Celibacy Blues

I have been abstinent since 2013. I’m abstinent because I believe it pleases God.  Although, that hasn’t always been the case. Until recently, my celibacy journey has been more about me, than about pleasing God. Let me explain.

Feeling Alone

I’m a big believer in having a community of people that are like-minded and can encourage you. I have that community. There are people around me that keep me going and keep me headed in God’s direction when things get tough.

One of the things we encourage each other with is remaining abstinent until marriage.

Lately, however, some of my friends have told me that they aren’t abstinent. Some have even told me that they were never abstinent.

Why are so many people are succumbing to sexual temptation? I felt alone. Am I the only one left not having sex? Who’s left in my circle that can stand with me?

Of course, I know that I’m not alone. I know there are people just like me who want to honor God with their bodies.

This is not a condemnation against anyone having sex. But it did make me reflect on my values as it pertains to sex and why I’m celibate.

Celibacy as a Character Trait

Do I think I’m holier because I don’t have sex? Do I attribute my abstinence to being a good person? Do I want a reward because I’m not having sex?

The answer to all of those questions was a resounding YES!

I waved my abstinence flag around like a badge of honor. I wore it proudly so I could seem better than others. That way I could say I really am a God-fearing woman.

Being celibate is not a character trait. It only means that I have enough discipline to not have sex. It definitely doesn’t make me better than anyone else.

It’s so funny how God works. I went to Him to pray for my friends and their journey, and He ended up revealing my heart issues to me.

The Real Reason

Not only had I esteemed myself as better and, let’s be honest, a little holier, I thought that being celibate would get me what I wanted, i.e., marriage, faster.

I thought to be a “good girl” and to follow all the rules, would somehow convince God that I was worthy of marriage.

What in the world was I thinking?

Looking at the speck in my friend’s eye when I had a beam sticking out of my own eye.

Celibacy is only the outward display of self-control. But where was my heart? Why did I compare myself to others and feel like I should be either ahead or feel like I was behind?

Lessons Learned

My story is my story. Comparing what I’m doing or not doing to anyone else will not help me.

I used to hold out my celibacy like I’m so good. Surely God will reward me. My motives weren’t pure. I was not doing it to please God. It was to please myself.

Problem is, being this so-called good girl still didn’t make men act right. I didn’t get married any faster. It was a persona I put on to control and manipulate.

I thought abstinence would attract a certain type of man. It did attract quality men, but it also attracted men who had my same heart issues.

Genuine people who wanted something real saw right through it.

I also used celibacy to protect my heart. It was my shield. I could hide behind it. I’d blame it for things not working out the way I wanted.

I would use it as a deterrent. I would wave my abstinence flag and say, look at what I’m doing. You aren’t worthy! Be gone!

How could this type of behavior glorify God?

What’s the point in me being celibate if my heart isn’t right or if I don’t embody Christ?

There’s no point in not having sex if I judge people who do. If I look down on others for sinning differently and not being as holy as I pretended to be.

Thank God for deliverance. He showed me who I really am.

A Real Change

A friend recently told me that prayer not only changes things, but it also changes us as we hope and stand on faith.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still strong in my resolve. I don’t intend to have sex until I’m married. I’m also not going to think of myself more highly than I ought to.

God is gracious and patient with us. He’s allowed my faith to grow in Him as I continue to seek Him in prayer. My hope is now in Him instead of my ability to abstain from sex.

Examine your hearts. Are you practicing celibacy because you want to please God, or because you feel like it will get you what you want?

Go to God, He’ll definitely tell you.

Thank you for joining me on my journey as a single in Christ and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do!