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Frustrated Woman

Situationship

Posted on January 31, 2020

Transparency moment: I tripped and fell into a full-blown situationship. Now, for those of you who haven’t heard, a situationship is the space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship. In other words, it’s nothing tangible. It doesn’t represent anything. This word was created because that’s the only way to describe it. It’s not a relationship but it’s also not a friendship. It is that in-between stage where feelings are involved but no rules apply. It’s a horrible spot. So, how did I get there?

How I Fell

I finally am free of this whateverness that I dealt with for a year. I was warned, told, and flat out shown that he was not my husband. That feeling in my gut said no, but I ignored the red flags. I thought he could maybe be the one with time. All along I couldn’t commit. In the back of my mind, I wondered if this was for me or if he was for me. God told me long ago I’d marry and I’d know when I met him. So when people told me I was their wife along the way, I knew they were lying. This situationship started differently though, he had me questioning if my intuition was off.

He said and did all the right things until he didn’t. It was gradual. So gradual in fact that I didn’t even notice things were different until all the niceties that drew me in completely stopped. I then realized I operated under the assumption that things would get back to normal. The calls, dates, and hand-holding would resume. They didn’t. I thought the long meaningful conversations would return. They stopped happening altogether. It turned into a situationship.

The Break-Up

I called it out, I said I wanted more and would walk away from this nothingness. He stepped it up for a little while then it turned right back into a complicated situationship. See, I had no real right to demand more because we weren’t in a relationship, but my feelings were definitely involved at that point. So, now I have to break up with someone I’m not even with. How does that work? I tried 3 good times before it stuck. Each time the “break up” didn’t work it was my fault. I would respond to a text or answer a call and it would start all over again. This last time I was determined to let it go. I said my goodbye and blocked him. Hey, sometimes you have to do it. I wholeheartedly believe in the blocked ministry. Not only did I block him on my phone, but on all social media as well. Then I deleted the text thread and his number from my phone.

The End

That last part hurt a little. It was the end of my holding on to something I knew I was supposed to let go of a long time ago. While it hurt, it was also freeing. There was a sweet release in finally being obedient to God. How much better could I have felt if I was obedient immediately? Where would my life be now had I been obedient immediately and followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit as soon as I heard it? I can’t say. All I know now is that God certainly wants what’s best for me. I also know that I’m willing to follow His lead in order to obtain it. I’m worth God’s best. There will not be another situationship in my future. There will only be God’s destiny. His will shall prevail in my life. This time I’m willing to obey.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness!

Kim

Recommended Resources

Dating and Courting

Singleness

dating slump

Dating Slump

Posted on January 18, 2020

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Lately, I’ve been in a dating slump. I’m tired of the dating process.  Each step takes so much energy and time. It’s an exhausting thing. Let’s break it down.

The Meet-Cute

You know that first time you meet someone whether online or in public? In movies, it’s called a ” meet-cute.” It’s a scene where two people may eventually form a future romantic couple meets for the first time. Usually under humorous or ” cute ” circumstances. That hasn’t necessarily been my experience in real life but let’s roll with it. You meet a guy and you two hit it off. Laughter, flirtatious conversation, and the exchange of telephone numbers commence. Y’all are really feeling each other. You depart and then is the next stage. There’s no real energy exerted during the meet-cute because it’s natural and easy. You’re usually enjoying the moment. Plus, you don’t know this man. There’s no real reason to be stressed.

Getting to Know You

After the meet-cute is the getting to know you stage. At this point is where the dating fatigue usually sets in for me. Here come the same old questions that you always hear. When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite color? etc… Tired of the same old questions I found a list of interesting questions online to shake things up a bit. However, my attempt failed. I found that a lot of men were resistant. I even explained to one man why I ask the questions. Only to get the response “Oh.”

Sir, that’s it? Nothing else? No interesting questions in response? Oh ok, onto the next. Which is why I’m in this dating slump. I’m tired of it. I know I have to power through this, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I desire marriage but this dating thing is for the birds. I’m quickly approaching apathy.

