Today I want to tell you a little more about me. It’s only been 1.5 years since I have really accepted myself. It has taken most of my life to believe that I was beautiful or worthy of love. This has been a long journey, so let’s go back to the beginning.
The Beginning
When I was a little girl, I never really thought about my physical appearance. I imagine I was like most other little girls. My only concerns were making sure I did what I had to do so I could go play and have fun.
I spent my summer days with my grandmother. One summer day when I was around 8 years old, my care-free days came to a crashing halt.
Some event was taking place that day and the entire family was at my grandmother’s house. I ran into her house, happy yet exhausted from a full day of playing outside.
I don’t remember what I was doing or saying. Nothing stands out in my mind as to why my close adult relative pulled me to the side and called me fat and ugly.
I do remember how I felt just after hearing those words; crushed. My feelings were really hurt. I told another adult and the response was, well lose weight then.
What I heard was, you are ugly, but at least you can change it.
I must deserve this. If two grown people think this it must be true. What I feel about myself no longer matters.
The Result
Several things happened in that moment.
- I believed it.
- My feelings weren’t validated.
- I began to internalize things and not speak.
- I stopped believing the positive things people said about me.
- My cycle of low self-esteem and self-worth began.
- I felt unloved.
The Cycle Begins
From that point on, I literally hated looking in the mirror. I felt bad that other people had to look at me.
So as I matured and become a teenager, imagine my surprise when I notice boys are starting to look at me. By this point, I was so desperate for validation, I take to whoever calls me beautiful.
I choose who to date based on how beautiful they think I am. So starts the cycle of me choosing the wrong men. I required them to spend all of their time with me. They had to constantly tell me how pretty I was. That’s how I felt love.
If they didn’t affirm me it was a problem. I needed constant validation. Why were they with me? What else did I have to offer?
It didn’t matter that I had graduated from law school and passed the bar by the age of 24. My accomplishments meant nothing because of how I viewed myself.
How I looked or dressed didn’t matter because what was the point? I just didn’t care. After the end of my 5-year
Although I knew I couldn’t marry him, I had thoughts that no one will ever want me again. I’m still not pretty enough, I’m still not valuable enough. No one cares about what I think, feel, or what I have to say.
Healing
Then my true healing began. I have talked about this period a lot, but I never shared the impetus of the pain. That’s why I’m quiet. That’s why I pushed people away. I’m glad God showed the root cause, so I can heal properly.
This is what led me to God and to Him affirming me and validating me. It still took some time for me to really believe that I was valuable and loved.
I constantly prayed for God to love me, not knowing that He always had and always will. That nothing will separate me from His love. I prayed for things that I already had.
That’s why I say feelings aren’t facts. It took me until I was almost 32 years old to feel confident in myself. To know that I don’t need the validation of others to function.
My voice matters and what I have to say is important. It took me to do a podcast and blog to realize that people do want to hear what I have to say.
My confidence doesn’t come from anyone else. It only comes from God.
The Other Side
It was a long and painful process, but I made it. I am decidedly on the other side. Praise God!
Now I don’t have to make decisions from a broken place. I choose who to date based not on how good they think I look but based on their character.
While I appreciate compliments, I don’t need them anymore. I truly desire a a man who will love God more than he will ever love me. I realize that it’s not all about me.
The confidence I have now, God gave it to me. He gave me a peace and love that I have never known before. I’m excited to see what God has in store because it can only get better from here.
Remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do!
-Kim
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