Category:

Patience

Bible Study

Following Instructions: A Bible Study

Posted on September 14, 2020

A lot of times I wondered how to follow God’s instructions. Following God seems like it should be simple, do what He says and it will be fine. If only it were that simple. Many things can get in the way of doing what God says. Distractions are plentiful. But the first step in following God’s instructions is to ensure we are hearing from God. Let’s look at Proverbs 4:20-27 to guide us.

My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words.

Proverbs 4:20

Hear

We first must turn our ears to His words. His word is scripture. All scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

We can compare all thoughts against the scripture to ensure that we are really hearing from God. If what we heard doesn’t give life and health or train in righteousness, then we can rest assured that it was not God. If what you heard aligns with the scripture then you’re hearing from God. This begs the question, who and what are we listening to? What’s in our hearts?

Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:21-23

Heart

When we listen to His words we can then keep them within our heart. There’s a promise here. Keeping God’s word within our hearts is life and health to our whole body. In Matthew Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. That’s why it’s important to guard our hearts. It’s the key to life and health. Everything we do flows from it. A tree is determined by its fruit. What is the overflow of our heart saying? What fruit is coming out of our mouths?

Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.

Proverbs 4:24-25

Speak and See

When the heart is full of what God says, then the flow will be righteous, good, and full of hope. It will be free from perversity and corrupt talk. Then, you’ll see clearly the straight path. What you say affects what you see. If you speak things of God, you will see and clearly follow things of God. There is power of life and death in the tongue. Those who love its use will eat its fruit. Look around. Can you see life?

What are the people around you saying? Are they speaking the truth? For instance, have you ever turned down the radio so you can see clearly where to go? Or stopped talking in order to concentrate better.  Our mouths can distract us from what we need to see. How do we view ourselves and others? What have our mouths said that will make us view things differently than they are?

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Provers 4:26-27

Walk Righteously

When we see clearly, we can then place our feet firmly on the path God has for us. We will be sure of the way to go and won’t have a need to turn in any direction except towards God. However, it all starts with hearing from God. Our hearing impacts the entire body. If we don’t hear correctly, then it’s a slippery slope to not being on the path God laid out for us. So, let’s take out time and ensure we are hearing from God by studying the scriptures. 

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness

Kim

Last Single Valentine's Day

Sexual Desires

Posted on August 4, 2020

Lately, I’m not sure what’s going on but I have been really hot in the pants. As a single Christian woman, I want to live right but these sexual desires just aren’t going away. So, what am I supposed to do with them? I don’t necessarily want them to go away, but I also don’t want to act on them. Now I’m left with these sexual desires and no way to fulfill them.

Ask God

So, I came to God with all of these emotions and desires and asked Him what to do with them. How can I use these feelings to glorify Him? What can I do to not fall into temptation? For 6 years I suppressed these desires. Church taught me that sex was bad and dirty until marriage. So, I didn’t have sex. To avoid sex, I didn’t interact with men. But I wanted marriage and I was tired of being lonely and frustrated. So, in late 2018 I began dating.

Intimate Relationships

The problem was I never reconciled how to have an intimate relationship with a man without having sex. To remedy this, I set up boundaries. My boundaries included no phone calls, dates, or texts after 10:30 pm. Dates were planned well in advance in public places. Under no circumstance was I to be alone in the dark with a man. As time progressed and I went on more dates, my boundaries started to fade away. I justified breaking my own rules by telling myself I was strong enough to not sin. Plus, I was living with my parents at the time and I thought, what could happen? That was my biggest mistake.

Failing

The second half of 2019 was a mess. I was too prideful and grown for my good. I ended up having sex. There was no way I can date and remain holy without boundaries. I thought I was good and ended up falling. It seemed like I was getting away with it, so I kept going. No one knew and I still accomplished some really good things. Yet, those close to me saw a subtle difference. They knew something was wrong. I knew that life wasn’t sustainable. The wage of sin is death. I allowed my flesh to rule and even though on the surface 2019 was a great year, what I most remember was my failure to live a life that was pleasing to God.