Apathy

I’ m not excited to date at all anymore. The fun has been sucked out by all of the lackluster conversations I’ve had lately. Now, I know I’ m partly to blame. In the beginning, dating was actually fun. I had a good time and enjoyed being out meeting new people. Somewhere along the line, it became a chore. It became a routine song and dance and I fell into the lull of monotony. As my interest waned so did the energy and quality of men I met. It’s a vicious cycle.

People have suggested that when I meet “the one” it will be different, that the dating slump will be over. Maybe I’ll have the same attitude and he’ll be turned off. Or, maybe he’ll see through the apathy and push to be with me. I have no idea. What  I do know is that every time I feel this apathy and frustration with anything in my life, it means that I have been relying on my own strength. In this journey, I started thinking I could do it on my own. Obviously I cannot. My own way has led to exhaustion and frustration. I need to rely on God.

Time with God

This slump extends to more than one area of my life. I feel exhausted, lost, and unenthused. Therefore, I need to spend more time with Him. I literally cannot do this on my own. His wisdom and spirit must guide my every decision; especially who I want to date. I want to date and eventually be married so I have to rely on God to show me who to date.  Fun fact, a long time ago I asked God to hold my heart in His hands and only give it to the man who asked Him for it. Since then, I have snatched my heart back so many times and given it to whoever I deemed worthy. Only consulting God on a few occasions.

It’s finally time to leave my heart in His hands. It’s finally time to leave my entire life in His hands. I’m going to pray and praise my way out of this slump. On the dating front, I’m going to take things a little slowly. I’ll take my time and seek God for real. Honestly, what’s the rush? I’ve already waited this long, might as well keep going and see what’s on the other side of my prayerful obedience.

The Journey

I’m not sure of the specifics, but I know I’ll be married to a wonderful man one day. I’ll tell him about my journey and we’ll laugh together. Then we’ll thank God for bringing us together. It’s all working for my good. Every straight-faced LOL and all of the repetitive questions will help me to get to my destination in God. Through Him, I can renew my mindset and perspective on dating. I’m coming out of this dating slump! I’m coming out of this life slump! I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Thanks for joining me on a journey through singleness.

-Kim

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Lessons Learned

10 Lessons from the Last Decade

Posted on January 4, 2020

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1. I Can Accomplish Anything

I passed the bar on the first attempt. Up until that point, it was one of the most challenging things I had done. It was daunting. My entire career hinged on me passing this one test. But I did it. After 3 years of law school and an entire summer spent studying, I passed the bar. That let me know I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

2. Not to Lean On My Own Understanding

Life doesn’t always go according to the plan I’ve laid out, but God has a better plan. It took me a long time to find a job that I actually wanted to do. I found out very quickly that being an attorney wasn’t it. Honestly, I’m still learning exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, but I know I can’t rely on my own understanding to figure it out. God’s wisdom and revelation helped me when I didn’t know where to go or what to do. It’s always best to lean on Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

3. I Have Permission to Feel Without Being Led by My Emotions

This is something I learned about myself over the years. If something isn’t going my way or I don’t feel like doing it. I quit. I allowed my emotions to rule and lead me. I would quit something in a heartbeat. So, one of the things I want to leave in the last decade is being led by my emotions. It’s ok to feel, but I must remain sober-minded. I have to make decisions based on what God says and not solely on how I feel.

1 Peter 5:8 (ESV) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

4. I Can Love Jesus and Still Go to Therapy

2012-2016 was wild. So many things happened. I ended a 5-year relationship. I lost my confidence and hope. I became confused, distrusting, distant, thought I was unlovable. It was a dark time. I remember my mind be cloudy and thinking it would always be this way. So, I talked to my pastor at the time and he recommended therapy. It was eye-opening. I always thought therapy was for crazy people. I was resistant at first because I was taught all I needed was prayer and Jesus, but I wasn’t given any practical tools to allow Jesus’ transformative power to really work in my life. Therapy gave me those tools. I still use those tools to this day to help me use God’s word to work through life’s issues.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV) We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God…


5. I’m Loved and God Wants What’s Best for Me

 I went through a period where I felt so unloved. I felt incapable of giving or receiving love. God showed me in a dream how much He really loved me. I realized at that point that He loved me since the foundations of the earth and nothing will ever separate His love from me.

Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

6. Prayer Changes Me

The more I pray, the more my heart changes. Where I was once hard, I am now soft. Prayer increases my faith, prepares me for situations, helps me to defeat temptation, and allows me to see God’s power in the life of others. It doesn’t always change the situation, but it certainly changes the way I view a situation. 

Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


7. My Words Have Power

This past decade I started speaking affirmations over myself. I would say them silently, out loud, looking at myself in the mirror. The point is I would say them. The more I said those words, the more I would believe it. At first, I said positive quotes found on Pinterest. Then I incorporated more scripture as I started studying God’s word. The more I spoke God’s word over my life, the more I would see His word manifesting in my life. It’s amazing to see how a day would turn out based on what I said to my self that morning. 

Proverbs 18:21 (KJV) Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

8. Money Management

I got out of consumer debt. It was hard. I had to say no to a lot of trips and outings so I could place myself in a better financial situation. Managing money wisely provides more choices. Now, I can say yes to trips and going out because I know the money is there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not debt-free, but I am closer than I was before. I can actually see the end and I believe this decade I will be able to say I owe no man.

For to him who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.” — Matthew 13:11–12, RSV.

9. My Story is My Story

I spent a lot of time looking at other people and trying to emulate what they did in order to obtain the success they had. It never worked out for me. I have to walk the path God set out for me. My story will be just as beautiful and it will work because it’s what God ordained for me.

Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.


10. Faith With Works is Alive!

I accomplished a lot in the last half of the decade by simply putting a little work behind my faith. I was able to travel, buy a home, and land a great job, all because I believed what God said and was willing to put in the work to see it manifest on this side of heaven. 

James 2:26 (NIV) As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

Bible Study

God’s Truth

Posted on December 7, 2019

What do I believe? Is it God’s truth or what I want to believe? It’s time to get back to the truth. The truth is found in God’s word and to follow it I must know it. In an effort to become more transparent and honest with myself and God, I decided to really look at what I believed. Where did the belief originate? Is it the truth? Am I correctly perceiving and understanding God?


Brittany Broaddus, a guest on The Love Hour podcast, stated there are 3 principles that often get confused when discussing theology and things of God;

  • Biblical Mandate
  • Convictions
  • Preference


I decided to research this further. I want to be absolutely sure that I’m sharing the truth.

Biblical Mandate


A biblical mandate is universally applicable. This is what God says about the issue and we all, as believers, have to follow it. The bible is the divinely inspired word of God. What God says goes. For example: Drinking alcohol. There isn’t a biblical mandate that makes drinking alcohol a sin. However, there are people who preach against drinking alcohol, as if it’s a sin. Here’s how confusion enters and why it’s so important to know God’s word for yourself.


Over the course of the years, many well-intentioned people have misquoted, taken out of context, misapplied, or plain just misused scripture. It is very important when reading and studying the bible to ask some very basic questions.

  • Who is God talking to?
  • What is happening at this time in history in the bible?
  • What is the context of the verse?
  • Why is God saying this at this time?


We must study to show ourselves approved as workers who can rightly divide the truth. Are we accurately quoting scripture? Does God say that or did someone we love and admire say that? We have to get back to God’s word. We have to get back to the truth.

Conviction


Convictions are caused by the living Holy Spirit that dwells inside of us. As Christians, once we confess with our mouths and believe with our hearts, we receive salvation and the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit leads, guides, comforts, and convicts. Conviction is something the Holy Spirit leads us not to do because it’s not for us. Let’s look at drinking alcohol again.

There is no biblical mandate against drinking. There are, however, biblical mandates calling believers to be sober-minded and to not be drunk. This is where conviction comes in. Because God knows us, He may tell some people not to drink or the Holy Spirit will convict us if we partake in too much alcohol. But, the Holy Spirit may not lead others that way.

Whose Voice?

Conviction by the Holy Spirit is great. It will lead us in the right direction. We must be careful however to distinguish between conviction and condemnation. The enemy condemns and the Holy Spirit convicts. Conviction is a gentle push to do what you know is right. Condemnation is a heavy feeling of guilt or shame for doing what you know is wrong. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.


