Category:

Sex

Last Single Valentine's Day

Sexual Desires

Posted on August 4, 2020

Lately, I’m not sure what’s going on but I have been really hot in the pants. As a single Christian woman, I want to live right but these sexual desires just aren’t going away. So, what am I supposed to do with them? I don’t necessarily want them to go away, but I also don’t want to act on them. Now I’m left with these sexual desires and no way to fulfill them.

Ask God

So, I came to God with all of these emotions and desires and asked Him what to do with them. How can I use these feelings to glorify Him? What can I do to not fall into temptation? For 6 years I suppressed these desires. Church taught me that sex was bad and dirty until marriage. So, I didn’t have sex. To avoid sex, I didn’t interact with men. But I wanted marriage and I was tired of being lonely and frustrated. So, in late 2018 I began dating.

Intimate Relationships

The problem was I never reconciled how to have an intimate relationship with a man without having sex. To remedy this, I set up boundaries. My boundaries included no phone calls, dates, or texts after 10:30 pm. Dates were planned well in advance in public places. Under no circumstance was I to be alone in the dark with a man. As time progressed and I went on more dates, my boundaries started to fade away. I justified breaking my own rules by telling myself I was strong enough to not sin. Plus, I was living with my parents at the time and I thought, what could happen? That was my biggest mistake.

Failing

The second half of 2019 was a mess. I was too prideful and grown for my good. I ended up having sex. There was no way I can date and remain holy without boundaries. I thought I was good and ended up falling. It seemed like I was getting away with it, so I kept going. No one knew and I still accomplished some really good things. Yet, those close to me saw a subtle difference. They knew something was wrong. I knew that life wasn’t sustainable. The wage of sin is death. I allowed my flesh to rule and even though on the surface 2019 was a great year, what I most remember was my failure to live a life that was pleasing to God.

Redeemed

The death wasn’t so visible at first. I was still in church, singing on the praise team, and leading the singles ministry. But I wasn’t praying like I used to. I couldn’t hear God as clearly as before. I’m sure I missed some critical instructions by being disobedient. But I let my flesh win for the better part of a year. By the end of 2019, I was crying out to God for mercy. I settled and compromised and landed in a place far from God. He healed me, forgave me, and delivered me. I have no intentions to go back to that place.

What Now?

Yet, these sexual desires aren’t going away. They are loud and calling out to me almost every day. So again, what am I supposed to do? I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be horny and it doesn’t make me less of a person. It’s not dirty or wrong to have these desires. What is wrong is when I act upon them outside of marriage. God gave me the sexual desires just like He gave me the desire to follow Him. Now that I know nothing is wrong with me, how do I navigate these sexual desires? I contemplated having sex again, but the Holy Spirit quickly convicted me. The next step was to determine if I wanted an orgasm or companionship. Because I’m so used to not having one without the other in romantic relationships, I confused those emotions.

With my boundaries back in place, I started dating and found the companionship I desired, but sometimes that sexual feeling won’t go away. I’m determined to do right by God this time. So, when these feelings become too intense, I pray and tell God about it. Since God gave me these feelings and He knows about it, I talk to Him. Then I do something positive like praise, sing, dance, read, or exercise. These activities help me to get my mind on something other than my desires.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need…”

(Hebrews 4:15-16)
Not Alone

The most important thing I had to realize was that I wasn’t alone. There are so many other single Christians desiring to live holy. We cannot do it on our own. We must enlist the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit and the help of Godly people. The last time I felt too hot, I reached out to my friends and asked for prayer. I confessed what I was thinking and allowed them to pray with me and for me. Get some praying friends y’all. It makes all the difference. I know it isn’t easy to be single and horny, but you don’t have to do it alone. Learn from my mistakes. Take the time to work on your heart instead of your behavior and God will do the rest.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail.

(James 5:16)

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim.

P.S. Christ’s blood has redeemed me and declared me not guilty. I choose to live in that truth and try not to dwell on my mistakes. I pray that you live in that truth as well.

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Quarantine Dating

Quarantine Dating

Posted on April 20, 2020

Quarantine dating? How can people possibly date during the Quarantine? Aren’t we supposed to socially distance ourselves from one another? Aren’t we supposed to be staying in our homes and away from people? Yes, we most certainly are. But we can still date and here’s how.

