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marriage

single after 30

Single After 30

Posted on July 18, 2020

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So, you’re single after 30 and still not married. You may be feeling societal or familial pressure at this point. Or you may hear your biological clock ticking louder and louder as the days go by. If you’re like me, you’re probably tired of the ever-ubiquitous questions regarding your dating life.  I know it’s tiring and frustrating. So let me ask you a question.

How Are You?

How are you doing? It’s okay to admit how you are feeling about being single. Also, take the time to examine why you’re feeling that way. Make sure your feelings are not from any outside pressure. Your feelings should reflect on what you desire. Are you enjoying the single life? The season of singleness is the perfect opportunity to live out what God has called you to do. Now is the time to have fun and become the person you are supposed to be. There is no need to wait for a relationship to begin living.

Your life should be full outside of a relationship. If you are unhappy, there is still time to change it.  The journey is just as rewarding as the destination. This is also a time to examine if you want marriage. The truth is, not all of God’s children will get married. It’s also okay to desire marriage. But wallowing in self-pity or replaying past love stories isn’t the way to get there. Begin enjoying your life. What are you waiting for?

Past Relationships

Do you ever find yourself thinking about past relationships and playing the what-if game? If I had only done this, or if he had done that I would be married by now. That’s a dangerous game to play because unless it was a horrific abuse-filled relationship, we tend to romanticize the past a bit. The past is the past for a reason. Honestly, is there anyone in your past that would have said yes to? If so, why aren’t you all together now?

Something happened to cause the relationship to end. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was you. Did either of you have the emotional maturity or communication skills to sustain the relationship until now? There is nothing wrong with looking in the past to get a reference for how far you’ve come or to look at the lessons learned. However, don’t live there. If there isn’t anyone who you would have said yes to, forge ahead. Either way, the best is yet to come. 

Continue Working on Yourself

By working on yourself I don’t mean strive for perfection. Perfection is not a requirement in this life. It’s also not a requirement for marriage. If it was, no one would be married. Reject the notion of perfection and embrace excellence. Become the best you possible. If that means getting out of debt or living a healthier lifestyle, do it. Operating in a spirit of excellence doesn’t require a partner. You can do it while still single.

You’ll be doing this even after marriage so go ahead and get into the practice of examining your mindset and life. Some areas may need work, others may not. Continue to work on your communication skills. Start the business you always wanted. Become proud of who you are and the life you’re living. If you desire marriage, this will only make you more attractive to your potential mate.

Who are You Attracting?

We all have a type.  A preference for the type of person we want to date and eventually marry. That type isn’t necessarily who we are attracting. I don’t believe you attract who you are. We attract all types of people. It’s up to us to use our God-given discernment and wisdom to determine who to say yes to. The better question is who are you saying yes to? There is no obligation to enter into a relationship with any person that approaches. Test the spirit by the spirit. Only say yes to those people who God says yes to also.

In truth, the people we enter into relationship with are a reflection of us. Why would you enter into any type of relationship with a dusty crusty person? Once their character is revealed, say no and move on. Saying yes to a person shows how much or how little you value yourself and your goals. This applies to every relationship, not just romantic ones.

Mindset

Saying yes to the right people might mean you need to change your mindset. Who do you believe you are? What do you think you’re worthy of? Do you even believe you can attract the person you want? Renew your mind in Christ daily. Changing your mindset my not stop certain people from approaching, but it will make you stop saying yes to people who do not fit your destiny.

Once you believe you can do something, all of a sudden that thing becomes possible. Changing the way, you think about yourself and what you deserve will impact every area of your life. You’ll begin to see life differently and start living worthily of the calling God has placed upon you.

Redefine Success

All too often we’re taught that a successful relationship ends in marriage. What if we change that narrative? Why do we always center marriage as the only way a relationship is successful? Although dating a person may not ultimately work out, there are so many valuable lessons to learn along the way. Each lesson learned is a success. Nothing is a waste of time. Success doesn’t have to look like a married couple in a mansion. It can also look like a single woman living debt-free. It can be whatever you make it.

Singleness is a time to explore and learn more about yourself. Live as much as possible. Pursue God and you’ll find happiness in Him. Being single doesn’t mean that you are alone. Celebrate friends and family just as much as you celebrate being in a romantic relationship. Having a well-rounded life that doesn’t revolve around anything other than God is what success looks like to me.

Thanks for joining me on the journey through singleness,

Kim

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Quarantine Dating

Quarantine Dating

Posted on April 20, 2020

Quarantine dating? How can people possibly date during the Quarantine? Aren’t we supposed to socially distance ourselves from one another? Aren’t we supposed to be staying in our homes and away from people? Yes, we most certainly are. But we can still date and here’s how.

