Category:

Healing

My Story

Posted on January 18, 2019

Today I want to tell you a little more about me. It’s only been 1.5 years since I have really accepted myself. It has taken most of my life to believe that I was beautiful or worthy of love. This has been a long journey, so let’s go back to the beginning.

The Beginning

When I was a little girl, I never really thought about my physical appearance. I imagine I was like most other little girls. My only concerns were making sure I did what I had to do so I could go play and have fun.

I spent my summer days with my grandmother. One summer day when I was around 8 years old, my care-free days came to a crashing halt.

Some event was taking place that day and the entire family was at my grandmother’s house. I ran into her house, happy yet exhausted from a full day of playing outside.

I don’t remember what I was doing or saying. Nothing stands out in my mind as to why my close adult relative pulled me to the side and called me fat and ugly.

I do remember how I felt just after hearing those words; crushed. My feelings were really hurt. I told another adult and the response was, well lose weight then.

What I heard was, you are ugly, but at least you can change it.

I must deserve this. If two grown people think this it must be true. What I feel about myself no longer matters.

The Result

Several things happened in that moment.

  1. I believed it.
  2. My feelings weren’t validated.
  3. I began to internalize things and not speak.
  4. I stopped believing the positive things people said about me.
  5. My cycle of low self-esteem and self-worth began.
  6. I felt unloved.

The Cycle Begins

From that point on, I literally hated looking in the mirror. I felt bad that other people had to look at me.

So as I matured and become a teenager, imagine my surprise when I notice boys are starting to look at me. By this point, I was so desperate for validation, I take to whoever calls me beautiful.

I choose who to date based on how beautiful they think I am. So starts the cycle of me choosing the wrong men.  I required them to spend all of their time with me. They had to constantly tell me how pretty I was. That’s how I felt love.

If they didn’t affirm me it was a problem. I needed constant validation. Why were they with me? What else did I have to offer?

It didn’t matter that I had graduated from law school and passed the bar by the age of 24. My accomplishments meant nothing because of how I viewed myself.

How I looked or dressed didn’t matter because what was the point? I just didn’t care. After the end of my 5-year relationship I hit rock-bottom.

Although I knew I couldn’t marry him, I had thoughts that no one will ever want me again. I’m still not pretty enough, I’m still not valuable enough. No one cares about what I think, feel, or what I have to say.

Healing

Then my true healing began. I have talked about this period a lot, but I never shared the impetus of the pain. That’s why I’m quiet. That’s why I pushed people away. I’m glad God showed the root cause, so I can heal properly.

This is what led me to God and to Him affirming me and validating me. It still took some time for me to really believe that I was valuable and loved.

I constantly prayed for God to love me, not knowing that He always had and always will. That nothing will separate me from His love. I prayed for things that I already had.

That’s why I say feelings aren’t facts. It took me until I was almost 32 years old to feel confident in myself. To know that I don’t need the validation of others to function.

My voice matters and what I have to say is important. It took me to do a podcast and blog to realize that people do want to hear what I have to say.

My confidence doesn’t come from anyone else. It only comes from God.

The Other Side

It was a long and painful process, but I made it. I am decidedly on the other side. Praise God!

Now I don’t have to make decisions from a broken place. I choose who to date based not on how good they think I look but based on their character.

While I appreciate compliments, I don’t need them anymore. I truly desire a a man who will love God more than he will ever love me. I realize that it’s not all about me.

The confidence I have now, God gave it to me. He gave me a peace and love that I have never known before. I’m excited to see what God has in store because it can only get better from here.

Remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything you do!

-Kim

    Maybe It’s You…

    Posted on October 13, 2018

    Maybe it’s you. Let’s consider for a moment that you are the reason you are single. Maybe it’s not because all men or women are trash. Maybe it’s not God. Maybe we are blocking our own blessings.

    Let me get personal for a minute. Maybe I’m the reason I’m single. I have to take an honest look at myself. In which areas could I improve?

    I’m a horrible flirter. I take things too literally. I often can’t tell when someone is interested in or flirting with me. I give direct answers to flirty questions. I always think people are being nice, not flirty.  Men walk away without my number assuming I wasn’t interested. My friends have to tell me when someone flirting with me.