Redeemed

The death wasn’t so visible at first. I was still in church, singing on the praise team, and leading the singles ministry. But I wasn’t praying like I used to. I couldn’t hear God as clearly as before. I’m sure I missed some critical instructions by being disobedient. But I let my flesh win for the better part of a year. By the end of 2019, I was crying out to God for mercy. I settled and compromised and landed in a place far from God. He healed me, forgave me, and delivered me. I have no intentions to go back to that place.

What Now?

Yet, these sexual desires aren’t going away. They are loud and calling out to me almost every day. So again, what am I supposed to do? I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be horny and it doesn’t make me less of a person. It’s not dirty or wrong to have these desires. What is wrong is when I act upon them outside of marriage. God gave me the sexual desires just like He gave me the desire to follow Him. Now that I know nothing is wrong with me, how do I navigate these sexual desires? I contemplated having sex again, but the Holy Spirit quickly convicted me. The next step was to determine if I wanted an orgasm or companionship. Because I’m so used to not having one without the other in romantic relationships, I confused those emotions.

With my boundaries back in place, I started dating and found the companionship I desired, but sometimes that sexual feeling won’t go away. I’m determined to do right by God this time. So, when these feelings become too intense, I pray and tell God about it. Since God gave me these feelings and He knows about it, I talk to Him. Then I do something positive like praise, sing, dance, read, or exercise. These activities help me to get my mind on something other than my desires.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need…”

(Hebrews 4:15-16)
Not Alone

The most important thing I had to realize was that I wasn’t alone. There are so many other single Christians desiring to live holy. We cannot do it on our own. We must enlist the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit and the help of Godly people. The last time I felt too hot, I reached out to my friends and asked for prayer. I confessed what I was thinking and allowed them to pray with me and for me. Get some praying friends y’all. It makes all the difference. I know it isn’t easy to be single and horny, but you don’t have to do it alone. Learn from my mistakes. Take the time to work on your heart instead of your behavior and God will do the rest.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail.

(James 5:16)

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim.

P.S. Christ’s blood has redeemed me and declared me not guilty. I choose to live in that truth and try not to dwell on my mistakes. I pray that you live in that truth as well.

Recommended Resources

The Intimacy Firm

Secret Sin

Black and Christian

Black And Christian

Posted on June 29, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 25:17 — 46.3MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

Ever since the social unrest and racial injustices erupted, I’ve been torn. Where does my allegiance lie? Do I have to choose between my blackness and my God? How can I reconcile being Black and Christian?

Black

Seeing my black brothers and sisters gunned down and murdered in the street grieves my heart. How is this still happening? And why does it seem to happen predominantly to us Black folk? What did we do to deserve this? What can we do to fight this? Something has to change. So,  I prayed to God about what I should do specifically as a Black and Christian woman. 

How can I improve our plight as Black people in America? I’ve called, emailed, protested, and donated, but there must be something else I can do. What is my specific assignment in all of this? How can I continue on as normal, as if this isn’t happening? Black people are facing discrimination and being mistreated simply because of the color of their skin.  A lot of this is being perpetrated by other Christians. These are people who claim to love God and HIs people, yet aren’t showing that Godly love toward their Black sisters and brothers.

Christian

So, how can I reconcile this? Jesus told us to forgive our trespassers. He commands that we turn the other cheek and pray for our enemies. The bible is clear on this. Yet, it’s hard to do. I’m not turning my back on God. God is rooted in me. So, now I have to reconcile forgiving the same people who continue to dismiss my blackness and treat me less than because of it. I am commanded by the God who saved me to forgive the very same people who stole my ancestors from their native land and forced them into chattel slavery. Those same people then terrorized and dehumanized my people for centuries. They have yet to apologize or even admit any wrongdoing and I’m supposed to forgive them.

Jesus, I need your help on this one. You showed so much compassion and love in Your short time on earth. You fed the hungry and broke bread with the oppressed. Give me Your heart on this matter. Help me to see them as You do. Allow me to show the same compassion, love, and grace that You extend to all who know You. Help me to do this even though it may not be reciprocated. Help me to choose You in every circumstance. 