Online dating

Since stay-at-home orders are in place, there’s no way to meet people to date other than online dating. It’s still possible to meet someone at the grocery store while wearing your mask and gloves. However, the chances are slim for that to happen. So meet your potential date by logging onto your favorite online dating apps or websites and just poke around. Make a bomb profile with a cute profile picture and swipe. These sites are popping right now. Quality men and women seeking serious relationships and marriage are on those sites. Be sure to use your God-given discernment and the guidance of the Holy Spirit when deciding with whom to converse.

Communication

If you happen to meet someone you like then you can text, call, and video chat. There is no better time to get to know someone on a deeper level than during this quarantine. All non-essential businesses are closed. We have to stay at least 6 feet away from people in public. Nothing is operating normally. All you have is your phone, time, and the Internet. Take all this free time and get to know someone. After all, one of the best ways to learn someone on a deeper level is to talk. Find a comfortable and cute place in your home and talk. Notice things about the background and inquire about them. Take them on a tour of an area that you cherish and explain why it means so much to you. When this quarantine is over, you’ll meet and your connection will be that much deeper.

Reality Check

You may not feel like this is the appropriate time to date. It is completely valid to not want to date during a global pandemic. While you have all this free time, figure out what’s important to you. Pray and ask God what you’re supposed to be doing with this time. God will surely tell you what you’re supposed to do. Filter every decision through Him. If He tells you to continue dating, great! If He tells you to spend more time with Him, even better! Be sure to listen to and obey God. Dating is still possible during the quarantine and it can be fun too!

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Dear Lost Me

Dear Lost Me

Posted on March 2, 2020

The following is a letter I wrote to myself during a very dark and confusing time. I was fresh out of a 5-year relationship and my heart was utterly destroyed. I felt hopeless and unworthy. So, I wrote this letter to remind myself of who I am, and whose I am. This letter serves as a testament to God’s redeeming love.  If you ever happen to find yourself in a place of despair, cry out to Jesus. Go to His Word and remind yourself of His promises. He will never leave you nor forsake you. At the end of this letter is a short prayer and scripture that I encourage you to read aloud and declare over yourself. Remember that you are always loved!

Dear Lost Me,

You are a true treasure. Fearfully and wonderfully made by the one true God Almighty. You are beautiful and deserve to be loved. Do not compromise yourself. You are worthy of the love of Christ. Do not lower your standards for the benefit of anyone. If someone doesn’t value you as you are, respect yourself enough to remove yourself from that situation. Be afraid no longer! Confidence looks beautiful on you. Confidence in who you are as a person and in Christ will allow you to not worry about other people.  God chose you specifically for the purpose He set out for you. If the Creator of the universe allowed His only Son to die just to prove His love for you, how could you not be deserving of the love of mere men?

Love Yourself

Let me be clear, the love of a human will never complete you. Please learn to love yourself completely. You are a loving, wonderful, and beautiful person. You can only become complete through total surrender to God. Completely shed your old self and put on your new self. Yes, you’ve made mistakes and you’re not perfect, but your past no longer defines you. You are now saved and redeemed. Lift your eyes to the hills. Where does your help come from? It comes from the Lord who is mighty. The Lord is strong and mighty in battle. So don’t worry about the future. God has already provided. His promises are yes and amen when you are obedient to His will. Please don’t give up. I know it’s not easy, but you have to push, you must persevere. You deserve to live a happy life. This kind of happiness will not come from a job or any other human on this earth.

Happiness

This kind of happiness comes from God. It only comes by seeking out His purpose for your life and fulfilling it. Fear will come, but don’t be concerned with that. God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound judgment. You have overcome so much. Do not let fear, confusion, or other people’s opinions hinder your God-given purpose. You are led by the living Holy Spirit. Trust Him. The Holy Spirit will guide you in the right direction. I love you so much. You are uniquely designed to endure. He has put a special anointing on your life. Do not ignore it and do not be distracted from it. Not only will you survive, but you will also prosper according to His riches in glory.

God’s Promises

You may not know the future, but you know God’s promises. It’s amazing to discover just how much God really loves you. Now you realize the kind of love you deserve. You deserve someone who handles you delicately and treasures your heart, mind, and soul. Someone who will put you above all except God. Someone who will help you in holiness and will be led by the Holy Spirit. The love of your life will not make you feel less than because you will not allow it. They will remind you of His love daily. God is showing you how to love and be vulnerable. Allowing people into your heart is not the easiest thing to do. It has been broken, shattered, and disrespected. You’ve allowed God in and let Him heal your brokenness. He’s the ultimate potter and put it back together without a single piece missing.