    I don’t really go out. Most of the time I’m tired from work or church and when I get some time to myself, I want to spend it resting. How can I meet someone when I’m at home alone so much?

    Do I even really know what I’m looking for in a future spouse. I always say things like he should have a good sense of humor and be a man of God, but what do those things really mean?

    Do I want him to be funny or just know how to take a joke? Do I just want him to go to church or do I want him to have a relationship with Christ?

    Am I still bitter from past relationships? Do I make the new men pay for what the old man did? Have I really forgiven my ex like I thought I did? I still have trust issues. I’m not sure I believe that a man will be faithful.

    Let’s go a bit deeper. Am I being obedient to God’s word and His will? Does my daily walk look like I’m a follower of Christ? Am I willing to serve and be supportive?

    Can I be selfless and forgiving? Am I prepared to let someone else have a say in my decisions other than God?

    Or maybe I’m fantastic and I just haven’t met the right man yet. Either way, I want to remove everything that will keep me out of God’s will.

    I am going to be a full participant in my marriage and I don’t want anything in me to hinder it. Moreover, I don’t want anything in me to hinder any blessing God has for me.

    So, I’m taking the last quarter of 2018 to focus on becoming whole. I still desire marriage. By focusing on my own healing, wholeness, and deliverance I’ll just be better prepared for it.

    I’m not perfect and I’m not expecting my husband to be either. I am going to keep pushing to be a better version of me though. Not for my husband, but to please God. I want everything He placed in me to be poured out.

    I believe it’s time for us to focus on becoming whole and satisfied by ourselves. God is faithful even in our singleness. After all, the goal isn’t marriage. The ultimate goal is to get to heaven and I’m determined to get there.

    Watch the latest podcast episode: Why Celibacy?

    Keep The Faith Part 2

    Posted on July 20, 2018

    Last week I posted about an encounter I had with an older woman who lost her faith in being married. The reason her story resonated with me is that I was once in that place. My faith in God wavered in many areas especially the area of getting married.

    I feared that I would marry the wrong person. I convinced myself that I would marry an unfaithful man that really didn’t like me. I couldn’t shake the fear that I would marry this awful man who fooled me in the beginning and then revealed his true nature after marriage.

    I thought if this is what I’m destined for, why get married at all? Why should I hope and have faith in God for something that would destroy me? I decided to just be that great friend who is always single or that fantastic aunt that gives her nieces and nephews the best gifts because she didn’t have any kids of her own.

    I suspect the fear came from past relationships where I felt it started out wonderfully, then turned horrible. I couldn’t see anything else for myself. I forgot that faith isn’t about what I see. That fear developed into doubt. I didn’t trust God. I didn’t believe He could do what He promised.

    I convinced myself that I didn’t even want a husband or kids. There weren’t any male prospects around me. I felt really lonely and bad about myself. I lost hope. I stopped praying because I didn’t think God heard me. I honestly thought He was punishing me for mistakes I made in the past. Instead of turning to God and casting my cares on Him so He can exalt me at the proper time, I turned to myself. I created a vision for my life that didn’t include the will of God.

    I lost hope for the better part of a year. I literally felt like His grace left me. I felt like I was on my own, forever. It was a terrible feeling.  I doubted Him and forgot His promises. I forgot that He told me that I will be a wife and mother. I forgot He told me that grace is a gift from Him that I can’t earn. I forgot that nothing can separate me from His love. I forgot that the will of God is pleasing, good, and perfect. I forgot that the blessings of the Lord make me rich and won’t give me any sorrow.  I lost sight of Him. I allowed my emotions to rule me.

    Instead of loving God with all of my mind, heart, and soul, I loved only myself. I put on the appearance of a Christian without living the lifestyle. I know all the churchy buzzwords to make it seem like I’m fantastic. Thank God that He knows my heart. He knew the pain and hopelessness I felt. He restored me. He gave me an unshakable faith in Him by sending people to speak life over me.

    He sent His people to remind me of His promises. He told me that marriage is in His will for my life. He told me that I will be happy and loved. He told me that I am lovable. He told me that I will be a mother. He told me that He didn’t give me the spirit of fear. I chose to believe Him. I asked Him for forgiveness and to renew my mind. Renewal is a process.