Also, make sure the conviction we’re feeling is from the Holy Spirit and not the voice of anyone else whispering their convictions in our ear. I have been guilty of this. I used to follow a teacher that said as Christians we were so holy we couldn’t do anything in this world, like go to the movies. Going to the movies convicted me! Seems silly now, but that used to make me feel so bad. There is no biblical mandate against enjoying a movie. The Holy Spirit may convict me about the type of movie I watch, but I was needlessly misguided based on another’s personal conviction or misinterpretation of scripture. Another reason to be grounded in God’s truth.

Preferences

Lastly, there are personal preferences. While these can be guided by biblical mandates or convictions, they are usually what a person wants. Take the example of drinking alcohol. There isn’t a biblical mandate against it and I don’t personally feel convicted by drinking, but I prefer to drink wine over hard liquor. Preferences can be based on anything or nothing. So, when following a certain teacher or speaking on things of God, we must be vigilant and make sure that it’s based on Biblical truth.


Ultimately, the best thing to do is to test the spirit by the spirit. Spend time with God so that we know His voice. That includes me. I try my best to know His word and His truth, but it’s not always easy. Especially if we are listening to someone we know, love, and trust. So, I apologize if I ever passed off a conviction or preference as a scriptural mandate from God. From now on, I will try my best to operate in truth. I will take more time to study and hear from God.


Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness!
Until next time,
Kim

Recommended Resources: www.theintimacyfirm.com

Suggested Reading: Dating Lessons

The Battle

Posted on November 26, 2019
falling short

I’m battling God and I’m tired. I’m running away from the calling God placed on my life. I’m battling to keep what I need to let go. I fought for so long to have my way and now I’m exhausted. The battle cost me peace, happiness, the ability to love without condition, and patience. Why am I fighting with God? Because I am afraid.

Terrified

I’m terrified I’m not worth more than what I have right now. What if this is all there is and God doesn’t do what He promised? What if He takes longer than I’m willing to wait. Am I willing to forsake the future God showed me, for now? If I continue to keep what He told me to let go, will I ever get to what God has for me?

Even if I embrace God’s path for me, will I get to it? Am I even worthy enough to do His work? It gets hard and lonely as the super saved girl. What if I just don’t have what it takes? I declare every day that I am confident in God and His word. But, how do I trust when it seems like I’m waiting in vain? This I know for sure, every time I fully surrendered and trusted Him fully, He blew my mind.

Surrender

So, how do I get back to that place? That place where I let go and let God. How do I get to the fully surrendered, prostrate before the Lord, just me and Him place? I used to be there. I heard His voice clearly and followed it. My selfish desires get the best of me. I got distracted, confused, and lost. I fell all the way down. How did I get here?

I know the scriptures, I know the pitfalls to avoid. Or, at least I thought I did. Now I’m unstable. I’m fighting and screaming just to get back, but He seems so far away. That’s when I fell to my knees and gave up the fight. God, I cannot live this way. You called me to be holy and set apart. The righteous fall seven times and get back up. I need to get up. I have sinned and fallen short of the glorious standard of Christ but there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.

Victory at Last

I’m in Christ. He has taken on every sin. He paid the penalty for each fall. Lord, help me get to a place where I abhor sin. Where I crucify my flesh with its lust and desires for this world, and pick up my cross and follow You. Help me to be grateful for today and not worry about tomorrow or what’s to come. Let me do what I can do today.

I have to make sure I’m hearing God’s voice above it all. God’s voice is in His word. I surrender God, I surrender all. I’m tired of trying it my own way. I fully accept the calling, gifts, and talents you have placed in my life. You win God. Funny thing is, I finally feel victorious. Now, I’m ready to walk the path to redemption.


A Better Person

Posted on November 18, 2019

Becoming a better person requires a lot of work. Personal growth requires strength and self-awareness which I can only get from God. The process is sometimes so strenuous that I actually ask myself and God frequently if this is really what I need?

Is all this work to become a better person really worth it? Do I really want all that God has for me? Do I want to see His word manifest in my life?  Is the juice worth the squeeze?