Black and Christian

I can be both unapologetically Black and Christian. There is no choice. I am both at the same time. Both identities are so intertwined in me that there cannot be a separation. I am who God called me to be. I am a Black Christian woman. My hope is still in God. The blood still works. My skin is still black and I will continue fighting for the righteous causes of Black folk. I am confident I will see the goodness of the Lord, here in the land of the living. During these trying times, I believe in a better future, even in the face of racial injustice. God is still working and sits high on the throne. Although this country hasn’t admitted to its crimes, I know that God hears the cries of His people.

So, as Black Christians let’s use the power and authority given to us by God to help heal the land. We are a unique, gifted, and talented people. Let’s use our voices to continue to fight against discrimination and racism. There is still a fight going on and we must be ready to do our part. My part is to forgive as God commanded so that I will no longer harbor any bitterness and anger. It’s time to overcome the hatred with the greatest love the world has ever known. There is no control over whether the other side will reciprocate that love. All I know is we’re going to get through this being Black and Christian. 

Hope

Things are getting better incrementally. I suppose I want God to come down and make everything better now. The Hebrews were in bondage in Egypt for 430 years and were delivered only to wander in the desert for 40 years and still had to fight to get into the promised land and fight once they got there. So, it will be a process, and even if I don’t live to see the total liberation and deliverance of my black people I know that God is faithful and it’s coming. So, I rejoice to know that adversity will produce character, faith, and hope.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9: We are hard-pressed on all sides, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. 

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Check Out: Am I Who I Post to Be?

Dating Grace

Dating Grace

Posted on May 11, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 21:30 — 39.4MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

It’s been less than 2 years since I’ve committed to seriously dating, so I’m giving myself dating grace. What does dating grace mean? In this context, it means having compassion and room to learn and grow without condemnation. Instead of putting pressure on myself to have the perfect dating life, I decided to celebrate where and I am and the progress I’ve made so far.

Where I Started

I took a break from dating for 6 years. So, when I decided to finally jump back into the dating arena I was super rusty. I was so nervous I couldn’t look a man in the eye. I turned and walked in the opposite direction when I saw an attractive man. Needless to say, but I was trash at dating. To overcome my nervousness, I intentionally smiled at every man I saw. Once I conquered looking at men, I had to start speaking to them.

See, I had a mumble mouth when it came to men. I stuttered and stumbled on words so much that I abandoned conversation altogether. Since my conversational skills were lacking, I came up with date questions so that the conversation could flow. If I got nervous, I asked a question. It took time to keep a conversation flowing. As a result, I would never get beyond a first date.  Yet, I persisted despite the rejection.

Rejection

As my confidence, conversational, and flirtation skills improved I got asked out again. While I saw this as a major accomplishment, I still feared rejection. Let’s be real, rejection is not a fun part of life. People tell you no all the time. Since most of my dating interactions ended after the first date, I learned to accept rejection for what it is and what it isn’t. I learned that rejection isn’t necessarily a reflection of me. It’s just a part of the process. Not only will I deal with rejection, but I will also be the one rejecting others. 

This was an uncomfortable emotion for me. I still tend to avoid things and people for fear of rejection. However, I decided to move forward despite the fear.  Although rejection is a real possibility, I won’t let it stop me anymore. 

Where I Am Now

I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to conquer fear and learn new skills to improve my dating life. These skills help me in other areas as well. Appreciating where I am, even though I’m not where I want to be, is something I don’t do often enough. I usually beat myself up for not being farther along. My mind plays out every past mistake and wrong turn. Weirdly, dating helped me receive the grace that God offers so freely. It’s allowed me to see that my past doesn’t define me. I don’t live under condemnation. So, now it’s time to extend the same grace to me. 