    I still have to tell myself daily that I trust in the Lord and in His timing. I still have to tell myself that I am a wife and mother. Notice that I use the present tense. I have to see myself as God sees me. He sees my entire future and I believe that in His perfect timing I will be a wife and mother. I believe that I am and will be happy.

    I see now that loving and trusting God is a daily (or more often) choice. I choose to trust Him. I choose to pray and be honest about how I’m feeling. I choose to have daily affirmations that remind me of His promises for my life. I choose to remain in fellowship with those that speak life over me and remind me to keep God first.

    If you have ever lost hope, my prayer is that this encourages you to seek God. Be honest with how and why you’re feeling the way you are. God hasn’t left you. He’s not punishing you for anything. I pray you are able to feel how much He loves you. I pray He sends angels to encircle you and encourage you. I pray that you surround yourself with people who will speak life into you if you’re struggling to believe. I’m a living witness that you can be restored. Your faith can increase. I pray that you are encouraged and continue to keep the faith.

    Heavenly Father,

    I praise You in advance for Your will being done in our lives. Thank You for every promise that You have spoken over us. I choose to cast down doubt and fear and live in the power and love that You have given us. I choose to trust You, Lord. I choose to seek You diligently. I choose to put You first in every area of my life. Renew our mind,  Lord. Help us to have the attitude and mind of Christ. Thank You Holy Spirit, for leading and guiding us into all truth. 

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen. 

    Mark 11:22-24 (NIV)

    22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

    Insecurities

    Posted on April 20, 2018

    Ever since I was a small child I have struggled with insecurities. I don’t remember if it was one specific event or a series of events, but as far back as I can remember I’ve been very insecure. I remember thinking I was ugly and unwanted. I felt like if I disappeared no one would care or even be affected. I battled these feelings until my mid to late twenties.

    As a result of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness, I closed myself off. I became a loner and a people pleaser so that I wouldn’t get hurt. I never got too close to anyone because I didn’t want to feel the pain of rejection. The people I let get a little closer to me, I constantly tried to please.

    I didn’t want my assumptions about people to be correct. I didn’t want to be hurt or rejected. The only way I knew how to not be hurt was to distance myself from people. I kept everyone at least an arm’s length distance from me. Which is just close enough for me to have the illusion of a relationship, but still far away enough that they wouldn’t know me enough to hurt me.

    I felt like people never really understood me. But looking back, how could they? I was caught in this vicious cycle of longing for acceptance and understanding, but too fearful of the hurt to allow someone close enough to accept or understand me. This cycle went on for years. I just couldn’t seem to break it. In my early twenties, I accepted the fact that this would be my life.

    Mind you I have been in church all of my life. I should have known the promises of God. I should have known what He thinks about me and how much He loves me. But I didn’t. That’s my own fault. I had access to the King and His kingdom my entire life but I didn’t take advantage. I didn’t put in the effort to simply enter in and experience His grace and loving mercy. I didn’t take the time to get to know God through our Savior and bask in His presence.

    So I kept battling these insecurities and feelings of low self-esteem. Then came college. I thought that this would be the best opportunity for me to start over. I moved to a new place where people didn’t know me and I could hide how I really felt about myself. I put on a brave face and pretended like I was confident.

    It worked for a while, at least I thought so. Looking back, I still had insecure tendencies. I still craved the acceptance of people. I still sought to please people in order to gain their approval. Those same thoughts and feelings were still lurking under the surface.

    Though I presented to the world that I was confident, I think my new found freedom helped me to mask those feelings of insecurity better. No healing had taken place. No true deliverance occurred. I just became a master at pushing what I really felt down and away. I was living a facade.

    Those deep-seeded feeling of insecurity and low self-esteem caused me to make bad decisions. I was making life decisions from a wounded place. My need for approval and my hurt and pain from perceived rejection got me into some pretty sticky situations. It’s only by the grace of God that I didn’t end up diseased, pregnant, or seriously injured.

    By this time I’m nearing the end of college and I get into this relationship. I thought that this would be the answer to everything. I thought this relationship would finally heal me. Needless to say, it didn’t. The relationship only exposed my false confidence and it brought up all those insecurities I tried to hide. When someone wants to be that close to you, it’s hard to keep on the mask.

