My confidence isn’t in me, it’s in Him who works through me. This helped me adjust my attitude when things went left, and to maintain my attitude when things went my way.

Lesson 4: Keep God First

This may sound silly but for a long time, I thought in order to be a real Christian and keep God first I couldn’t do much else. I thought in order to stay on the straight and narrow, I could only go to work, church, and home. The problem with that was that it was boring. I wasn’t meeting anyone, especially not men, and I was losing sight of what God had promised me.

It’s weird, but dating made me put God first. I was very intentional about keeping God involved in my dating process. I prayed before going out, I prayed on the way there, I prayed about the guy. I studied more scripture to make sure I was sober-minded. I asked friends and family for advice and to hold me accountable. This habit spilled over into other areas of my life. Now I know that as long as He’s first, everything else will fall into place.

Lesson 5: I Am A Wife

I believe I’m in the position to be found. I declare I’m a wife now. No, I’m not married yet and there is no potential man in the picture right now. But I declare that I am a wife right now. Yes, I can cook and clean and fulfill all of those domestic duties, but being a wife is about more than that. To do a little humble bragging, I have a good character. I can listen, help, support, encourage, pray, believe, love, and make money. There are definitely still things I need to learn about being a wife but I know I am a good thing. I am a wife.

Bonus Lesson: What I Want

I know I want a man who loves God more than he will ever love me. I want a man who’s responsible with money. I want a worshipper. I want a spiritual leader. I want someone who will pray with me and for me. 
Now, I realize the importance of having Christ as the foundation. Maybe dating as I have isn’t the path for everyone. I’m happy God took me along this path though. While it hasn’t been easy, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. 

So here’s my truth. I want to be married. While I’m thankful that I’ve had to opportunity to meet so many great men, I want my husband. Dating has been amazing. But, what I really want is my husband and family. What I truly want is to allow God to do His job and I put in the work of me dating men I can see myself marrying.

I started this journey because I want every promise God has for me. I’m determined to see His goodness in the land of the living. This isn’t the end of me dating. It’s the beginning of my taking dating seriously. So, prayerfully I will not be dating for long (please Jesus). Of course, it will happen in His timing and I’m in no rush. Until then, thanks for joining me on this journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

We also recommend:

http://www.singleinchrist.org/mystory

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi_zkBNDJLU1HPRR80SbXNA

Letting Go

Posted on March 15, 2019

It’s time I started letting go of some of my past hurts and anger. Choices I made make me so mad at myself sometimes. I am angry about the risks I took on love that didn’t work out. I’m mad that I told myself over and over again that I wouldn’t be that dumb girl that got played. Yet I ended up getting played.

Anger

I was so upset that I allowed myself to be put in that situation. I knew better. How did it end up like that? I should have been more careful. I should have been more sober-minded; more vigilant. I should have guarded my heart better. All the signs were there. All the red flags I chose to ignore were staring me in the face.

I got played by this person who wasn’t even supposed to be in my life. My instincts and the Holy Spirit told me not to do it. But, I did it anyway. I allowed this person into my heart who shouldn’t have been in my life. As a result, I got my heart broken. It’s not all his fault. But I sure did blame him.

Now What?

Now, I’m dealing with the aftermath. I took a risk on love and loss. How can I move forward? I don’t want to be single forever. Honestly, I don’t want to deal with a broken heart ever again.

So I’ve put up a great wall around my heart and emotions. No one can get access until I’m sure I won’t lose again. Until I’m guaranteed that I won’t be hurt. The only problem is, it’s keeping me single. I definitely don’t want to be single forever.

What is a girl to do? I’m so guarded I can’t tell the difference between dusty, crusty men and good men with flaws. I fear being hurt, I fear rejection, I fear abandonment. So, I’m going to give all of these things to God. Pray constantly. This is a process. God is restoring me.

Letting Go

He doesn’t want to keep any good thing from me. I’m keeping good things from myself by not letting go. As I continue to date, all of these areas that need improvement keep coming up. I thought I had resolved so many of these issues, yet here they are raising their ugly heads again.