Online dating

Since stay-at-home orders are in place, there’s no way to meet people to date other than online dating. It’s still possible to meet someone at the grocery store while wearing your mask and gloves. However, the chances are slim for that to happen. So meet your potential date by logging onto your favorite online dating apps or websites and just poke around. Make a bomb profile with a cute profile picture and swipe. These sites are popping right now. Quality men and women seeking serious relationships and marriage are on those sites. Be sure to use your God-given discernment and the guidance of the Holy Spirit when deciding with whom to converse.

Communication

If you happen to meet someone you like then you can text, call, and video chat. There is no better time to get to know someone on a deeper level than during this quarantine. All non-essential businesses are closed. We have to stay at least 6 feet away from people in public. Nothing is operating normally. All you have is your phone, time, and the Internet. Take all this free time and get to know someone. After all, one of the best ways to learn someone on a deeper level is to talk. Find a comfortable and cute place in your home and talk. Notice things about the background and inquire about them. Take them on a tour of an area that you cherish and explain why it means so much to you. When this quarantine is over, you’ll meet and your connection will be that much deeper.

Reality Check

You may not feel like this is the appropriate time to date. It is completely valid to not want to date during a global pandemic. While you have all this free time, figure out what’s important to you. Pray and ask God what you’re supposed to be doing with this time. God will surely tell you what you’re supposed to do. Filter every decision through Him. If He tells you to continue dating, great! If He tells you to spend more time with Him, even better! Be sure to listen to and obey God. Dating is still possible during the quarantine and it can be fun too!

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Frustrated Woman

Situationship

Posted on January 31, 2020

Transparency moment: I tripped and fell into a full-blown situationship. Now, for those of you who haven’t heard, a situationship is the space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship. In other words, it’s nothing tangible. It doesn’t represent anything. This word was created because that’s the only way to describe it. It’s not a relationship but it’s also not a friendship. It is that in-between stage where feelings are involved but no rules apply. It’s a horrible spot. So, how did I get there?

How I Fell

I finally am free of this whateverness that I dealt with for a year. I was warned, told, and flat out shown that he was not my husband. That feeling in my gut said no, but I ignored the red flags. I thought he could maybe be the one with time. All along I couldn’t commit. In the back of my mind, I wondered if this was for me or if he was for me. God told me long ago I’d marry and I’d know when I met him. So when people told me I was their wife along the way, I knew they were lying. This situationship started differently though, he had me questioning if my intuition was off.

He said and did all the right things until he didn’t. It was gradual. So gradual in fact that I didn’t even notice things were different until all the niceties that drew me in completely stopped. I then realized I operated under the assumption that things would get back to normal. The calls, dates, and hand-holding would resume. They didn’t. I thought the long meaningful conversations would return. They stopped happening altogether. It turned into a situationship.

The Break-Up

I called it out, I said I wanted more and would walk away from this nothingness. He stepped it up for a little while then it turned right back into a complicated situationship. See, I had no real right to demand more because we weren’t in a relationship, but my feelings were definitely involved at that point. So, now I have to break up with someone I’m not even with. How does that work? I tried 3 good times before it stuck. Each time the “break up” didn’t work it was my fault. I would respond to a text or answer a call and it would start all over again. This last time I was determined to let it go. I said my goodbye and blocked him. Hey, sometimes you have to do it. I wholeheartedly believe in the blocked ministry. Not only did I block him on my phone, but on all social media as well. Then I deleted the text thread and his number from my phone.

The End

That last part hurt a little. It was the end of my holding on to something I knew I was supposed to let go of a long time ago. While it hurt, it was also freeing. There was a sweet release in finally being obedient to God. How much better could I have felt if I was obedient immediately? Where would my life be now had I been obedient immediately and followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit as soon as I heard it? I can’t say. All I know now is that God certainly wants what’s best for me. I also know that I’m willing to follow His lead in order to obtain it. I’m worth God’s best. There will not be another situationship in my future. There will only be God’s destiny. His will shall prevail in my life. This time I’m willing to obey.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness!

Kim

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dating slump

Dating Slump

Posted on January 18, 2020

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Lately, I’ve been in a dating slump. I’m tired of the dating process.  Each step takes so much energy and time. It’s an exhausting thing. Let’s break it down.

The Meet-Cute

You know that first time you meet someone whether online or in public? In movies, it’s called a ” meet-cute.” It’s a scene where two people may eventually form a future romantic couple meets for the first time. Usually under humorous or ” cute ” circumstances. That hasn’t necessarily been my experience in real life but let’s roll with it. You meet a guy and you two hit it off. Laughter, flirtatious conversation, and the exchange of telephone numbers commence. Y’all are really feeling each other. You depart and then is the next stage. There’s no real energy exerted during the meet-cute because it’s natural and easy. You’re usually enjoying the moment. Plus, you don’t know this man. There’s no real reason to be stressed.