    Fast forward five years and the relationship is over. I was alone, aloof, and distraught. I spiraled deeper and deeper into the already dark and discouraged recesses of my mind. I allowed those feelings to take a stronghold in my life and believed they were true. I believed what those thoughts said about me.

    At this time when I envisioned my future, I saw a dark and lonely place. I saw a literal cloud hanging above me for the rest of my life. I didn’t think anything would ever lift me from this fog. I actually believed that there was no hope for me. That’s when I had my come to Jesus moment.

    Through much prayer, tears, and counseling I learned how to fight against those thoughts. I learned that I don’t have to push the thoughts and feelings down. I have permission to feel. I can feel them and then push them away. Just because the thought came doesn’t mean it has to stay. I have control over what happens in my mind.

    Though less frequent, the thoughts do still come. But instead of dwelling on them and believing them, I tell myself the truth about who I am and about whose I am.  I have a wall of affirmations that I say aloud every day. I put them up in my room, on my computer at work, and on my phone so that I have a constant reminder.

    I admit I didn’t believe them at first. I had to say them with tears streaming down my face, but I still said them. I repeated these affirmations over and over until I received them in my heart. I often say them while I’m looking in the mirror because I need to see myself saying something positive about me. The affirmations remind me that I am somebody and my hope and confidence are in Jesus.

    Here are a few of the affirmations I say daily:

    I decree and declare that my words have power.

    I believe that which I speak will manifest.

    I speak with expectation.

    I am more than a conqueror through Jesus.

    I am smart, beautiful, and I make wise decisions.

    I trust God and His timing.

    I am happy, whole, and confident in the woman God has created me to be.

    I am worthy.

    I am valuable.

    I am loved, loving, and lovable.

    I have a lot more on my wall of affirmation. Reaching this point didn’t happen overnight. I started with a few affirmations that I would say and now I have 4 poster boards full. That old pain helped to push me into my purpose. It pushed me closer to God.

    Your testimony may be different than mine, but I’m here to tell you that there is an after this. Seek God and He will provide healing and restoration. He rewards those that diligently seek Him. Your sense of self should not depend on what the world says you are or aren’t. Your self-esteem should only come from who you are in Christ.

    Our Father,

    Allow us to see who we are in You. Do not let us be fooled or tricked by the enemy. We believe what You say about us. We believe that we are etched in the palm of Your hand. We believe that we are loved and that nothing will ever separate us from Your love. We believe that You have deemed us worthy and valuable and that You do not lie. Thank You, God, for deliverance, healing, and restoration. Thank You, for making our stone hearts into flesh. Help us be confident in who we are in You.

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen.

     

    Luke 12:7 (ESV)

    Why even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.

    Check out the latest podcast episode: Insecurities

    Why Am I Still Single?

    Posted on December 8, 2017

    I’m still single because I am a happy, whole, and confident woman. I am complete by myself and I am totally satisfied waiting on whomever God has for me. I refuse to settle for just any old person. I want the fullness of God’s promises and that includes whomever I marry.

    Now that the holiday season is upon us, this is the answer I give to all of those nosy well-meaning relatives.  It’s always asked with such disdain as if something is wrong with me. So, I came up with an answer that would allow them to know I’m not afflicted with some rare disease. I’m satisfied being single.

    While that answer sounds good and is essentially true, I can’t help but wonder what’s the hold-up? What is this waiting period really for? Have I missed the person I was to marry? Am I causing this period to be longer than necessary? Or is it that God has some great destiny for me and I need this time to define myself? 

    In all honesty, the answer is it’s a lot of me and a little of God. Maybe I messed up with the person I am supposed to be with because I was in my flesh and didn’t find him attractive. I probably held on too long to unforgiveness and it turned to bitterness and no one finds that attractive. I may not have let my heart be as open to love as it could have been.

    God has some work to do on me and I’m willing to let Him do it. So, I do need this time to become better. Yes, I’m complete, whole, and happy but, I could be more forgiving. I could love people more. I need more discipline. Do I have to be perfect to get married? Is that why I’m still single? I don’t think so. No one is perfect. Every one of us has flaws and kinks that need to be worked out.