Okay, God. I’m done for real this time. I’m giving it all to You. I literally cannot do this anymore. I want what You have for me. I’m going to grab hold of every one of Your promises. I know You are pruning me and preparing me.

It’s all good. Through dating, God has given me the chance to grow in areas I hadn’t recognized needed improvement. I’m being tested in so many areas. I’ve learned so much about myself in this process. God’s love for me amazes me. Now that I know better, I’m going to do better.

My Prayer

I pray that you grab hold of whatever God has promised you as well. Sis, you’re his daughter. You have full access to His kingdom. Let go of whatever is separating you from Him and the good things He has for you. He loves you too much to keep it away from you. Be prepared though. The process may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Here’s to us growing and loving the way God wants us to! Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. It’s a wild ride sometimes.

-Kim

P.S. Homie still hasn’t met my support circle. He made me mad last week and I had to dig into why I was so angry over something so little. My digging brought up all these feelings and is the reason behind this post. So, I’ll introduce him to my people on a week that hasn’t been so emotional.

Recommended Resource: For Christian Singles, One is a Whole Number

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My Story

The One

Posted on September 1, 2018

I’m not sure I believe in the concept of “the one.” I know the world and even some churches spout the idea of only one person for every person out there. But, what if that’s not true? What if there isn’t only one person for me? What if we have to use our wisdom and discernment to decide who is best for us?

I know, I know. We have this entire idea in our heads that there is this one perfect person who will be our soul mate. We hold a fantasy that this person will bring happiness, completion, and satisfaction to our lives once we meet them. I just don’t buy it.

Out of all the billions of people on this earth, only one of them is for me? What if he married another person? What if he dies before I meet him? There are all sorts of scenarios that could keep me from meeting “the one.” That’s why I definitely think there isn’t just one person who is my soul mate.

If there’s no such thing as “the one”, how do we know who to marry? Like I said before, I think that’s where our God-given wisdom and discernment come into play. We know what is attractive and what we want in a future spouse. Let’s ask God in prayer to help us see those characteristics. Let’s make sure that we are desiring what aligns with His will.

We have heard testimonies from people saying God told them this one person was their spouse and they ended up marrying that person. We have also heard testimonies from people who heard God tell them who their spouse is, and that person ended up marrying someone else.

So, what’s going on? Is God telling some people and not others? Are people just attributing their attraction to God? To answer some of these questions, I studied some married couples in the bible. The first, of course, is Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:21-24).

God put Adam to sleep, took part of his side, and built Eve. Yahweh created Eve as a companion who corresponded with Adam. When Adam awoke, God brought Eve to him. Adam then exclaimed, “At last!” Which is in today’s terms is something like “hot diggity dog, finally someone for me!”

God never specifically told Adam to marry Eve, but I guess He didn’t have to. Adam liked what he saw in Eve, called her woman, and had relations with her.

The next couple is Rebekah and Isaac (Genesis 24:12-21, 66-67). Rebekah’s story begins with Abraham wanting a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife. While the servant was traveling he asked God for a sign. He asked God that the woman to be Isaac’s wife offer him water and offer to water his camels.

Before the servant finished praying, Rebekah was walking by. She had the characteristics he prayed for. Isaac loved her and took her as his wife. Here, God didn’t tell the servant the specific person Isaac should marry, but He did answer his prayers by sending Rebekah. 

The next couple is Hosea and Gomer. Yahweh spoke to Hosea and to him to, “go marry a prostitute who will bear illegitimate children conceived through prostitution because the nation continually commits spiritual prostitution by turning away from the Lord” (Hosea 1:2-3). Hosea was obedient and married a prostitute named Gomer.

God told Hosea the type of woman to marry, but not exactly who to marry. It was Hosea’s responsibility to go out and find a prostitute. Perhaps God will tell you the type of person to marry. Then it’s up to you to choose the person who meets God’s requirements.

The last couple is Mary and Joseph, who were engaged. But before they had marital relations, Mary became pregnant with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. Joseph planned to send her away privately because he was a righteous man.