At the End of the Day

Progress is better than perfection. I’m taking life one intentional step at a time. The lessons I learned extend beyond dating to life in general. I’m trusting God more and more with each step. Accepting His will for my life isn’t easy. I love having control, but surrendering to Him is the best decision I ever made. I’m excited about the future He has for me. While I’m happy with the progress I’ve made so far, I have no updates in the dating world. Although there aren’t any updates, God’s promises are still yes and amen. I’m holding tight to that.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources

Quarantine Dating

A right relationship

A Right Relationship

Posted on April 27, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 25:37 — 46.9MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

A friend recently asked me what is my goal as a Christian? The first thing that popped into my mind was a right relationship with God. But what does that look like for me? How can I have a relationship with God and not the same old traditional religion I’m used to?

Religion

For a long time, I thought the key to having the right relationship with God was to put a lot of effort into my works. I committed myself to the works of the church but never developed a real relationship with God beyond that. In retrospect, that’s legalistic and religious. God doesn’t desire me to be a performance Christian. He desires my heart and mind. He wants me not my behavior.

But, I decided that to be a good Christian all I needed to do was churchy things. I regularly went to church, tithed, and did other church work. However, my spirit yearned for more. Doing all the churchy things wasn’t enough. I wanted His presence to be with me every day, not only Sunday. Shouting and being filled with the Holy Spirit in a church is great, but I want to experience His spirit always. I want to dwell in His presence forever.

Relationship

To develop a true relationship with God I am changing my mindset and evaluating myself. A personal relationship with God requires that I spend time and communicate with Him. I must also see myself as He sees me.  Part of the reason why I didn’t experience the relationship I wanted is that I didn’t believe I deserved it. I didn’t believe what God said about me. Now I know that I am the daughter of the King. I am forgiven. I’m rescued and redeemed. I’m clean and in right standing with God. 

Yet, I still struggle with believing His promises are for me.  I pray and study His word, but there is still doubt. So, I put together plans and steps to obtain the desires of my heart. I let God in a little but retained some control by sticking steadfastly to my plan. I tried to put work behind my faith without fully surrendering my heart to God. He’ll place the desires in my heart, but first I have to give him my heart. To wholly surrender I must first believe. It’s impossible to please God without faith. 

Belief

The thing is, I want to believe. There’s no problem with me believing God for other people. I will pray and speak life over others and see God move in their life just like I knew He would. However, I know in my head He’ll come through for me, but I make a backup plan just in case. God, I want to let go and trust you fully, but I don’t know the way. So, I pray and consume the things of God. I put so much of Him and His word in me that there will be no room for doubt or unbelief. 

Reality Check

I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I’ve been known to overthink and complicate simple matters. My relationship with God means so much to me and I want a relationship with Him. I want to be with Him on earth and in heaven. Thankfully, my faith is getting stronger every day. He’s given me the desire to pursue Him and spend more time with Him. I give Him every thought that doesn’t line up with His word. This is only the beginning. I’m grateful that He’s still calling my name and I’m willing to obey.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources

Corona Chronicles

Corona Chronicles

Corona Chronicles

Posted on April 8, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 21:37 — 39.6MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

This hasn’t been an easy time for most of us. The media is pushing the narrative that we should be afraid and worried. While there is cause for concern, my attitude at the outbreak of the pandemic was decidedly positive. I was confident that God would see me and everyone connected to me safely through it. Then, I lost my job. 

The First Blow

That was the first blow. The economy is up and down due to That Rona. Now is no time to be without a job. Thankfully, I saw it coming and was able to obtain another job the following Monday. While the downturn in the economy and the job market has been detrimental to many, God allowed me to keep working. So while it looked down for a little, I still trusted God to see me through and He did exactly that. Then, my parents fell ill.

The Second Blow

Around the time I started my new job, my parents fell ill with what they thought was the flu. My mom told us not to come over because they were sick. With everything going on with That Rona, my sister and I suggested they go get tested for it just to rule it out. They were adamant that they didn’t have it. Yet, their illnesses worsened. My mom said it felt like the worse flu she’s ever had. My dad wasn’t talking because he was so short of breath. After a couple of days, my mom started getting better, but my dad didn’t. His breathing worsened.