Trust God

Now that he’s holding your fragile heart in His hands, trust Him with it. Grant Him full access to every dark, confused, distrusting, and broken area. Allow Him to give you peace from the broken pieces. This is a challenging process, but all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Let God erase all of the deceit and suspicion of past hurts and fill you with His goodness and kindness. You are already in His hands, give Him room to be your protector and vindicator. His faithful love endures from generation to generation. Remind yourself of His faithfulness every day. It will all be worth it. God promised it would be, and it is so. Love is in you, and so is God. Let your light shine to the world.  Keep growing, keep loving. There’s still work to do.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I know You’re preparing me for the next level in You while in this season of singleness. Help me to focus on You and Your Word. Help me to receive everything You have for me. I want to listen and not become distracted. Thank You, God, for just being God all by yourself. I thank You, God, for showing me your love in real and tangible ways. Thank You for instilling confidence within me and guarding my heart; allowing me to dwell in the shadow of the Most High.  I will relentlessly pursue you and your will for my life. Help me to be steadfast, diligent, patient, obedient, and disciplined in You, Father. Thank You, God, for revelation through your Holy Spirit. I desire to please only You, God. 

In Jesus’ name. 
Amen. 

Joshua 1:9 English Standard Version (ESV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

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A Plan

Last Single Valentine's Day

A Plan

Posted on February 17, 2020

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you are single, (like me) let’s make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day.

Plan for Companionship

Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

Pray and Wait?

So, I know there is a lot of wisdom and Christian teachers out there who preach pray and wait, but I’m not so sure that’s the best model. Every other major decision gets weighed and poked and prodded, but the decision on who to marry is the only one where we throw our hands up and let God do all the work. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying leave God out of the equation. We must be led by the Holy Spirit in everything we do. However, put as much time and effort into attracting a quality man as you do studying for a test or preparing for an interview.

Ok, so a test and a job interview aren’t necessarily the best correlations to marriage. But what is the best correlation? In what other institution will two become one? What else did God design to not only advance His kingdom but also to populate the earth? Shouldn’t the time and energy we use to prepare for a forever marriage at least equal the time devoted things that will last a few years at most?

Mindset

Let’s start with the first question. What is your mindset? Do you believe there is a Godly man that desires marriage and is willing to marry you? You have to believe a thing in order to see it. You have to have faith that God will do what He said. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. What are you hoping for? Where is your hope found? I cannot answer these questions for you, but you certainly can.

This will be a process. We are called to transform by the renewing of our minds. It’s time to transform and renew. It’s time to shift your mindset. This may require letting go of some old thinking patterns. This may require a new friend group that encourages you and believes what you do. Changing your mindset is not easy. This may be one of the most challenging steps, but that’s why it’s first. Your mindset will set the tone for your entire existence, not just about dating and marriage.

Who are You?

Changing your mindset will naturally lead to the next question, who are you as a person? I’m not asking what have you accomplished in your life? Do not list your titles and accolades. I’m talking about the person under all of that. Are you kind? Encouraging? Supportive? Are you the type of person you would want in your life? The life of your child? Self-assess and correct. Make sure you have what you’re asking for.

Now, I’m not telling you to condemn yourself. Self-assessment doesn’t have anything to do with thinking negatively about yourself. You are a child of The Most High. You are still valuable and precious in His sight. See yourself as He sees you.  Begin to think about yourself in the same way that He thinks of you. Look at yourself in the same light as God. This way you won’t accept anything less than God’s best because you’ll see that’s exactly what you are too.

Calling

Being who God called you to be will inevitably attract the type of man you want to be with. I believe with all my heart that walking confidently in God’s will is going to lead to the man your heart desires. No more Ishmaels, only Isaacs from here on out. That’s God’s promise. God’s word accomplishes exactly what it was sent to do. The only question is do you believe it? How can God do what He needs to do if you not believe He will do it? It’s impossible to please God without faith. So, in faith make a plan to get that man. Don’t use waiting on God as an excuse to sit still and do nothing. 

My Plan

Your plan should include God in every aspect. What goals do you have? What measurable action steps are you taking? I’m not one to share something and not do it, so here’s a snippet of my marriage plan.