While he thought about leaving her, an angel of the Lord came to him. The angel said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, because the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 1:18-25). Joseph obeyed. God told him specifically who to marry so that His plan for salvation could be fulfilled.

I believe that God will definitely speak to us about the type of person we should marry. I also believe that we should pray for our future spouse. We must know what characteristics they should have and make sure they align with God’s purpose for our lives.

Put God first in all things. He will direct our paths. Keep trusting and believing in God. Although there isn’t “the one,” there is someone you will choose to marry. Remain prayerful and hopeful. It’s still in God’s hands.

Keep The Faith Part 2

Posted on July 20, 2018

Last week I posted about an encounter I had with an older woman who lost her faith in being married. The reason her story resonated with me is that I was once in that place. My faith in God wavered in many areas especially the area of getting married.

I feared that I would marry the wrong person. I convinced myself that I would marry an unfaithful man that really didn’t like me. I couldn’t shake the fear that I would marry this awful man who fooled me in the beginning and then revealed his true nature after marriage.

I thought if this is what I’m destined for, why get married at all? Why should I hope and have faith in God for something that would destroy me? I decided to just be that great friend who is always single or that fantastic aunt that gives her nieces and nephews the best gifts because she didn’t have any kids of her own.

I suspect the fear came from past relationships where I felt it started out wonderfully, then turned horrible. I couldn’t see anything else for myself. I forgot that faith isn’t about what I see. That fear developed into doubt. I didn’t trust God. I didn’t believe He could do what He promised.

I convinced myself that I didn’t even want a husband or kids. There weren’t any male prospects around me. I felt really lonely and bad about myself. I lost hope. I stopped praying because I didn’t think God heard me. I honestly thought He was punishing me for mistakes I made in the past. Instead of turning to God and casting my cares on Him so He can exalt me at the proper time, I turned to myself. I created a vision for my life that didn’t include the will of God.

I lost hope for the better part of a year. I literally felt like His grace left me. I felt like I was on my own, forever. It was a terrible feeling.  I doubted Him and forgot His promises. I forgot that He told me that I will be a wife and mother. I forgot He told me that grace is a gift from Him that I can’t earn. I forgot that nothing can separate me from His love. I forgot that the will of God is pleasing, good, and perfect. I forgot that the blessings of the Lord make me rich and won’t give me any sorrow.  I lost sight of Him. I allowed my emotions to rule me.

Instead of loving God with all of my mind, heart, and soul, I loved only myself. I put on the appearance of a Christian without living the lifestyle. I know all the churchy buzzwords to make it seem like I’m fantastic. Thank God that He knows my heart. He knew the pain and hopelessness I felt. He restored me. He gave me an unshakable faith in Him by sending people to speak life over me.

He sent His people to remind me of His promises. He told me that marriage is in His will for my life. He told me that I will be happy and loved. He told me that I am lovable. He told me that I will be a mother. He told me that He didn’t give me the spirit of fear. I chose to believe Him. I asked Him for forgiveness and to renew my mind. Renewal is a process.

I still have to tell myself daily that I trust in the Lord and in His timing. I still have to tell myself that I am a wife and mother. Notice that I use the present tense. I have to see myself as God sees me. He sees my entire future and I believe that in His perfect timing I will be a wife and mother. I believe that I am and will be happy.

I see now that loving and trusting God is a daily (or more often) choice. I choose to trust Him. I choose to pray and be honest about how I’m feeling. I choose to have daily affirmations that remind me of His promises for my life. I choose to remain in fellowship with those that speak life over me and remind me to keep God first.

If you have ever lost hope, my prayer is that this encourages you to seek God. Be honest with how and why you’re feeling the way you are. God hasn’t left you. He’s not punishing you for anything. I pray you are able to feel how much He loves you. I pray He sends angels to encircle you and encourage you. I pray that you surround yourself with people who will speak life into you if you’re struggling to believe. I’m a living witness that you can be restored. Your faith can increase. I pray that you are encouraged and continue to keep the faith.