Coronavirus

One night, my mom noticed that he was too weak and breathing too shallowly. She took him to the ER and he was admitted at once. 12 hours later he was diagnosed with COVID-19.  He was taken to ICU and put on a ventilator because he was too weak to breathe on his own. My mom was diagnosed with COVID-19 the next day. I thank God that they were in the position to go to a doctor and be diagnosed. My mom was told to quarantine herself at home for two weeks since her symptoms didn’t require hospitalization. 

Praying Friends

The next two weeks were so scary. The details of That Rona are so unknown, even now. There are conflicting reports of what we should do, what we should wear, even what the symptoms are. The only thing I did know is that God would see me through this. However, I didn’t know what to pray. I had no words. I had never felt this way before. This was unchartered territory for me. My heart kept telling me to pray and the only thing I could muster was God, help! So I did the only thing I knew to do, I reached out to people to pray for me. They prayed hard and fervently and carried me and my family to the throne of grace day after day until my father came home well. God is performing miracles during the Coronavirus pandemic.

God is Good

I’m so grateful that my story ended well, many people don’t have that privilege. I’m well aware of the part that God’s grace and mercy played in the story of my family. Although That Rona is still out there causing devastation and keeping us away from one another, I’ve seen God do so many miraculous things in such a short time. He’s a healer, He’s a promise keeper, He’s a waymaker, and He hears our prayers. The fervent and effectual prayers of the righteous still avail much. God is still performing miracles during the Coronavirus pandemic. Keep praying y’all. If you can’t pray, pray His word and reach out to people to pray for you. Love y’all and stay safe out there!

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim.

Recommended Resources

www.singleinchrist.org

www.gotquestions.org

Dear Lost Me

Dear Lost Me

Posted on March 2, 2020

The following is a letter I wrote to myself during a very dark and confusing time. I was fresh out of a 5-year relationship and my heart was utterly destroyed. I felt hopeless and unworthy. So, I wrote this letter to remind myself of who I am, and whose I am. This letter serves as a testament to God’s redeeming love.  If you ever happen to find yourself in a place of despair, cry out to Jesus. Go to His Word and remind yourself of His promises. He will never leave you nor forsake you. At the end of this letter is a short prayer and scripture that I encourage you to read aloud and declare over yourself. Remember that you are always loved!

Dear Lost Me,

You are a true treasure. Fearfully and wonderfully made by the one true God Almighty. You are beautiful and deserve to be loved. Do not compromise yourself. You are worthy of the love of Christ. Do not lower your standards for the benefit of anyone. If someone doesn’t value you as you are, respect yourself enough to remove yourself from that situation. Be afraid no longer! Confidence looks beautiful on you. Confidence in who you are as a person and in Christ will allow you to not worry about other people.  God chose you specifically for the purpose He set out for you. If the Creator of the universe allowed His only Son to die just to prove His love for you, how could you not be deserving of the love of mere men?

Love Yourself

Let me be clear, the love of a human will never complete you. Please learn to love yourself completely. You are a loving, wonderful, and beautiful person. You can only become complete through total surrender to God. Completely shed your old self and put on your new self. Yes, you’ve made mistakes and you’re not perfect, but your past no longer defines you. You are now saved and redeemed. Lift your eyes to the hills. Where does your help come from? It comes from the Lord who is mighty. The Lord is strong and mighty in battle. So don’t worry about the future. God has already provided. His promises are yes and amen when you are obedient to His will. Please don’t give up. I know it’s not easy, but you have to push, you must persevere. You deserve to live a happy life. This kind of happiness will not come from a job or any other human on this earth.

Happiness

This kind of happiness comes from God. It only comes by seeking out His purpose for your life and fulfilling it. Fear will come, but don’t be concerned with that. God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound judgment. You have overcome so much. Do not let fear, confusion, or other people’s opinions hinder your God-given purpose. You are led by the living Holy Spirit. Trust Him. The Holy Spirit will guide you in the right direction. I love you so much. You are uniquely designed to endure. He has put a special anointing on your life. Do not ignore it and do not be distracted from it. Not only will you survive, but you will also prosper according to His riches in glory.