Getting to Know You

After the meet-cute is the getting to know you stage. At this point is where the dating fatigue usually sets in for me. Here come the same old questions that you always hear. When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite color? etc… Tired of the same old questions I found a list of interesting questions online to shake things up a bit. However, my attempt failed. I found that a lot of men were resistant. I even explained to one man why I ask the questions. Only to get the response “Oh.”

Sir, that’s it? Nothing else? No interesting questions in response? Oh ok, onto the next. Which is why I’m in this dating slump. I’m tired of it. I know I have to power through this, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I desire marriage but this dating thing is for the birds. I’m quickly approaching apathy.

Apathy

I’ m not excited to date at all anymore. The fun has been sucked out by all of the lackluster conversations I’ve had lately. Now, I know I’ m partly to blame. In the beginning, dating was actually fun. I had a good time and enjoyed being out meeting new people. Somewhere along the line, it became a chore. It became a routine song and dance and I fell into the lull of monotony. As my interest waned so did the energy and quality of men I met. It’s a vicious cycle.

People have suggested that when I meet “the one” it will be different, that the dating slump will be over. Maybe I’ll have the same attitude and he’ll be turned off. Or, maybe he’ll see through the apathy and push to be with me. I have no idea. What  I do know is that every time I feel this apathy and frustration with anything in my life, it means that I have been relying on my own strength. In this journey, I started thinking I could do it on my own. Obviously I cannot. My own way has led to exhaustion and frustration. I need to rely on God.

Time with God

This slump extends to more than one area of my life. I feel exhausted, lost, and unenthused. Therefore, I need to spend more time with Him. I literally cannot do this on my own. His wisdom and spirit must guide my every decision; especially who I want to date. I want to date and eventually be married so I have to rely on God to show me who to date.  Fun fact, a long time ago I asked God to hold my heart in His hands and only give it to the man who asked Him for it. Since then, I have snatched my heart back so many times and given it to whoever I deemed worthy. Only consulting God on a few occasions.

It’s finally time to leave my heart in His hands. It’s finally time to leave my entire life in His hands. I’m going to pray and praise my way out of this slump. On the dating front, I’m going to take things a little slowly. I’ll take my time and seek God for real. Honestly, what’s the rush? I’ve already waited this long, might as well keep going and see what’s on the other side of my prayerful obedience.

The Journey

I’m not sure of the specifics, but I know I’ll be married to a wonderful man one day. I’ll tell him about my journey and we’ll laugh together. Then we’ll thank God for bringing us together. It’s all working for my good. Every straight-faced LOL and all of the repetitive questions will help me to get to my destination in God. Through Him, I can renew my mindset and perspective on dating. I’m coming out of this dating slump! I’m coming out of this life slump! I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Thanks for joining me on a journey through singleness.

-Kim

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Lessons Learned

10 Lessons from the Last Decade

Posted on January 4, 2020

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1. I Can Accomplish Anything

I passed the bar on the first attempt. Up until that point, it was one of the most challenging things I had done. It was daunting. My entire career hinged on me passing this one test. But I did it. After 3 years of law school and an entire summer spent studying, I passed the bar. That let me know I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

2. Not to Lean On My Own Understanding

Life doesn’t always go according to the plan I’ve laid out, but God has a better plan. It took me a long time to find a job that I actually wanted to do. I found out very quickly that being an attorney wasn’t it. Honestly, I’m still learning exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, but I know I can’t rely on my own understanding to figure it out. God’s wisdom and revelation helped me when I didn’t know where to go or what to do. It’s always best to lean on Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

3. I Have Permission to Feel Without Being Led by My Emotions

This is something I learned about myself over the years. If something isn’t going my way or I don’t feel like doing it. I quit. I allowed my emotions to rule and lead me. I would quit something in a heartbeat. So, one of the things I want to leave in the last decade is being led by my emotions. It’s ok to feel, but I must remain sober-minded. I have to make decisions based on what God says and not solely on how I feel.