  1. Specific Goal: Marriage
  2. Measurable: 
    1. Two dates per month 
    2. Speak to and converse with at least 3 new men per week
    3. Pray/journal for my husband every day
  3. Attainable: I take public transit to and from work and I am on at least 2 dating apps. I can attain the goal of speaking to and conversing with 3 new men per week.
  4. Realistic: I will have to push myself out of my comfort zone to get this, but it will be done.
  5. Timebound: Marriage by 36 years old

There are a lot more details in my plan, but I want to give you an idea to let you know you are not alone. I’m working on my mindset and seeing myself as God sees me. I pray and ask God to help me walk more confidently in my calling so that I can be prepared for everything that He has for me. I read and listen to His word so that my faith may increase. Life isn’t all about getting a man. I’m still pursuing other goals in God with the same vigor and specificity. This plan is the work I’m putting behind my faith for marriage. A plan will work in other areas of our lives too.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. We got through this one just like we have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine our self-worth or our value as women. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day or on any day does not diminish anything about us. We are still strong, loving, and amazing women. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything! 

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www.singleinchrist.org/dating-slump

Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

dating slump

Dating Slump

Posted on January 18, 2020

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Lately, I’ve been in a dating slump. I’m tired of the dating process.  Each step takes so much energy and time. It’s an exhausting thing. Let’s break it down.

The Meet-Cute

You know that first time you meet someone whether online or in public? In movies, it’s called a ” meet-cute.” It’s a scene where two people may eventually form a future romantic couple meets for the first time. Usually under humorous or ” cute ” circumstances. That hasn’t necessarily been my experience in real life but let’s roll with it. You meet a guy and you two hit it off. Laughter, flirtatious conversation, and the exchange of telephone numbers commence. Y’all are really feeling each other. You depart and then is the next stage. There’s no real energy exerted during the meet-cute because it’s natural and easy. You’re usually enjoying the moment. Plus, you don’t know this man. There’s no real reason to be stressed.

Getting to Know You

After the meet-cute is the getting to know you stage. At this point is where the dating fatigue usually sets in for me. Here come the same old questions that you always hear. When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite color? etc… Tired of the same old questions I found a list of interesting questions online to shake things up a bit. However, my attempt failed. I found that a lot of men were resistant. I even explained to one man why I ask the questions. Only to get the response “Oh.”

Sir, that’s it? Nothing else? No interesting questions in response? Oh ok, onto the next. Which is why I’m in this dating slump. I’m tired of it. I know I have to power through this, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I desire marriage but this dating thing is for the birds. I’m quickly approaching apathy.

Apathy

I’ m not excited to date at all anymore. The fun has been sucked out by all of the lackluster conversations I’ve had lately. Now, I know I’ m partly to blame. In the beginning, dating was actually fun. I had a good time and enjoyed being out meeting new people. Somewhere along the line, it became a chore. It became a routine song and dance and I fell into the lull of monotony. As my interest waned so did the energy and quality of men I met. It’s a vicious cycle.

People have suggested that when I meet “the one” it will be different, that the dating slump will be over. Maybe I’ll have the same attitude and he’ll be turned off. Or, maybe he’ll see through the apathy and push to be with me. I have no idea. What  I do know is that every time I feel this apathy and frustration with anything in my life, it means that I have been relying on my own strength. In this journey, I started thinking I could do it on my own. Obviously I cannot. My own way has led to exhaustion and frustration. I need to rely on God.

Time with God

This slump extends to more than one area of my life. I feel exhausted, lost, and unenthused. Therefore, I need to spend more time with Him. I literally cannot do this on my own. His wisdom and spirit must guide my every decision; especially who I want to date. I want to date and eventually be married so I have to rely on God to show me who to date.  Fun fact, a long time ago I asked God to hold my heart in His hands and only give it to the man who asked Him for it. Since then, I have snatched my heart back so many times and given it to whoever I deemed worthy. Only consulting God on a few occasions.

It’s finally time to leave my heart in His hands. It’s finally time to leave my entire life in His hands. I’m going to pray and praise my way out of this slump. On the dating front, I’m going to take things a little slowly. I’ll take my time and seek God for real. Honestly, what’s the rush? I’ve already waited this long, might as well keep going and see what’s on the other side of my prayerful obedience.

The Journey

I’m not sure of the specifics, but I know I’ll be married to a wonderful man one day. I’ll tell him about my journey and we’ll laugh together. Then we’ll thank God for bringing us together. It’s all working for my good. Every straight-faced LOL and all of the repetitive questions will help me to get to my destination in God. Through Him, I can renew my mindset and perspective on dating. I’m coming out of this dating slump! I’m coming out of this life slump! I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Thanks for joining me on a journey through singleness.