Heavenly Father,

I praise You in advance for Your will being done in our lives. Thank You for every promise that You have spoken over us. I choose to cast down doubt and fear and live in the power and love that You have given us. I choose to trust You, Lord. I choose to seek You diligently. I choose to put You first in every area of my life. Renew our mind,  Lord. Help us to have the attitude and mind of Christ. Thank You Holy Spirit, for leading and guiding us into all truth. 

In Jesus’ name,

Amen. 

Mark 11:22-24 (NIV)

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

To Approach or To Not Approach?

Posted on April 27, 2018

We all know that faith without works is dead. So when it comes to entering a relationship, how much work are we as Christian women supposed to put in? Should we approach men? There are two schools of thought on the subject. Some people say it’s the man’s role to initiate and the woman’s role to respond. Others say that there’s nothing wrong with a woman initiating conversation or even asking a man on a date.

The problem with the former is that single Christian women are often frustrated with men that never initiate. Several of my girlfriends and I find it frustrating to have a man basically stare you down but never approach. The problem with the latter school of thought is that women should not pursue men. But is it really pursuing a man by initiating contact? It can get tricky.

There are all kinds of statistics and studies on why women should approach men but we are called to live by a different standard. What does God have to say about it? Is it sinful for a Christian woman to approach a Christian man?

The New Testament doesn’t really offer much in the way of dating advice. There is, of course, Ephesians 5 which encourages husbands and wives to submit to each other and sets out God’s design for leadership. The husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). God wants the man to be the leader, but this verse speaks specifically to husbands and wives. What about single women? Are we supposed to let men lead in the dating world too?

The Old Testament does have some courting and marriage stories. The two that stuck out to me was Rebekah and Ruth. Rebekah’s story begins with Abraham wanting a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife and while the servant was traveling he asked God for a sign. He asked God that the woman to be Isaac’s wife offer him water and offer to water his camels.

This is significant because the servant had 10 camels with him and thirsty camels can drink up to 25 gallons of water. When the servant came to the well he asked Rebekah for some water. She said yes and offered to water his camels too. Rebekah didn’t initiate contact but she was kind and showed her true servant’s heart. Although the was very beautiful, it was her heart that ultimately won over the servant.

Ruth’s story begins with her being a widow and going back to Naomi’s, her mother-in-law, hometown. Because they had no male relative to take care of them, they were practically destitute. Ruth gleaned from the fields of Boaz so that she could eat. Boaz saw how hard she was working and. Told the men in the field to leave her alone. It is discovered that Boaz is their kinsman-redeemer so Naomi urged Ruth to dress up and go lay on the threshing floor with Boaz. Though this seems like Ruth is approaching Boaz for marriage, what she was really doing was asking for protection from poverty, which was Boaz’s responsibility. Her request just so happened to result in marriage.

So what now? Should Christian women initiate contact or not? I think the number one thing to do, in all circumstances, is to be led by the Holy Spirit and glorify God in everything you do. What we learn from Rebekah and Ruth is to be loyal, faithful, and kind-hearted. Those characteristics ultimately got them married. We also learn that their intentions were pure. Their interactions with the men weren’t for the purpose of starting a relationship.

There is nothing sinful with initiating contact by saying hello or smiling at a potential mate. Letting someone know through a wave or kind word that you’re open for conversation is perfectly fine. I personally would never ask a man out because I feel that blurs the line of pursuit. I don’t want to be in the position to continually have to initiate every date or contact. I think the man should show some leadership skills if we are dating with the purpose of marriage in mind.

Rebekah and Ruth didn’t do anything extraordinary to meet their husbands. They were out living their lives and doing what they probably did every day. Rachel was getting water from the well. Ruth was getting some food to eat. Their loyalty, generosity, and hard work led to their marriages. The men noticed something different about them through their everyday actions.

If you desire marriage, get serious about doing our Father’s business. Figure out the purpose He’s placed on your life and get busy. While you’re out serving or just in the regular course of your day, there’s no telling who you’ll meet. Arrange a group dinner with men and women. Be deliberate about who you invite. Strike up conversations about everything. Get some good eye contact in. Be open, be kind, and follow God. He’s sure to give you the desires of your heart.