God’s Promises

You may not know the future, but you know God’s promises. It’s amazing to discover just how much God really loves you. Now you realize the kind of love you deserve. You deserve someone who handles you delicately and treasures your heart, mind, and soul. Someone who will put you above all except God. Someone who will help you in holiness and will be led by the Holy Spirit. The love of your life will not make you feel less than because you will not allow it. They will remind you of His love daily. God is showing you how to love and be vulnerable. Allowing people into your heart is not the easiest thing to do. It has been broken, shattered, and disrespected. You’ve allowed God in and let Him heal your brokenness. He’s the ultimate potter and put it back together without a single piece missing.

Trust God

Now that he’s holding your fragile heart in His hands, trust Him with it. Grant Him full access to every dark, confused, distrusting, and broken area. Allow Him to give you peace from the broken pieces. This is a challenging process, but all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Let God erase all of the deceit and suspicion of past hurts and fill you with His goodness and kindness. You are already in His hands, give Him room to be your protector and vindicator. His faithful love endures from generation to generation. Remind yourself of His faithfulness every day. It will all be worth it. God promised it would be, and it is so. Love is in you, and so is God. Let your light shine to the world.  Keep growing, keep loving. There’s still work to do.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I know You’re preparing me for the next level in You while in this season of singleness. Help me to focus on You and Your Word. Help me to receive everything You have for me. I want to listen and not become distracted. Thank You, God, for just being God all by yourself. I thank You, God, for showing me your love in real and tangible ways. Thank You for instilling confidence within me and guarding my heart; allowing me to dwell in the shadow of the Most High.  I will relentlessly pursue you and your will for my life. Help me to be steadfast, diligent, patient, obedient, and disciplined in You, Father. Thank You, God, for revelation through your Holy Spirit. I desire to please only You, God. 

In Jesus’ name. 
Amen. 

Joshua 1:9 English Standard Version (ESV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Recommended Resources

Time4Her

A Plan

Last Single Valentine's Day

A Plan

Posted on February 17, 2020

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you are single, (like me) let’s make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day.

Plan for Companionship

Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

Pray and Wait?

So, I know there is a lot of wisdom and Christian teachers out there who preach pray and wait, but I’m not so sure that’s the best model. Every other major decision gets weighed and poked and prodded, but the decision on who to marry is the only one where we throw our hands up and let God do all the work. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying leave God out of the equation. We must be led by the Holy Spirit in everything we do. However, put as much time and effort into attracting a quality man as you do studying for a test or preparing for an interview.

Ok, so a test and a job interview aren’t necessarily the best correlations to marriage. But what is the best correlation? In what other institution will two become one? What else did God design to not only advance His kingdom but also to populate the earth? Shouldn’t the time and energy we use to prepare for a forever marriage at least equal the time devoted things that will last a few years at most?

Mindset

Let’s start with the first question. What is your mindset? Do you believe there is a Godly man that desires marriage and is willing to marry you? You have to believe a thing in order to see it. You have to have faith that God will do what He said. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. What are you hoping for? Where is your hope found? I cannot answer these questions for you, but you certainly can.

This will be a process. We are called to transform by the renewing of our minds. It’s time to transform and renew. It’s time to shift your mindset. This may require letting go of some old thinking patterns. This may require a new friend group that encourages you and believes what you do. Changing your mindset is not easy. This may be one of the most challenging steps, but that’s why it’s first. Your mindset will set the tone for your entire existence, not just about dating and marriage.

Who are You?

Changing your mindset will naturally lead to the next question, who are you as a person? I’m not asking what have you accomplished in your life? Do not list your titles and accolades. I’m talking about the person under all of that. Are you kind? Encouraging? Supportive? Are you the type of person you would want in your life? The life of your child? Self-assess and correct. Make sure you have what you’re asking for.

Now, I’m not telling you to condemn yourself. Self-assessment doesn’t have anything to do with thinking negatively about yourself. You are a child of The Most High. You are still valuable and precious in His sight. See yourself as He sees you.  Begin to think about yourself in the same way that He thinks of you. Look at yourself in the same light as God. This way you won’t accept anything less than God’s best because you’ll see that’s exactly what you are too.