    Marriage is not some great prize or reward I get for doing good things, for being a good Christian. I understand that. I try not to think about marriage that way, but it’s hard not to sometimes. I totally get that my reward is in heaven. I live for Christ because I truly believe His will is what’s best for my life. I know that I need Him to make it through any situation in which I find myself.

    I know His grace is sufficient; that contentment is the goal for every aspect of my life.  But how can I ever truly be content if a long-held desire is not fulfilled? I know God put the desire there. I always heard that my husband will come once I’m content with just me and Jesus. It’s always been me and Jesus, and I really do love Him. How much more content do I need to be?

    The dictionary defines content as, “in a state of peaceful happiness; satisfied; glad.”* The Greek dictionary defines the word content as, “self-sufficient, adequate, needing no assistance.”* That puts a different spin on it. Needing no assistance is definitely different from peaceful happiness. I was thinking of contentment as being happy when it’s really just leaning on Christ for strength for everything. Whether I’m single or married, I need to be content.

    I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining, or woe is me, I’m sad and single. That’s not the case. I am quite satisfied. My life is good. I’m learning and growing every day. As for my husband coming when I’m totally content, maybe that’s true. I don’t know. I’ll tell you if or when that happens. One thing I know, that it will happen in God’s timing and I will rely on Him to give me strength in the mean-time.

    I know that when I put Him first, all the other pieces will fall into place. I’ll just wait on God and get closer to Him. I’ll learn to trust Him more, especially with matters of the heart. Prayerfully I’ll have fewer days like this. I will focus on what I do have, which is every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. I have amazing friends and family. I have a good life with few major responsibilities. I get to sleep late on Saturdays. I’m so thankful that God puts up with me. He’s wonderfully kind, patient, and tolerant. I really am blessed.

    Heavenly Father,

    Thank You, for blessing me abundantly. Help me to focus on what I have. Help me to put Your kingdom above all else so that You can give me everything I need. Thank You for the strength You give so that I can do everything through Christ. You are my keeper. You are my refuge. I place my trust in You, Lord. Have Your way in all areas of my life. I surrender my will to Yours. I will look to my future with confident assurance because You sustain me. 

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen. 

    Philippians 4:11-13 (NLT)

    11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

    *dictionary.com

    * page 47, Greek Dictionary of the New Testament, The New Strong’s Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible.

    Healing From A Broken Heart

    Posted on December 1, 2017

    I know the pain of a broken heart. The despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to; no one who could understand what I felt. I’m here to encourage you. You’re not alone. There is an after-this. There is hope. You can heal from a broken heart.

    Healing from a broken heart requires you to first process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry, others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart and it hurts. It’s OK to hurt, just don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can hear what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.

    Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it, or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God. Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.

    In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. You will be fully healed when you forgive one who hurt you. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Why should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. Believe me,  I struggled with this the most. It seems like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.

    In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. Forgiveness cannot be done in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. In order to forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it and He did the same for you. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the mercy and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

    Healing is a process and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but you were not destroyed. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, you will be happy, whole, and completely healed. You will love again and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet and He never will.

    Heavenly Father,

    You are a healer. I pray that you come into my heart and heal every wound and every broken thing. You are close to the brokenhearted. You rescue those whose spirits are crushed (Psalm 34:18). I am in need of rescue Lord. I cry out to You Lord. I’m looking to You for help so that I may be radiant with joy (Psalm 34:5). Help me to remember all that You have done for me, all the mercy you have so graciously bestowed upon me. Give me the compassion and mercy I need to forgive. Help me to forgive the person and not judge their actions. Help me to keep my mind fixed on you and stay in your perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3).

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen.

    2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT)

    We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

     

    Falling Short

    Posted on November 10, 2017

    Lately, I’ve been feeling like all I want to do is please You, God, but I’m falling woefully short. I feel so inadequate. I know who You are and who I am in You, but for some reason, my head isn’t connecting to my heart.  Help me to receive it.  I want to soak in You so that I can pour You out to those who desperately seek You. Your presence is here. I invite You into my heart. I’m still available to use if You’re still willing to use me.