1 Peter 5:8 (ESV) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

4. I Can Love Jesus and Still Go to Therapy

2012-2016 was wild. So many things happened. I ended a 5-year relationship. I lost my confidence and hope. I became confused, distrusting, distant, thought I was unlovable. It was a dark time. I remember my mind be cloudy and thinking it would always be this way. So, I talked to my pastor at the time and he recommended therapy. It was eye-opening. I always thought therapy was for crazy people. I was resistant at first because I was taught all I needed was prayer and Jesus, but I wasn’t given any practical tools to allow Jesus’ transformative power to really work in my life. Therapy gave me those tools. I still use those tools to this day to help me use God’s word to work through life’s issues.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV) We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God…


5. I’m Loved and God Wants What’s Best for Me

 I went through a period where I felt so unloved. I felt incapable of giving or receiving love. God showed me in a dream how much He really loved me. I realized at that point that He loved me since the foundations of the earth and nothing will ever separate His love from me.

Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

6. Prayer Changes Me

The more I pray, the more my heart changes. Where I was once hard, I am now soft. Prayer increases my faith, prepares me for situations, helps me to defeat temptation, and allows me to see God’s power in the life of others. It doesn’t always change the situation, but it certainly changes the way I view a situation. 

Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


7. My Words Have Power

This past decade I started speaking affirmations over myself. I would say them silently, out loud, looking at myself in the mirror. The point is I would say them. The more I said those words, the more I would believe it. At first, I said positive quotes found on Pinterest. Then I incorporated more scripture as I started studying God’s word. The more I spoke God’s word over my life, the more I would see His word manifesting in my life. It’s amazing to see how a day would turn out based on what I said to my self that morning. 

Proverbs 18:21 (KJV) Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

8. Money Management

I got out of consumer debt. It was hard. I had to say no to a lot of trips and outings so I could place myself in a better financial situation. Managing money wisely provides more choices. Now, I can say yes to trips and going out because I know the money is there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not debt-free, but I am closer than I was before. I can actually see the end and I believe this decade I will be able to say I owe no man.

For to him who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.” — Matthew 13:11–12, RSV.

9. My Story is My Story

I spent a lot of time looking at other people and trying to emulate what they did in order to obtain the success they had. It never worked out for me. I have to walk the path God set out for me. My story will be just as beautiful and it will work because it’s what God ordained for me.

Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.


10. Faith With Works is Alive!

I accomplished a lot in the last half of the decade by simply putting a little work behind my faith. I was able to travel, buy a home, and land a great job, all because I believed what God said and was willing to put in the work to see it manifest on this side of heaven. 

James 2:26 (NIV) As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

Online Dating

Online Dating: Why I Went Back

Posted on April 26, 2019


I went back to online dating simply because I wanted to date and it’s the easiest way to meet new people. The real question is why did I stop in the first place?

Broken

To answer that question let’s go all the way back to 2012. I was fresh out of a five-year relationship. I was broken-hearted and crushed. I was too through with men and knew I needed time to heal. So, I intentionally took a three-year break from dating. During those three years, I got to know myself and found God for real. He restored me. Then in 2015, I figured I was ready to get back out into the dating world. So, I joined Plenty of Fish (POF).

Exhausted

During the year of 2015, I dated a lot. I went out with everybody who asked. I had no idea how to date. I was talking to about 7 men at once.  I was constantly texting, going out on dates, and talking on the phone with men. It was popping, but I wasn’t having fun. I couldn’t build anything of substance because there were just too many men. I got tired of surface-level conversations. But what else could there be? I literally had no time to interact with any of them on a deeper level.

I quit dating out of pure frustration and exhaustion. I needed a break to rest. I was so tired. During my rest period, I figured that this wasn’t the right way to date. So, I tightened my dating criteria and decided to get back out there.

Restricted

2016 was the year of three bad dates. I refused to go out with just anyone. I was trying to be smart about dating. I wanted marriage and my past method wouldn’t work. So, I wrote a list of 70+ things that I required for a man to have to date me. Problem is that man doesn’t exist. I put so much pressure on myself to find the perfect man, I developed anxiety. The last date I went on that year was horrible. It was so bad I quit dating for almost 2 years. I gave up hope.

Lonely

In 2017 I went on no dates. I was lonely, frustrated, and confused. I thought dating would help bring me out of a slump. Crazy right? So, I joined POF again.  Of course, I only met some rusty, crusty, dusty dudes. I thought maybe my filters weren’t good enough. I reset them and now it was only old men. I didn’t go out with anyone this time. I was done for real this time. I even wrote a long post about how I was done with online dating. But God had other plans.

In 2018 my word for the year was whole, as in becoming a whole person. I took the time to make sure I was really whole and healed. I still had no plans to date though. I was finally happy and whole. Then, in late 2018, God told me He wanted me to write about dating. How could I do that if I was sitting at home alone all the time?