The Battle

Honestly, the battle is real.  Parts of me say yes, while other parts of me say no. Every year I suffer from severe low moods. It’s not necessarily depression, but I recognize the pattern. Last year I made a declaration that I would not go through that again. However, I didn’t realize the amount of work, prayer, and mind renewal this requires. Am I willing to do the necessary work to fulfill my plans and goals? Do I have what it takes to realize God’s plans for me?

To put this in perspective, I had to remember what not working felt like. I had to remember what living below the promises God looked like in my life. Although realizing His plan and for my life may require more work than I anticipated, I am not willing to live on this side of heaven and not see His goodness.

It’s Worth It

So, the answer is a resounding yes! Yes, I am determined that this year I will battle and win. I know that it will be a fight. There will be work behind my declaration. I’m prepared to fight this year. My struggle isn’t against flesh and blood, but against the dark powers of this world.

I will put on the whole armor of God and stand. I’m going to come out on the other side of this stronger and wiser. It’s the enemy’s job to steal, kill, and destroy, but he can’t have my future. He can’t have my mind. He can’t have what is meant for me. I am determined to win this battle. I will win this fight. The good news is that I’m already victorious.

It’s totally worth it to fight and become the better person God’s calling me to be. The freedom, victory, intimacy with our Father is so worth it. It’s the ultimate goal. No, it’s not always fun. But, I trust God enough to know that He will never lead me wrong. In the end, becoming a better person is for my good.

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Dusty Man Trap

Posted on September 7, 2019
falling short with dusty men

Overall dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some really great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently I fell into a dusty man trap.  I usually don’t dwell too much on the unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it’s necessary. Here’s how I fell into a dusty-man trap.

I always protect the innocent, so I’ll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It’s not personal. I have 5 things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him. 

  1. Christian
  2. Have a job
  3. Have a car
  4. Have his own place to stay
  5. No more than 1 child, but preferably none

How it Started

I mentioned those criteria because I went out on 2 dates with a guy that, unbeknownst to me, didn’t meet any of them. He was a dusty man.  Let’s start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don’t remember why we stopped, I just remember that we did. 

Then summer hits and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It’s Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. During the course of this chatting, I ask why we initially stopped talking and he changed the subject.  Looking back that should have been my first red flag.

We had trouble finding a time to go out because I’m a busy woman. I don’t cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about 2 weeks before we actually met up. During this time I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time.

The Meetup

A couple of days before we are supposed to go out he calls and says that he just has to see me. I said we’re supposed to go out soon can’t you just wait? He said no, he has to see me right away. This is a Sunday morning and I’m getting ready for church. I really didn’t have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag.

I get ready super fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I’m always talking about. It’s late June or early July, but either way, it’s super hot. The air in my car isn’t working that well so I’m sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up.  He hops out of the car in the most unflattering outfit I’ve ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn’t quite cover his ashy knees, and slides.

Disappointment

At this point I’m thinking to myself, you just had to see me and this is how you look? I’m super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God’s gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn’t wait until our date to see me.

He’s licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I really don’t remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don’t say anything because I’m hot and annoyed. Plus he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes then say I need to leave. At this point, I’m devising a plan in my head on how to let him down easy. But it didn’t go exactly as planned. 

Falling Into the Trap

The next day I call him and we’re keeping it light at first. Talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I’m not romantically interested and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap.  As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and that he lost his debit card. It sounds really suspicious but I say ok, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he really wants to see me again.

We go out, he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time.  He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I’m determined to break things off. Then he asks me for a ride home. I give him one and on my way back to my house I am fussing at myself for going out with this dusty, crusty man.  Mind you, he didn’t dress any better for our date. 

The more we talk, the more I find out about him. He really doesn’t have a job. He also doesn’t have a stable place to live. He goes in-between family member’s houses. There’s nothing wrong with this. I get that that people go through hard times, but why lie about it and try to date on top of that?

Lessons Learned

But, I ended up going out with him again. Don’t ask me why. Perhaps I needed to learn a lesson about smooth-talking dusty men. Maybe I thought I could help. In the end, I realized that I’m not the type of woman that can date potential. I need to see some actual results. I need to see your plan taking shape. I’m not asking any man to be at the final place, but I need to see steps being taken in that direction.