    Open my heart. I need You. Help me to rest with You. Holy Spirit, help me to remember God’s grace and mercy are new each day. Though I fall, His grace bestows unmerited favor on me. When I turn to Him, He makes me right in His sight. He knows me, sees me, and cares about me. Help me to remember how far I’ve come.  It’s with His words I want to speak. I won’t be afraid to do what He’s called me to do. I won’t be ashamed. I won’t be distracted.

    I am gifted and purposed. I will fulfill the purpose God has put on my life. I will remember His promises and stand in agreement with them. I will be patient and wait on the Lord. I will let the Lord complete His perfect work.  I cast down every vain imagination and every high thought that comes against the knowledge of God. I command my thoughts into the obedience of God. I have to be available and open to what God has for me. I will remember that I am worthy because God says that I am.

    I must die to myself so that Christ can live in me. Holy Spirit, give me ears to hear what the Lord is saying. Forgive me, Father, for not always doing things Your way. Help me to honestly repent. Help me to let go of those things that are not from You. It is my sincere prayer that I am pleasing to You, Father. I cannot do this in my own strength. It’s only in Your strength that I am able to do anything. The accuser is conquered by the blood of the lamb,  the word of my testimony, and by me not loving my own life unto death.

    Heavenly Father, 

    I’m leaning on You to guide me through. I am grateful for Your provision, Father. I trust in You. I cannot afford to miss where You are leading me any longer. I need to move with You and the Holy Spirit. Please guide me to where You need me to be. Help me to combat feelings of inadequacy with the truth. I am worthy. I am in right standing with You because Jesus died for me and now sits at Your right-hand interceding on my behalf. Let Your will be done in my life Lord. 

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen.

    Romans 3:23-24 (NLT)

    For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

    Vulnerable

    Posted on November 3, 2017

    God, I am diligently seeking You. You are my best friend and my greatest love. Thank You, Father, for blessing me beyond measure. My spirit rejoices in You. I rejoice in You. Help me to to be the way You want me to be. Help me to operate in a new mindset. Holy Spirit, help me to see clearly what You have for me. I want to rely totally on You, Lord. I want Your will to be done. Help me to give You my entire heart. God, I need You to help me tear down the walls around my heart. Help me to be vulnerable. Help me to love completely and truly. Help me to let go of past hurts.

    I don’t want to push away any more people because something they said or did reminds me of a past hurt.  Help me to forgive as I have been forgiven. Help me to face the pain and overcome the hurt. Why do I hold on so tightly to things I should have let go many years ago? I know that I’m already healed. I’m already victorious and successful in You. What is still holding me back from your promises? You want me to be vulnerable and I’m being disobedient. Lead me where I need to go, Lord so that I’m comfortable showing my insecurities.  If I ever want to love again, I must open my heart. Why is this so hard for me? Would I rather never love again just so I won’t be hurt again?

    I want to love and be loved. God, remove this wall. No matter how painful, or how much I cry and beg, please remove this wall erected around my heart. I need to feel again.  Remove this mask of propriety from me. Help me to stop hiding behind holiness and sanctification. I’m broken and I’m a mess. Not as broken as I used to be, but broken nonetheless. Is it fear that is holding me back from being vulnerable and open? Fear of intimacy and vulnerability? I’m so afraid to express what’s deep in my soul. What if it’s too much or not enough? Why am I so beholden to what others may think of me? I need to be free of other’s people’s opinions. Your opinion is the only one that matters. Help me to walk in the liberty of Jesus.

    Set me free, Lord.  Help me to walk in victory. Help me to trust You enough to let it all go. I don’t want to be burdened any longer. You said to come to You all who are weary and burdened and You will give them rest. I’m coming to You, Lord so that I may rest. I’m coming to You, Lord so that I can be free. I need to be free so that I can help others be free in You. This stage of vulnerability is scary. I have no idea what to expect. I’ve never done this before. So God, please remove the walls from my heart. I don’t want anything holding me back from Your promises.

    Give me wisdom. You have something You need me to do. I’m a willing vessel, empty me out and pour You in.  I will be obedient. I will go where the Holy Spirit leads me. Even though I can’t see the next step, I will still rejoice. I will trust the Lord. I will be open and vulnerable. Fear shall not be my deterrent any longer! I won’t stop because of fear. I have to keep going, keep pushing, keep living, and keep pressing.