-Kim

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Lessons Learned

10 Lessons from the Last Decade

Posted on January 4, 2020

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1. I Can Accomplish Anything

I passed the bar on the first attempt. Up until that point, it was one of the most challenging things I had done. It was daunting. My entire career hinged on me passing this one test. But I did it. After 3 years of law school and an entire summer spent studying, I passed the bar. That let me know I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

2. Not to Lean On My Own Understanding

Life doesn’t always go according to the plan I’ve laid out, but God has a better plan. It took me a long time to find a job that I actually wanted to do. I found out very quickly that being an attorney wasn’t it. Honestly, I’m still learning exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, but I know I can’t rely on my own understanding to figure it out. God’s wisdom and revelation helped me when I didn’t know where to go or what to do. It’s always best to lean on Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

3. I Have Permission to Feel Without Being Led by My Emotions

This is something I learned about myself over the years. If something isn’t going my way or I don’t feel like doing it. I quit. I allowed my emotions to rule and lead me. I would quit something in a heartbeat. So, one of the things I want to leave in the last decade is being led by my emotions. It’s ok to feel, but I must remain sober-minded. I have to make decisions based on what God says and not solely on how I feel.

1 Peter 5:8 (ESV) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

4. I Can Love Jesus and Still Go to Therapy

2012-2016 was wild. So many things happened. I ended a 5-year relationship. I lost my confidence and hope. I became confused, distrusting, distant, thought I was unlovable. It was a dark time. I remember my mind be cloudy and thinking it would always be this way. So, I talked to my pastor at the time and he recommended therapy. It was eye-opening. I always thought therapy was for crazy people. I was resistant at first because I was taught all I needed was prayer and Jesus, but I wasn’t given any practical tools to allow Jesus’ transformative power to really work in my life. Therapy gave me those tools. I still use those tools to this day to help me use God’s word to work through life’s issues.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV) We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God…


5. I’m Loved and God Wants What’s Best for Me

 I went through a period where I felt so unloved. I felt incapable of giving or receiving love. God showed me in a dream how much He really loved me. I realized at that point that He loved me since the foundations of the earth and nothing will ever separate His love from me.

Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

6. Prayer Changes Me

The more I pray, the more my heart changes. Where I was once hard, I am now soft. Prayer increases my faith, prepares me for situations, helps me to defeat temptation, and allows me to see God’s power in the life of others. It doesn’t always change the situation, but it certainly changes the way I view a situation. 

Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


7. My Words Have Power

This past decade I started speaking affirmations over myself. I would say them silently, out loud, looking at myself in the mirror. The point is I would say them. The more I said those words, the more I would believe it. At first, I said positive quotes found on Pinterest. Then I incorporated more scripture as I started studying God’s word. The more I spoke God’s word over my life, the more I would see His word manifesting in my life. It’s amazing to see how a day would turn out based on what I said to my self that morning. 

Proverbs 18:21 (KJV) Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

8. Money Management

I got out of consumer debt. It was hard. I had to say no to a lot of trips and outings so I could place myself in a better financial situation. Managing money wisely provides more choices. Now, I can say yes to trips and going out because I know the money is there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not debt-free, but I am closer than I was before. I can actually see the end and I believe this decade I will be able to say I owe no man.

For to him who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.” — Matthew 13:11–12, RSV.

9. My Story is My Story

I spent a lot of time looking at other people and trying to emulate what they did in order to obtain the success they had. It never worked out for me. I have to walk the path God set out for me. My story will be just as beautiful and it will work because it’s what God ordained for me.

Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.


10. Faith With Works is Alive!

I accomplished a lot in the last half of the decade by simply putting a little work behind my faith. I was able to travel, buy a home, and land a great job, all because I believed what God said and was willing to put in the work to see it manifest on this side of heaven. 

James 2:26 (NIV) As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

Dating Lessons

Posted on August 24, 2019
Dating Lessons Learned

I’ve never dated so much in my life. I’ve been on many dates with several men. I have had so much fun. Now, I have a better understanding of what I want. Here are my top five dating lessons learned:

Lesson 1: Surrender

Through this dating process, I’ve let go of a lot of my ideas about love. I learned to surrender. I learned to be vulnerable. I am still learning how to feel my emotions without being led by them. I learned how to say what I want. Being with someone for the rest of my life will require me to give of myself, sometimes more than I’m comfortable with.

Honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are all areas in which I struggle. It’s hard for me to let go of my ideas and plans. Once I truly let go, I see how beautiful life can be. When I surrender, I see God at work and I move out of the way. The same thing happens with relationships. When I stop trying to control the outcome everything turns out greater than I ever expected.

Lesson 2: I’m the Prize

Placing a high value on my self-worth has allowed other people to treat me as such.  When God created me He made a masterpiece. He created something beautiful. Why would I allow anyone to treat me as something less? How can I treat myself as something less than the best? I deserve to be pursued. I do not have to compromise. I will have what God wants for me. I am the prize.