Calling

Being who God called you to be will inevitably attract the type of man you want to be with. I believe with all my heart that walking confidently in God’s will is going to lead to the man your heart desires. No more Ishmaels, only Isaacs from here on out. That’s God’s promise. God’s word accomplishes exactly what it was sent to do. The only question is do you believe it? How can God do what He needs to do if you not believe He will do it? It’s impossible to please God without faith. So, in faith make a plan to get that man. Don’t use waiting on God as an excuse to sit still and do nothing. 

My Plan

Your plan should include God in every aspect. What goals do you have? What measurable action steps are you taking? I’m not one to share something and not do it, so here’s a snippet of my marriage plan.

  1. Specific Goal: Marriage
  2. Measurable: 
    1. Two dates per month 
    2. Speak to and converse with at least 3 new men per week
    3. Pray/journal for my husband every day
  3. Attainable: I take public transit to and from work and I am on at least 2 dating apps. I can attain the goal of speaking to and conversing with 3 new men per week.
  4. Realistic: I will have to push myself out of my comfort zone to get this, but it will be done.
  5. Timebound: Marriage by 36 years old

There are a lot more details in my plan, but I want to give you an idea to let you know you are not alone. I’m working on my mindset and seeing myself as God sees me. I pray and ask God to help me walk more confidently in my calling so that I can be prepared for everything that He has for me. I read and listen to His word so that my faith may increase. Life isn’t all about getting a man. I’m still pursuing other goals in God with the same vigor and specificity. This plan is the work I’m putting behind my faith for marriage. A plan will work in other areas of our lives too.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. We got through this one just like we have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine our self-worth or our value as women. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day or on any day does not diminish anything about us. We are still strong, loving, and amazing women. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything! 

Recommended Resources

www.singleinchrist.org/dating-slump

Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Frustrated Woman

Situationship

Posted on January 31, 2020

Transparency moment: I tripped and fell into a full-blown situationship. Now, for those of you who haven’t heard, a situationship is the space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship. In other words, it’s nothing tangible. It doesn’t represent anything. This word was created because that’s the only way to describe it. It’s not a relationship but it’s also not a friendship. It is that in-between stage where feelings are involved but no rules apply. It’s a horrible spot. So, how did I get there?

How I Fell

I finally am free of this whateverness that I dealt with for a year. I was warned, told, and flat out shown that he was not my husband. That feeling in my gut said no, but I ignored the red flags. I thought he could maybe be the one with time. All along I couldn’t commit. In the back of my mind, I wondered if this was for me or if he was for me. God told me long ago I’d marry and I’d know when I met him. So when people told me I was their wife along the way, I knew they were lying. This situationship started differently though, he had me questioning if my intuition was off.

He said and did all the right things until he didn’t. It was gradual. So gradual in fact that I didn’t even notice things were different until all the niceties that drew me in completely stopped. I then realized I operated under the assumption that things would get back to normal. The calls, dates, and hand-holding would resume. They didn’t. I thought the long meaningful conversations would return. They stopped happening altogether. It turned into a situationship.

The Break-Up

I called it out, I said I wanted more and would walk away from this nothingness. He stepped it up for a little while then it turned right back into a complicated situationship. See, I had no real right to demand more because we weren’t in a relationship, but my feelings were definitely involved at that point. So, now I have to break up with someone I’m not even with. How does that work? I tried 3 good times before it stuck. Each time the “break up” didn’t work it was my fault. I would respond to a text or answer a call and it would start all over again. This last time I was determined to let it go. I said my goodbye and blocked him. Hey, sometimes you have to do it. I wholeheartedly believe in the blocked ministry. Not only did I block him on my phone, but on all social media as well. Then I deleted the text thread and his number from my phone.