I also learned not to be so hard on myself. I should not have gone out with Gary. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because he had nice pictures online. Those pictures didn’t match reality by the way.  I serve a forgiving God who said there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If I’m in Christ, which I am, why should I condemn and be so hard on myself? I had to forgive myself for being foolish, believing lies, and falling into a dusty-man trap.  I survived though. Now, I will pay attention to red flags. 

I had to go back to God and find out what I really want. I won’t be making a dusty man mistake again. I can move forward with the knowledge that God wants me to be happy and that I will be.  Still out here dating, but I’m taking my time. Vetting men a little more than I used to. I’m grateful for the experience. Glad to know that God’s got me even when I mess up.

Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness!

Kim

Recommended Reading:

http://www.singleinchrist.org/a-prayer-for-you/

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Dating Lessons

Posted on August 24, 2019
Dating Lessons Learned

I’ve never dated so much in my life. I’ve been on many dates with several men. I have had so much fun. Now, I have a better understanding of what I want. Here are my top five dating lessons learned:

Lesson 1: Surrender

Through this dating process, I’ve let go of a lot of my ideas about love. I learned to surrender. I learned to be vulnerable. I am still learning how to feel my emotions without being led by them. I learned how to say what I want. Being with someone for the rest of my life will require me to give of myself, sometimes more than I’m comfortable with.

Honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are all areas in which I struggle. It’s hard for me to let go of my ideas and plans. Once I truly let go, I see how beautiful life can be. When I surrender, I see God at work and I move out of the way. The same thing happens with relationships. When I stop trying to control the outcome everything turns out greater than I ever expected.

Lesson 2: I’m the Prize

Placing a high value on my self-worth has allowed other people to treat me as such.  When God created me He made a masterpiece. He created something beautiful. Why would I allow anyone to treat me as something less? How can I treat myself as something less than the best? I deserve to be pursued. I do not have to compromise. I will have what God wants for me. I am the prize.

Lesson 3: Where My Hope Comes From

Dating has its ups and downs. There will be periods of time where I hit it off with every guy I like, and then there are periods of time where things just aren’t clicking. During the low moments, it’s easy to get discouraged. When a guy I like ghosts, often the first thought is that I did something wrong. It was during these moments that I had to rely on God and His promises to get me through.

He never promised that I wouldn’t struggle, but He did promise that He already overcame this trouble-filled world. I had to remember, in good times and in bad, that whatever the outcome is my hope will remain in Jesus. My confidence isn’t in me, it’s in Him who works through me. This helped me adjust my attitude when things went left, and to maintain my attitude when things went my way.

Lesson 4: Keep God First

This may sound silly but for a long time, I thought in order to be a real Christian and keep God first I couldn’t do much else. I thought in order to stay on the straight and narrow, I could only go to work, church, and home. The problem with that was that it was boring. I wasn’t meeting anyone, especially not men, and I was losing sight of what God had promised me.

It’s weird, but dating made me put God first. I was very intentional about keeping God involved in my dating process. I prayed before going out, I prayed on the way there, I prayed about the guy. I studied more scripture to make sure I was sober-minded. I asked friends and family for advice and to hold me accountable. This habit spilled over into other areas of my life. Now I know that as long as He’s first, everything else will fall into place.

Lesson 5: I Am A Wife

I believe I’m in the position to be found. I declare I’m a wife now. No, I’m not married yet and there is no potential man in the picture right now. But I declare that I am a wife right now. Yes, I can cook and clean and fulfill all of those domestic duties, but being a wife is about more than that. To do a little humble bragging, I have a good character. I can listen, help, support, encourage, pray, believe, love, and make money. There are definitely still things I need to learn about being a wife but I know I am a good thing. I am a wife.

Bonus Lesson: What I Want

I know I want a man who loves God more than he will ever love me. I want a man who’s responsible with money. I want a worshipper. I want a spiritual leader. I want someone who will pray with me and for me. 
Now, I realize the importance of having Christ as the foundation. Maybe dating as I have isn’t the path for everyone. I’m happy God took me along this path though. While it hasn’t been easy, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. 