    Heavenly Father,

    Thank You, for the Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to break through whatever is in me so that You can get all the glory. You heal the broken-hearted. I walk in that healing. Lord, help me to feed your sheep. Help me to love unequivocally again. I desire to be led by You in every circumstance. Help me to be content in every situation. Help me to let go and let You have control. Help me to guard my heart, not build a wall around it. I give my heart to You, God. I trust You. Give me wisdom and discernment on whom to trust. Help me to be vulnerable and open so that Your will shall be done in the earth.

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen.

    Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)

    Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

    Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

    Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

    Psalm 147:3 (NLT)

     He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds.

    The 23rd Psalm

    Posted on October 27, 2017

    I’ve been feeling a little low and discouraged. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I know I shouldn’t be led by my emotions, but I’m tired. Tired of feeling unworthy, impatient, unfocused, distracted, and lost. I was seeking God for some comfort and He led me to the 23rd Psalm. This is a very familiar and popular psalm written by David. Although I have read this particular psalm it seems like a thousand times, a recent worship experience has allowed me to look at it again and see how comforting this psalm really is.

    The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. The Shepherd is the one who watches, protects, guides, and leads.  He provides everything I need. I shall lack no good thing. He alone meets my every need.

    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. Only in Him are we able to rest. The rest will be productive, refreshing, and will renew me. He leads me, which will result in progress, but only if I follow. God leads the way to quietness, abundance, peace, and to life.

    He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. God continuously and instantly restores my soul, once I make the decision to follow Him. Success is guaranteed because I’m walking in His name. I’m in Him and He cannot fail, therefore I cannot fail.  I’m in right standing with Him because I’ve made the decision to allow Him to lead me. 

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Following the Lord isn’t a guarantee of easy paths. I will still have to walk through a valley. I may have to be surrounded and hedged in by a very real presence of danger. Not only is there a danger, but there is the shadow of death. Death is the ultimate evil and defeat. It’s just the shadow though, which means that it’s real and near. But if there is a shadow, there means there must be a light. Jesus is that light. I don’t have to face death because Jesus defeated death for us all. Yet, I’m still walking through the valley. This means this valley isn’t the destination or dwelling place.  It’s just a place I have to go through. It isn’t the end, it’s part of the journey. The valley experience will not be pleasant, but His gentle pushing and prodding will comfort and protect me. I don’t have to be afraid in the valley. I’m still being led by God, He is with me in the valley.

    Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Even when I’m surrounded on all sides by people who mean me harm, as long as I’m in right standing with God, He’ll provide for me. He’ll prepare a table just for me so I can feast and enjoy His graciousness and abundance.  I don’t have to worry, hurry, or even fight. I can eat of God’s abundance in peace in front of the people who want to destroy me. He will dignify me, make sure I’m treated with respect despite the dangers. I’m refreshed and renewed and provided for abundantly.

    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.   I can live in faithful expectation that for the rest of my life God’s goodness and mercy is for me and those who come after me. I can enjoy the presence of the Lord now and forever. From here to eternity I am reassured that He is with me and I’m with Him. Though I may not always do or say the right thing, I can count on His mercy always being with me. I can expect healing and forgiveness from God as long as I abide in Him and follow Him where He leads me. 

    Our Father,

    I bind every distraction, fear, and feeling of unworthiness. I let loose Your peace, love, joy, and abundance. You are my shepherd and I choose to follow You every day of my life. I desire to seek the things of You Lord. Thank You, Father, for Your word. Thank You for the encouragement and hope it gives. Let me think on things that are pure, praiseworthy, and holy so that I can do Your will. Allow me to remember how much You care for me in trying times. Allow me to remember that only in You will l find rest. You meet my every need and allow me to walk without fear of any adversary. I lack no good thing in You, God. In You, I’m righteous, successful, respected, restored, renewed, loved, and comforted. When I’m in the valley and faced with enemies, help me to stay in right relationship with You. You have already defeated my enemies. I don’t have to fight. Help me to abide in You so that I may dwell with You forever. Thank You, God, that Your goodness and mercy are for me and for the generations to come. Help me to live a life worthy of You and the calling You have placed on my life. 

    In Jesus’ name,

    Amen.