 

Our Father,

I pray Your will be done in my life. Thank You for allowing me to serve You. I consider it a privilege and an honor. I trust You, God. I believe that Your promises are yes and amen. I believe that Your faithful promises are my armor and protection. Help me to give You all of my cares, worries, and frustrations. Help me to wait on and trust in You, Lord. I pray that my husband seeks You and is led by You. I pray that my husband exhibits leadership qualities and surrenders his will to Yours. Thank You for already arranging the day we will meet. Help us to live a life pleasing to You. Help us to live according to Your commands. Let our meeting, courtship, and marriage glorify You, God.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

 

 

Watch the latest podcast episode: Approachable

Called to be Single

Posted on December 22, 2017

It seems like singleness is rampant these days. There are so many seminars and books to help people cope with being single. There are countless dating apps and websites for finding love and making sure you find “the one.” There aren’t many places devoted to helping one be single. There is an enormous societal push to get people married, yet so many remain single. This question was impressed on my spirit this week, can being single be a calling for someone’s life?

Jesus said in Matthew 19:12, “For there are some eunuchs who were that way from birth, and some who were made eunuchs by others, and some who became eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who is able to accept this should accept this.” To give this verse some context, in the beginning of Matthew 19 the disciples are asking Jesus about divorce. Jesus says that Moses allowed it in cases of immorality, or adultery, because of our hard hearts, but this is not God’s original plan. The disciples say if this is the case, it’s better to not marry. It’s at this point that Jesus says, some are naturally incapacitated for marriage, some are made to not marry by others, and some voluntarily abstain from marriage for God.

Jesus lays out three situations in which people remain single. There are some people who never intend to marry or can’t do so because of mental or health reasons. They are naturally incapacitated for marriage.  I can understand that.  Another situation is when some choose not to marry in order to serve God. I can understand this too. I admire people who are able to do this. They get to serve God wholeheartedly without certain distractions their entire lives.

These people are like Paul, choosing to remain single in order to best serve the kingdom of God. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul says, “ But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.” Paul says singleness and marriage are both gifts, but it’s better to stay single. How often do you view singleness as a gift?  What if you fall into the other category Jesus talks about?

The other category Jesus talks about is when someone did not marry because of others. The message bible puts it this way, “Others never get asked–or accepted.” These people clearly have the desire to marry, just never had the opportunity to do so. This one is a little harder to understand because this very well could be me. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I will look at singleness as a gift; a gift God gives to everyone, at least for a little while.

Lastly, Jesus says, “the one who is able to accept this should accept this.” Marriage isn’t for everyone. Are you called to be single? The only way to find out the what God has in store for you is to get closer to Him through praying, fasting, and studying His word.  The only way to accept this is to know His will for your life. He will give you everything you need to sustain you. Take this time of singleness and enjoy life. Pursue God, serve Him with reckless abandon. Go out into the world and tell them about all He has done for you. Once you get married, you may not have the same opportunity to do these things.

I had a hard time writing this because I want to marry. I wasn’t quite sure why God impressed this question upon my heart. Even as I type this, I’m praying for my future husband.   In the book When God Writes Your Love Story by Leslie and Eric Ludy, a woman says that she is called to be single today. That answer resonated with me. I can’t worry about tomorrow, today has enough troubles of its own. So, am I called to be single? At least for today, I am. Hopefully, my answer will change one day, but if it doesn’t, I will still live for God. I will pursue Him. I will make sure my heart is in the right posture by putting God first. I will view my life as a gift.

 

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the gift of singleness. You know what I need and when I need it. I’m deciding to put my trust in You. I want what You have for me. Let Your will be done. Thank You, Father, for this time so that I am able to get closer to You than ever before. Thank You for gracing me in my singleness. Thank You for renewing my mind in Christ, helping me to see this time in my life as I have never seen it before. Thank You for a refreshing, and for the peace that comes along with it.

 

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.