Insecurities

Ever since I was a small child I have struggled with insecurities. I don’t remember if it was one specific event or a series of events, but as far back as I can remember I’ve been very insecure. I remember thinking I was ugly and unwanted. I felt like if I disappeared no one would care or even be affected. I battled these feelings until my mid to late twenties.

As a result of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness, I closed myself off. I became a loner and a people pleaser so that I wouldn’t get hurt. I never got too close to anyone because I didn’t want to feel the pain of rejection. The people I let get a little closer to me, I constantly tried to please.

I didn’t want my assumptions about people to be correct. I didn’t want to be hurt or rejected. The only way I knew how to not be hurt was to distance myself from people. I kept everyone at least an arm’s length distance from me. Which is just close enough for me to have the illusion of a relationship, but still far away enough that they wouldn’t know me enough to hurt me.

I felt like people never really understood me. But looking back, how could they? I was caught in this vicious cycle of longing for acceptance and understanding, but too fearful of the hurt to allow someone close enough to accept or understand me. This cycle went on for years. I just couldn’t seem to break it. In my early twenties, I accepted the fact that this would be my life.

Mind you I have been in church all of my life. I should have known the promises of God. I should have known what He thinks about me and how much He loves me. But I didn’t. That’s my own fault. I had access to the King and His kingdom my entire life but I didn’t take advantage. I didn’t put in the effort to simply enter in and experience His grace and loving mercy. I didn’t take the time to get to know God through our Savior and bask in His presence.

So I kept battling these insecurities and feelings of low self-esteem. Then came college. I thought that this would be the best opportunity for me to start over. I moved to a new place where people didn’t know me and I could hide how I really felt about myself. I put on a brave face and pretended like I was confident.

It worked for a while, at least I thought so. Looking back, I still had insecure tendencies. I still craved the acceptance of people. I still sought to please people in order to gain their approval. Those same thoughts and feelings were still lurking under the surface.

Though I presented to the world that I was confident, I think my new found freedom helped me to mask those feelings of insecurity better. No healing had taken place. No true deliverance occurred. I just became a master at pushing what I really felt down and away. I was living a facade.

Those deep-seeded feeling of insecurity and low self-esteem caused me to make bad decisions. I was making life decisions from a wounded place. My need for approval and my hurt and pain from perceived rejection got me into some pretty sticky situations. It’s only by the grace of God that I didn’t end up diseased, pregnant, or seriously injured.

By this time I’m nearing the end of college and I get into this relationship. I thought that this would be the answer to everything. I thought this relationship would finally heal me. Needless to say, it didn’t. The relationship only exposed my false confidence and it brought up all those insecurities I tried to hide. When someone wants to be that close to you, it’s hard to keep on the mask.

Fast forward five years and the relationship is over. I was alone, aloof, and distraught. I spiraled deeper and deeper into the already dark and discouraged recesses of my mind. I allowed those feelings to take a stronghold in my life and believed they were true. I believed what those thoughts said about me.

At this time when I envisioned my future, I saw a dark and lonely place. I saw a literal cloud hanging above me for the rest of my life. I didn’t think anything would ever lift me from this fog. I actually believed that there was no hope for me. That’s when I had my come to Jesus moment.

Through much prayer, tears, and counseling I learned how to fight against those thoughts. I learned that I don’t have to push the thoughts and feelings down. I have permission to feel. I can feel them and then push them away. Just because the thought came doesn’t mean it has to stay. I have control over what happens in my mind.

Though less frequent, the thoughts do still come. But instead of dwelling on them and believing them, I tell myself the truth about who I am and about whose I am.  I have a wall of affirmations that I say aloud every day. I put them up in my room, on my computer at work, and on my phone so that I have a constant reminder.

I admit I didn’t believe them at first. I had to say them with tears streaming down my face, but I still said them. I repeated these affirmations over and over until I received them in my heart. I often say them while I’m looking in the mirror because I need to see myself saying something positive about me. The affirmations remind me that I am somebody and my hope and confidence are in Jesus.

Here are a few of the affirmations I say daily:

I decree and declare that my words have power.

I believe that which I speak will manifest.

I speak with expectation.

I am more than a conqueror through Jesus.

I am smart, beautiful, and I make wise decisions.

I trust God and His timing.

I am happy, whole, and confident in the woman God has created me to be.

I am worthy.

I am valuable.

I am loved, loving, and lovable.

I have a lot more on my wall of affirmation. Reaching this point didn’t happen overnight. I started with a few affirmations that I would say and now I have 4 poster boards full. That old pain helped to push me into my purpose. It pushed me closer to God.

Your testimony may be different than mine, but I’m here to tell you that there is an after this. Seek God and He will provide healing and restoration. He rewards those that diligently seek Him. Your sense of self should not depend on what the world says you are or aren’t. Your self-esteem should only come from who you are in Christ.

Our Father,

Allow us to see who we are in You. Do not let us be fooled or tricked by the enemy. We believe what You say about us. We believe that we are etched in the palm of Your hand. We believe that we are loved and that nothing will ever separate us from Your love. We believe that You have deemed us worthy and valuable and that You do not lie. Thank You, God, for deliverance, healing, and restoration. Thank You, for making our stone hearts into flesh. Help us be confident in who we are in You.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

 

Luke 12:7 (ESV)

Why even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Check out the latest podcast episode: Insecurities