No More Breaks

In late 2018, I joined multiple datings sites, started dating, and haven’t looked back. There won’t be any more breaks from dating. I don’t put so much pressure on myself to meet my husband anymore. It will happen in God’s timing and I’m okay with that. I decided this time would be fun and it has been. Dating multiple men at once is still how I choose to date. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I love it. I’ve learned my limit is two men at once. Being open and honest up front is the key. I’m going to keep dating and having fun until I meet my husband.

The Difference

Here’s the difference between all my other dating experiences and now; I am in control this time. All of those other times, I let the men dictate and control. I stopped doing what I wanted to accommodate them. Looking back, I thought this was the way to keep a man. Now, I feel this dating path is God-ordained. I know this dating period will result in marriage.

Anxiety and nerves used to take over on dates. Having fun and flirting was so far from my mind. I was so focused on finding my husband, I treated men as objects. Now, I date on my terms. My anxiety has dissipated. Dating can be fun and holy. While I dated multiple men, there’s been no kissing, no hugging, and barely any hand-holding. Full transparency though, I’m only dating one man now and we hug, hold hands, and have the occasional kiss. It’s still on my terms and we still keep it holy.

What Now?

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to trust God and enjoy the process. Online dating isn’t for everybody. God had to change my mindset before it worked for me. I had to let go of a lot of old ideas and be sure of what I wanted before I could date. I pray God gives you that same freedom whether you date online or meet men in real life. I pray you don’t give up as easily as I did either. The journey can be just as rewarding as the destination. As always, thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. Be sure to be let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do!

-Kim

P.S. I only started dating one guy two weeks ago. He’s the same guy that wants to be exclusive. He keeps asking to meet my support system and I kept stalling. I finally invited him to church because that’s the easiest way to meet everyone. I’ll keep you all posted.

Celibacy Blues

Posted on January 26, 2019

I have been abstinent since 2013. I’m abstinent because I believe it pleases God.  Although, that hasn’t always been the case. Until recently, my celibacy journey has been more about me, than about pleasing God. Let me explain.

Feeling Alone

I’m a big believer in having a community of people that are like-minded and can encourage you. I have that community. There are people around me that keep me going and keep me headed in God’s direction when things get tough.

One of the things we encourage each other with is remaining abstinent until marriage.

Lately, however, some of my friends have told me that they aren’t abstinent. Some have even told me that they were never abstinent.

Why are so many people are succumbing to sexual temptation? I felt alone. Am I the only one left not having sex? Who’s left in my circle that can stand with me?

Of course, I know that I’m not alone. I know there are people just like me who want to honor God with their bodies.

This is not a condemnation against anyone having sex. But it did make me reflect on my values as it pertains to sex and why I’m celibate.

Celibacy as a Character Trait

Do I think I’m holier because I don’t have sex? Do I attribute my abstinence to being a good person? Do I want a reward because I’m not having sex?

The answer to all of those questions was a resounding YES!

I waved my abstinence flag around like a badge of honor. I wore it proudly so I could seem better than others. That way I could say I really am a God-fearing woman.

Being celibate is not a character trait. It only means that I have enough discipline to not have sex. It definitely doesn’t make me better than anyone else.

It’s so funny how God works. I went to Him to pray for my friends and their journey, and He ended up revealing my heart issues to me.

The Real Reason

Not only had I esteemed myself as better and, let’s be honest, a little holier, I thought that being celibate would get me what I wanted, i.e., marriage, faster.

I thought to be a “good girl” and to follow all the rules, would somehow convince God that I was worthy of marriage.

What in the world was I thinking?

Looking at the speck in my friend’s eye when I had a beam sticking out of my own eye.

Celibacy is only the outward display of self-control. But where was my heart? Why did I compare myself to others and feel like I should be either ahead or feel like I was behind?

Lessons Learned

My story is my story. Comparing what I’m doing or not doing to anyone else will not help me.

I used to hold out my celibacy like I’m so good. Surely God will reward me. My motives weren’t pure. I was not doing it to please God. It was to please myself.

Problem is, being this so-called good girl still didn’t make men act right. I didn’t get married any faster. It was a persona I put on to control and manipulate.

I thought abstinence would attract a certain type of man. It did attract quality men, but it also attracted men who had my same heart issues.

Genuine people who wanted something real saw right through it.

I also used celibacy to protect my heart. It was my shield. I could hide behind it. I’d blame it for things not working out the way I wanted.

