My Internal Battle

During certain times of the year, I start battling with myself. I start seeing people out having fun and start really questioning my life and walk with God. I think things like, I want God to use me, but I also want to do what I want to do. Is being holy really that important? God knows my heart and that I still love Him right?  I know He’s calling me to higher heights and deeper depths, but do I really have to lose my life to do that?  I’d like to go out and be with other people my age, but I don’t want to feel convicted. Why does my life have to look so markedly different? What’s the real cost of giving my life to Christ? Why does this worldly stuff seem so appealing?  Then I ask myself, what is it that I’m really after? Do I want God or do I want the world? There is no in-between.

The bottom line is if I really desire God and to glorify Him with my life, then I have to live for Him. I have to continuously choose Him. This means crucifying my flesh, dying to myself, picking up the cross, and following Christ. When I gave my life to Christ it meant that I no longer have to live in condemnation.  God’s forgiveness means my sins are removed from me as the east is from the west. Now that I’m counted as one of God’s children I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. I’ve finally found a real, totally encompassing love. I have an unspeakable joy and strength in Him that allows me to conquer every storm in life. I’m now surrounded by good, Godly people who support and encourage me. I also get to be in right-standing with God. I know He covers me. I know He sees me and cares for my every need. I finally found my purpose. So why is that old life still appealing?

Now that I’m far removed from the clubs, drinking, and one-night stands, why does it still seem to be so much fun? Why does that old life still hold influence over me? Especially since I remember the emptiness and shame I felt after waking up from a drunken night out with a sick stomach and over-drafted bank account. I still remember the awkwardness of trying to manipulate men into taking me out because I was broke and hungry.  Thinking back on it, those times weren’t so fun. I was exhausted, weary, and busted. I looked good on the outside, but my soul was withering away. I was in a constant search to fill the void I felt on the inside. I may have thought those times were fun in the moment, but the consequences of sin are not fun. The deliverance I needed from doing whatever, whenever, with whomever, is not fun. Sometimes I’m just like the Israelites begging to go back into bondage just because they knew what to expect.

Back then I walked by sight, now I’m doing my best to walk by faith. Honestly, that scares me a little sometimes. I don’t always know what’s going to happen, I just have to trust God. Trusting Him isn’t always easy. Then I remember God hasn’t failed me yet. Every time I decide to trust Him, He blows my mind. He always makes a way for me. He loves me and I love Him. In Him, I’m complete and actually happy.  I can’t go back to that old life.  I’ve decided to follow Jesus. I’m a new creature in Christ, the old me has passed away and look I’m new! So, when I start to feel those pangs of desire for that old thing, I just remember all that God has done for me. I think about the freedom I get to experience now that I’m no longer bound. God still has some work to do on me, but I’m happy to let Him do it.

Thank You, God, for liberating me. Thank You for taking me in dirty and helpless and making me clean and worthy of your Your love. God, You took my mess and gave me a message. Help me to live for you, Lord. Give me the strength to crucify my flesh daily, to look only to You for fulfillment. You are my guard and shield. You lovingly protect me from things seen and unseen. Thank You, God, that I am a new creature in You. I no longer have to be bound to sin. Thank You, Father, for the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Allow Him to continue to lead and guide me into all truth. Let me not lean to my own understanding, but acknowledge You in all my ways, so that You will make my paths straight. I choose You, God, every moment of every day, I choose You. 

In Jesus’ name.

Amen. 

^{Matthew 26: 41 (NIV)}

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!