So here’s my truth. I want to be married. While I’m thankful that I’ve had to opportunity to meet so many great men, I want my husband. Dating has been amazing. But, what I really want is my husband and family. What I truly want is to allow God to do His job and I put in the work of me dating men I can see myself marrying.

I started this journey because I want every promise God has for me. I’m determined to see His goodness in the land of the living. This isn’t the end of me dating. It’s the beginning of my taking dating seriously. So, prayerfully I will not be dating for long (please Jesus). Of course, it will happen in His timing and I’m in no rush. Until then, thanks for joining me on this journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

We also recommend:

http://www.singleinchrist.org/mystory

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi_zkBNDJLU1HPRR80SbXNA

Pray and Wait

Posted on July 27, 2019

As Christian singles, especially single Christian women, we are advised to pray and wait. For every conceivable request, the answer is, and I think will probably always be, pray and wait. God will give you the desires of your heart girl, just pray and wait. He’s going to do it. Don’t give up, keep on praying and waiting. So, what happens when that advice isn’t working?

Advice for Christian Singles

I have even given that advice before. Just hold on to the promise. Don’t lose faith. It will be worth the wait. Keep praying. What no one discusses is the fact that the pray and wait mentality can lead to passivity. It can lead to a bunch of nothing. It can lead to frustrated men and women who are sick and tired of waiting and praying.

I do not believe the intention behind the advice to wait and pray is for the person to just sit back and expect God to do all the work. Nonetheless, it has that effect. People place all the responsibility on God and none on themselves. They get mad at God for not moving on their behalf and jump ahead of Him or abandon His promises altogether.

Talking About Me

Let me be clear when I say people I’m talking about me. I’m people. I thought that praying and waiting literally meant just that. I would pray about a thing, then wait for God to do something. So, I waited and waited. Nothing happened. I prayed again, thinking my prayer wasn’t good enough. Then nothing happened. This process was so frustrating. I decided my faith wasn’t strong enough. 

I prayed again, this time in faith.  Quoting scriptures, and writing declarations, I was so sure God would deliver this time. I was confident. But, nothing happened. Life went on as normal. The problem was that while I was praying and waiting, I wasn’t doing anything. All I did was serve in my church and community.   

Serving

Don’t get me wrong, you’re supposed to get involved in your local church and serve others while you wait. But isn’t that what I should be doing anyway? Regardless of if I’m waiting on God or not, shouldn’t I still be serving Him and His people? 

So, what now? I believe the “pray and wait” advice creates a mentality that the person praying and waiting only has to do these 2 things and whatever they want God will deliver. It makes God into this magical genie that gives you exactly what.

Prayer With Works Is Alive

I’m not discounting prayer or waiting. I believe that God will do what He said He will do. I also believe that I have to do my part. Prayer with works is alive. It’s time to stop placing all of the responsibility, and consequently the blame, on God. He gave us wisdom. He gave us discernment. Why aren’t we using it?  

Waiting is not just about serving. It’s also about expecting the Lord to move.  Waiting is about putting yourself in the position so that when God does move, you’ll be prepared to act. The question is, while you’re waiting in expectation, have you placed yourself in the position for your strength to be renewed? Are you ready to mount up like eagles? Are you ready to run and not get weary? Run and not faint? 

Just Do It

None of those things are passive. These things require movement on your part. Your job in the wait is to know that God will move on your behalf once you move, once you make your faith alive. He will renew your strength as you expect Him to do what He said. Don’t take this as an opportunity to do nothing. God will guide you.  Continue to trust Him.

I’m not against prayer or waiting. In fact, I believe that prayer is one of the most important things we can do. Prayer must spur us into action though. It’s in prayer that God gives us the action plan. It’s in prayer that He shows us what we can do. It’s up to us to actually do it. So, create a plan around that idea God gave you. 

Let’s pray and then act. You want to get married, date. You want to own a business, incorporate with the state. You want another job, start applying. Continue to pray and then be led by the Holy Spirit to move. Allow God to guide your decisions through prayer. His promises are still yes and amen! 

Thanks for following me on my single journey!