The End

That last part hurt a little. It was the end of my holding on to something I knew I was supposed to let go of a long time ago. While it hurt, it was also freeing. There was a sweet release in finally being obedient to God. How much better could I have felt if I was obedient immediately? Where would my life be now had I been obedient immediately and followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit as soon as I heard it? I can’t say. All I know now is that God certainly wants what’s best for me. I also know that I’m willing to follow His lead in order to obtain it. I’m worth God’s best. There will not be another situationship in my future. There will only be God’s destiny. His will shall prevail in my life. This time I’m willing to obey.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness!

Kim

Recommended Resources

Dating and Courting

Singleness

dating slump

Dating Slump

Posted on January 18, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 17:16 — 31.6MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

Lately, I’ve been in a dating slump. I’m tired of the dating process.  Each step takes so much energy and time. It’s an exhausting thing. Let’s break it down.

The Meet-Cute

You know that first time you meet someone whether online or in public? In movies, it’s called a ” meet-cute.” It’s a scene where two people may eventually form a future romantic couple meets for the first time. Usually under humorous or ” cute ” circumstances. That hasn’t necessarily been my experience in real life but let’s roll with it. You meet a guy and you two hit it off. Laughter, flirtatious conversation, and the exchange of telephone numbers commence. Y’all are really feeling each other. You depart and then is the next stage. There’s no real energy exerted during the meet-cute because it’s natural and easy. You’re usually enjoying the moment. Plus, you don’t know this man. There’s no real reason to be stressed.

Getting to Know You

After the meet-cute is the getting to know you stage. At this point is where the dating fatigue usually sets in for me. Here come the same old questions that you always hear. When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite color? etc… Tired of the same old questions I found a list of interesting questions online to shake things up a bit. However, my attempt failed. I found that a lot of men were resistant. I even explained to one man why I ask the questions. Only to get the response “Oh.”

Sir, that’s it? Nothing else? No interesting questions in response? Oh ok, onto the next. Which is why I’m in this dating slump. I’m tired of it. I know I have to power through this, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I desire marriage but this dating thing is for the birds. I’m quickly approaching apathy.

Apathy

I’ m not excited to date at all anymore. The fun has been sucked out by all of the lackluster conversations I’ve had lately. Now, I know I’ m partly to blame. In the beginning, dating was actually fun. I had a good time and enjoyed being out meeting new people. Somewhere along the line, it became a chore. It became a routine song and dance and I fell into the lull of monotony. As my interest waned so did the energy and quality of men I met. It’s a vicious cycle.

People have suggested that when I meet “the one” it will be different, that the dating slump will be over. Maybe I’ll have the same attitude and he’ll be turned off. Or, maybe he’ll see through the apathy and push to be with me. I have no idea. What  I do know is that every time I feel this apathy and frustration with anything in my life, it means that I have been relying on my own strength. In this journey, I started thinking I could do it on my own. Obviously I cannot. My own way has led to exhaustion and frustration. I need to rely on God.

Time with God

This slump extends to more than one area of my life. I feel exhausted, lost, and unenthused. Therefore, I need to spend more time with Him. I literally cannot do this on my own. His wisdom and spirit must guide my every decision; especially who I want to date. I want to date and eventually be married so I have to rely on God to show me who to date.  Fun fact, a long time ago I asked God to hold my heart in His hands and only give it to the man who asked Him for it. Since then, I have snatched my heart back so many times and given it to whoever I deemed worthy. Only consulting God on a few occasions.

It’s finally time to leave my heart in His hands. It’s finally time to leave my entire life in His hands. I’m going to pray and praise my way out of this slump. On the dating front, I’m going to take things a little slowly. I’ll take my time and seek God for real. Honestly, what’s the rush? I’ve already waited this long, might as well keep going and see what’s on the other side of my prayerful obedience.

The Journey

I’m not sure of the specifics, but I know I’ll be married to a wonderful man one day. I’ll tell him about my journey and we’ll laugh together. Then we’ll thank God for bringing us together. It’s all working for my good. Every straight-faced LOL and all of the repetitive questions will help me to get to my destination in God. Through Him, I can renew my mindset and perspective on dating. I’m coming out of this dating slump! I’m coming out of this life slump! I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Thanks for joining me on a journey through singleness.

-Kim

We also recommend:

Vulnerable