Lesson 3: Where My Hope Comes From

Dating has its ups and downs. There will be periods of time where I hit it off with every guy I like, and then there are periods of time where things just aren’t clicking. During the low moments, it’s easy to get discouraged. When a guy I like ghosts, often the first thought is that I did something wrong. It was during these moments that I had to rely on God and His promises to get me through.

He never promised that I wouldn’t struggle, but He did promise that He already overcame this trouble-filled world. I had to remember, in good times and in bad, that whatever the outcome is my hope will remain in Jesus. My confidence isn’t in me, it’s in Him who works through me. This helped me adjust my attitude when things went left, and to maintain my attitude when things went my way.

Lesson 4: Keep God First

This may sound silly but for a long time, I thought in order to be a real Christian and keep God first I couldn’t do much else. I thought in order to stay on the straight and narrow, I could only go to work, church, and home. The problem with that was that it was boring. I wasn’t meeting anyone, especially not men, and I was losing sight of what God had promised me.

It’s weird, but dating made me put God first. I was very intentional about keeping God involved in my dating process. I prayed before going out, I prayed on the way there, I prayed about the guy. I studied more scripture to make sure I was sober-minded. I asked friends and family for advice and to hold me accountable. This habit spilled over into other areas of my life. Now I know that as long as He’s first, everything else will fall into place.

Lesson 5: I Am A Wife

I believe I’m in the position to be found. I declare I’m a wife now. No, I’m not married yet and there is no potential man in the picture right now. But I declare that I am a wife right now. Yes, I can cook and clean and fulfill all of those domestic duties, but being a wife is about more than that. To do a little humble bragging, I have a good character. I can listen, help, support, encourage, pray, believe, love, and make money. There are definitely still things I need to learn about being a wife but I know I am a good thing. I am a wife.

Bonus Lesson: What I Want

I know I want a man who loves God more than he will ever love me. I want a man who’s responsible with money. I want a worshipper. I want a spiritual leader. I want someone who will pray with me and for me. 
Now, I realize the importance of having Christ as the foundation. Maybe dating as I have isn’t the path for everyone. I’m happy God took me along this path though. While it hasn’t been easy, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. 

So here’s my truth. I want to be married. While I’m thankful that I’ve had to opportunity to meet so many great men, I want my husband. Dating has been amazing. But, what I really want is my husband and family. What I truly want is to allow God to do His job and I put in the work of me dating men I can see myself marrying.

I started this journey because I want every promise God has for me. I’m determined to see His goodness in the land of the living. This isn’t the end of me dating. It’s the beginning of my taking dating seriously. So, prayerfully I will not be dating for long (please Jesus). Of course, it will happen in His timing and I’m in no rush. Until then, thanks for joining me on this journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

We also recommend:

http://www.singleinchrist.org/mystory

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi_zkBNDJLU1HPRR80SbXNA

Pray and Wait

Posted on July 27, 2019

As Christian singles, especially single Christian women, we are advised to pray and wait. For every conceivable request, the answer is, and I think will probably always be, pray and wait. God will give you the desires of your heart girl, just pray and wait. He’s going to do it. Don’t give up, keep on praying and waiting. So, what happens when that advice isn’t working?

Advice for Christian Singles

I have even given that advice before. Just hold on to the promise. Don’t lose faith. It will be worth the wait. Keep praying. What no one discusses is the fact that the pray and wait mentality can lead to passivity. It can lead to a bunch of nothing. It can lead to frustrated men and women who are sick and tired of waiting and praying.

I do not believe the intention behind the advice to wait and pray is for the person to just sit back and expect God to do all the work. Nonetheless, it has that effect. People place all the responsibility on God and none on themselves. They get mad at God for not moving on their behalf and jump ahead of Him or abandon His promises altogether.

Talking About Me

Let me be clear when I say people I’m talking about me. I’m people. I thought that praying and waiting literally meant just that. I would pray about a thing, then wait for God to do something. So, I waited and waited. Nothing happened. I prayed again, thinking my prayer wasn’t good enough. Then nothing happened. This process was so frustrating. I decided my faith wasn’t strong enough. 

I prayed again, this time in faith.  Quoting scriptures, and writing declarations, I was so sure God would deliver this time. I was confident. But, nothing happened. Life went on as normal. The problem was that while I was praying and waiting, I wasn’t doing anything. All I did was serve in my church and community.   

Serving

Don’t get me wrong, you’re supposed to get involved in your local church and serve others while you wait. But isn’t that what I should be doing anyway? Regardless of if I’m waiting on God or not, shouldn’t I still be serving Him and His people? 

So, what now? I believe the “pray and wait” advice creates a mentality that the person praying and waiting only has to do these 2 things and whatever they want God will deliver. It makes God into this magical genie that gives you exactly what.