-Kim

Recommended Resources

https://www.gotquestions.org/wait-on-the-Lord.html

Related Articles

https://www.singleinchrist.org/?s=obedience

Online Dating

Online Dating: Why I Went Back

Posted on April 26, 2019


I went back to online dating simply because I wanted to date and it’s the easiest way to meet new people. The real question is why did I stop in the first place?

Broken

To answer that question let’s go all the way back to 2012. I was fresh out of a five-year relationship. I was broken-hearted and crushed. I was too through with men and knew I needed time to heal. So, I intentionally took a three-year break from dating. During those three years, I got to know myself and found God for real. He restored me. Then in 2015, I figured I was ready to get back out into the dating world. So, I joined Plenty of Fish (POF).

Exhausted

During the year of 2015, I dated a lot. I went out with everybody who asked. I had no idea how to date. I was talking to about 7 men at once.  I was constantly texting, going out on dates, and talking on the phone with men. It was popping, but I wasn’t having fun. I couldn’t build anything of substance because there were just too many men. I got tired of surface-level conversations. But what else could there be? I literally had no time to interact with any of them on a deeper level.

I quit dating out of pure frustration and exhaustion. I needed a break to rest. I was so tired. During my rest period, I figured that this wasn’t the right way to date. So, I tightened my dating criteria and decided to get back out there.

Restricted

2016 was the year of three bad dates. I refused to go out with just anyone. I was trying to be smart about dating. I wanted marriage and my past method wouldn’t work. So, I wrote a list of 70+ things that I required for a man to have to date me. Problem is that man doesn’t exist. I put so much pressure on myself to find the perfect man, I developed anxiety. The last date I went on that year was horrible. It was so bad I quit dating for almost 2 years. I gave up hope.

Lonely

In 2017 I went on no dates. I was lonely, frustrated, and confused. I thought dating would help bring me out of a slump. Crazy right? So, I joined POF again.  Of course, I only met some rusty, crusty, dusty dudes. I thought maybe my filters weren’t good enough. I reset them and now it was only old men. I didn’t go out with anyone this time. I was done for real this time. I even wrote a long post about how I was done with online dating. But God had other plans.

In 2018 my word for the year was whole, as in becoming a whole person. I took the time to make sure I was really whole and healed. I still had no plans to date though. I was finally happy and whole. Then, in late 2018, God told me He wanted me to write about dating. How could I do that if I was sitting at home alone all the time?

No More Breaks

In late 2018, I joined multiple datings sites, started dating, and haven’t looked back. There won’t be any more breaks from dating. I don’t put so much pressure on myself to meet my husband anymore. It will happen in God’s timing and I’m okay with that. I decided this time would be fun and it has been. Dating multiple men at once is still how I choose to date. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I love it. I’ve learned my limit is two men at once. Being open and honest up front is the key. I’m going to keep dating and having fun until I meet my husband.

The Difference

Here’s the difference between all my other dating experiences and now; I am in control this time. All of those other times, I let the men dictate and control. I stopped doing what I wanted to accommodate them. Looking back, I thought this was the way to keep a man. Now, I feel this dating path is God-ordained. I know this dating period will result in marriage.

Anxiety and nerves used to take over on dates. Having fun and flirting was so far from my mind. I was so focused on finding my husband, I treated men as objects. Now, I date on my terms. My anxiety has dissipated. Dating can be fun and holy. While I dated multiple men, there’s been no kissing, no hugging, and barely any hand-holding. Full transparency though, I’m only dating one man now and we hug, hold hands, and have the occasional kiss. It’s still on my terms and we still keep it holy.

What Now?

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to trust God and enjoy the process. Online dating isn’t for everybody. God had to change my mindset before it worked for me. I had to let go of a lot of old ideas and be sure of what I wanted before I could date. I pray God gives you that same freedom whether you date online or meet men in real life. I pray you don’t give up as easily as I did either. The journey can be just as rewarding as the destination. As always, thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. Be sure to be let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do!

-Kim

P.S. I only started dating one guy two weeks ago. He’s the same guy that wants to be exclusive. He keeps asking to meet my support system and I kept stalling. I finally invited him to church because that’s the easiest way to meet everyone. I’ll keep you all posted.