I would use it as a deterrent. I would wave my abstinence flag and say, look at what I’m doing. You aren’t worthy! Be gone!

How could this type of behavior glorify God?

What’s the point in me being celibate if my heart isn’t right or if I don’t embody Christ?

There’s no point in not having sex if I judge people who do. If I look down on others for sinning differently and not being as holy as I pretended to be.

Thank God for deliverance. He showed me who I really am.

A Real Change

A friend recently told me that prayer not only changes things, but it also changes us as we hope and stand on faith.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still strong in my resolve. I don’t intend to have sex until I’m married. I’m also not going to think of myself more highly than I ought to.

God is gracious and patient with us. He’s allowed my faith to grow in Him as I continue to seek Him in prayer. My hope is now in Him instead of my ability to abstain from sex.

Examine your hearts. Are you practicing celibacy because you want to please God, or because you feel like it will get you what you want?

Go to God, He’ll definitely tell you.

Thank you for joining me on my journey as a single in Christ and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do!

Celibacy

Posted on October 20, 2017

Growing up, celibacy was not the standard. I didn’t see anyone practicing abstinence in my world. Sex was just one of those things church people said we shouldn’t do, but everyone did it anyway. I was never taught the importance of remaining pure. I was led to believe that sex was the way to get and keep a man. So, that’s the model I lived by. I just did what I wanted with no thought of the consequences.

I hadn’t realized I was using sex as a substitute for God. The intimacy, closeness, love, and relationship I thought I was getting from sex was all a facade. I was still empty after every encounter. The closeness I felt during sex never lasted, which made me crave that intimacy even more. As a result, I became intimate with more people. I thought that was the way to fill the voids. One fateful night I met this really cute guy at the club and went home with him. Usually, I was able to move on and never think about it again, but for some reason, I felt ashamed. I couldn’t understand why I was so unfulfilled. I remember I slipping out of his bed, into the bathroom, and collapsing on the floor in sobs. God clearly spoke to me and asked me what was I doing. He said sex is never going to fill the voids. Only I can do that. At that moment, I decided to be celibate until marriage. So how do I navigate being single and celibate?

We all have sexual desires.The way to combat this is to focus on God. Pursue holiness. I intentionally honor God with my body. I used to think that celibacy would be a boring way to live but it’s not. The freedom I get from not be a slave to sexual sin is so gratifying. The men and heartache I get to avoid because I’m celibate is relieving. I don’t suppress my sexual desire. I want it to be there. I’m going to need it when I get married. Instead of focusing on my fleshly desires, I choose to focus on being obedient to God. When I focus on God and put Him first, all the other things fall into place. I don’t want sex to keep me from anything God has for me. My body is the living temple of the Holy Spirit. I can’t just have any old thing enter my temple.

Celibacy has been a journey. Through this process, God has revealed a lot about why sex should be reserved for marriage. Sex isn’t just sex. As much as I wanted to believe that I could just move on, my emotions were attached to each partner. I was creating soul ties. Each person I slept with left an indelible mark on my spirit. It’s been a lot of work to be delivered from those ties and to rein in my emotions.  When people are married they are joined as one and sex solidifies that union. They become one in flesh and in spirit. Sex outside of marriage meant my spirit was all over the place, with no unifying direction. I couldn’t be whole physically and spiritually until I got all of the pieces of me back into order in God.

I choose to be celibate to honor God and my future husband. I want my future husband to know that I thought enough of him to wait. I’m celibate because I need to know if the person I’m with really loves me. When sex is in the equation love is often confused with lust. Lust is temporal and fleeting. Love is everlasting, it’s eternal. I need the eternal. An added bonus of being celibate is that I don’t have to worry about diseases or pregnancy. Sex skews things. Sex complicates things.  Living for God simplifies things.

Celibacy isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. We are called to be holy as God is holy. He will give us the strength, power, and grace to get through any situation. He redeems us. There is no need to be ashamed of your past. When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and repent, God removes every sin from you as far as the east is from the west. He makes you new again. There is no need to go back to the old way of life. God has already provided you with everything you need to sustain you in your walk with Christ.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You, God, for your grace and mercy. Fill every void. Steep me deep in Your love. Thank You for giving me the power and the strength I need to live for You. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I look to You, Father for guidance and wisdom in this time. Let me not fall into temptation. Thank You, God, for providing a way of escape for every temptation that comes. I marvel at Your power and might. Help me to be holy as You are holy. Help me to put You first in all things, so the rest can be added unto me.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Ephesians 3:16-19 (NLT)

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.