Prayer With Works Is Alive

I’m not discounting prayer or waiting. I believe that God will do what He said He will do. I also believe that I have to do my part. Prayer with works is alive. It’s time to stop placing all of the responsibility, and consequently the blame, on God. He gave us wisdom. He gave us discernment. Why aren’t we using it?  

Waiting is not just about serving. It’s also about expecting the Lord to move.  Waiting is about putting yourself in the position so that when God does move, you’ll be prepared to act. The question is, while you’re waiting in expectation, have you placed yourself in the position for your strength to be renewed? Are you ready to mount up like eagles? Are you ready to run and not get weary? Run and not faint? 

Just Do It

None of those things are passive. These things require movement on your part. Your job in the wait is to know that God will move on your behalf once you move, once you make your faith alive. He will renew your strength as you expect Him to do what He said. Don’t take this as an opportunity to do nothing. God will guide you.  Continue to trust Him.

I’m not against prayer or waiting. In fact, I believe that prayer is one of the most important things we can do. Prayer must spur us into action though. It’s in prayer that God gives us the action plan. It’s in prayer that He shows us what we can do. It’s up to us to actually do it. So, create a plan around that idea God gave you. 

Let’s pray and then act. You want to get married, date. You want to own a business, incorporate with the state. You want another job, start applying. Continue to pray and then be led by the Holy Spirit to move. Allow God to guide your decisions through prayer. His promises are still yes and amen! 

Thanks for following me on my single journey!

-Kim

Recommended Resources

https://www.gotquestions.org/wait-on-the-Lord.html

Related Articles

https://www.singleinchrist.org/?s=obedience

Online Dating

Online Dating: Why I Went Back

Posted on April 26, 2019


I went back to online dating simply because I wanted to date and it’s the easiest way to meet new people. The real question is why did I stop in the first place?

Broken

To answer that question let’s go all the way back to 2012. I was fresh out of a five-year relationship. I was broken-hearted and crushed. I was too through with men and knew I needed time to heal. So, I intentionally took a three-year break from dating. During those three years, I got to know myself and found God for real. He restored me. Then in 2015, I figured I was ready to get back out into the dating world. So, I joined Plenty of Fish (POF).

Exhausted

During the year of 2015, I dated a lot. I went out with everybody who asked. I had no idea how to date. I was talking to about 7 men at once.  I was constantly texting, going out on dates, and talking on the phone with men. It was popping, but I wasn’t having fun. I couldn’t build anything of substance because there were just too many men. I got tired of surface-level conversations. But what else could there be? I literally had no time to interact with any of them on a deeper level.

I quit dating out of pure frustration and exhaustion. I needed a break to rest. I was so tired. During my rest period, I figured that this wasn’t the right way to date. So, I tightened my dating criteria and decided to get back out there.

Restricted

2016 was the year of three bad dates. I refused to go out with just anyone. I was trying to be smart about dating. I wanted marriage and my past method wouldn’t work. So, I wrote a list of 70+ things that I required for a man to have to date me. Problem is that man doesn’t exist. I put so much pressure on myself to find the perfect man, I developed anxiety. The last date I went on that year was horrible. It was so bad I quit dating for almost 2 years. I gave up hope.

Lonely

In 2017 I went on no dates. I was lonely, frustrated, and confused. I thought dating would help bring me out of a slump. Crazy right? So, I joined POF again.  Of course, I only met some rusty, crusty, dusty dudes. I thought maybe my filters weren’t good enough. I reset them and now it was only old men. I didn’t go out with anyone this time. I was done for real this time. I even wrote a long post about how I was done with online dating. But God had other plans.

In 2018 my word for the year was whole, as in becoming a whole person. I took the time to make sure I was really whole and healed. I still had no plans to date though. I was finally happy and whole. Then, in late 2018, God told me He wanted me to write about dating. How could I do that if I was sitting at home alone all the time?

No More Breaks

In late 2018, I joined multiple datings sites, started dating, and haven’t looked back. There won’t be any more breaks from dating. I don’t put so much pressure on myself to meet my husband anymore. It will happen in God’s timing and I’m okay with that. I decided this time would be fun and it has been. Dating multiple men at once is still how I choose to date. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I love it. I’ve learned my limit is two men at once. Being open and honest up front is the key. I’m going to keep dating and having fun until I meet my husband.

The Difference

Here’s the difference between all my other dating experiences and now; I am in control this time. All of those other times, I let the men dictate and control. I stopped doing what I wanted to accommodate them. Looking back, I thought this was the way to keep a man. Now, I feel this dating path is God-ordained. I know this dating period will result in marriage.

Anxiety and nerves used to take over on dates. Having fun and flirting was so far from my mind. I was so focused on finding my husband, I treated men as objects. Now, I date on my terms. My anxiety has dissipated. Dating can be fun and holy. While I dated multiple men, there’s been no kissing, no hugging, and barely any hand-holding. Full transparency though, I’m only dating one man now and we hug, hold hands, and have the occasional kiss. It’s still on my terms and we still keep it holy.

What Now?

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to trust God and enjoy the process. Online dating isn’t for everybody. God had to change my mindset before it worked for me. I had to let go of a lot of old ideas and be sure of what I wanted before I could date. I pray God gives you that same freedom whether you date online or meet men in real life. I pray you don’t give up as easily as I did either. The journey can be just as rewarding as the destination. As always, thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. Be sure to be let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do!

-Kim

P.S. I only started dating one guy two weeks ago. He’s the same guy that wants to be exclusive. He keeps asking to meet my support system and I kept stalling. I finally invited him to church because that’s the easiest way to meet everyone. I’ll keep you all posted.

Plus Size Dating

Dating as a Plus-Size Girl.

Posted on March 23, 2019

Dating as a plus-size girl hasn’t always been easy. Confidence hasn’t always been my strong suit. I battled with low self-esteem and feeling unworthy for a very long time. I went to therapy, I recited positive affirmations about myself, and I prayed for God to make me more confident in the woman He created me to be.

I posted scriptures about who I am on my mirrors and computers. I worked really hard to be more confident. Then I finally reached a place where I felt confident in myself. Then I started dating again. Dating tested my confidence.

Facing Insecurities

I came face to face with many of my insecurities and had to deal with them one by one. Thankfully, I have the tools to combat those insecure feelings. All except one, my weight. Now let’s be honest here. I’m overweight, plus-sized, fluffy. Whatever euphemism you want to call it.  Usually, when I say this, people shower me with compliments or tell me that I’m beautiful. Let’s get this straight, I never said I was ugly, just plus-size.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with being plus-size, it was the biggest insecurity I had to overcome when re-entering the dating world. Although we don’t like to admit it, being big is often associated with unattractiveness and poor habits in general. Now I know those stereotypes don’t describe me, but I knew that I may have to face them nonetheless.

Barrier to Dating

I was so concerned that my weight would be a barrier to dating. So I decided to just put it all out there. I stopped wearing girdles, I put on more colorful clothes. I decided to just be me. Low key I was still a little worried about my weight though. But here’s the thing, it hasn’t been a factor at all.

In fact, I’m attracting quality men. Quality men who are fine. Let me say that again. This plus-size girl is pulling men who look good, have good jobs, and are good men. Now, I’m not pulling all the fine men, nobody is, but I’m pulling in my fair share. The funny thing is, I date men who exercise all the time. They are really into working out and feel some type of way when they don’t. They are into eating healthy and all of that stuff and I’m just not. Well, not yet anyway.

Changed Mindset

Listen, this blew my mind. I honestly think this kept me from successfully dating before. I had the mindset that my weight would keep me from getting what I really wanted. Come to find out, it wasn’t my weight, it was my mindset that kept me from it all along.

I always thought that if I lost weight I might attract better-looking men or better quality men, but that’s not true. I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight yet I’m attracting men to whom I’m also attracted.

This Tells Me Some Things About Myself

  1. My weight has no bearing on the quality of men I am able to attract.
  2. I was trying to lose weight for a potential mate and not for myself.
  3. If I was willing to make drastic changes for someone I hadn’t met yet, what would I do once I met him?
  4. My mindset matters.

I had to get myself all the way together. If I’m going to lose weight, it has to be for me. Though I love myself the way I am, I must change my lifestyle to have a long life and prosperity that God promised me. I want to be healthy in my mind, body, and spirit. So I have to lose weight.  It’s just that food is so delicious. Plus, the fact that I can still attract some fine men while being plus-size doesn’t motivate me to exercise. I’m going to lose weight though. I want to be able to run after my kids one day without being winded so easily.

Finally Free

So, I’m going to keep this mindset. Even if the old negative thoughts come, they don’t have to stay. All in all, this time around dating has been incredibly fun. Probably because I’ve allowed myself to just be. I’ve learned who I am in Christ and how to be free in Him (for the most part). I pray that for all of you as well. I pray that you realize that whom the Son sets free is free indeed. No matter where you are in life, whether you’re dating or not, take this time to change your mindset. Take this time to know who you are in God. Be positive, continue to believe in Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do.

Thanks for joining me on my journey!

-Kim

Recommended Resource:

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Related Topics

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My Story