Category:

Gratitude

Taking Up Space

Taking Up Space

Posted on October 31, 2020

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What does taking up space mean? It means being my authentic self unapologetically. For me, it means saying what I want and what I mean. It means taking up the entire space that God so graciously gave me. Why haven’t I been doing this? Because I was told not to. Maybe not explicitly, but definitely by disapproving looks, and well-meaning advice on how to be and do better.

This advice, while I’m certain wasn’t intended to cause harm, caused me to not fully bloom into who God called me to be.  As I grew into a woman, recurring instances of not being heard when I expressed myself only reinforced the notion that I shouldn’t be myself. I gleaned from my experiences that who I really am isn’t desirable, in any form.  So, in response, I shrank. I made myself small so I could fit in and be desirable.

Shrink.

Shrinking feels exactly like it sounds. It’s tight, hard to breathe, and uncomfortable. There’s never an instance where I could or even would take a deep breath and be free. It’s incredibly isolating. Loneliness was a constant companion. There isn’t much room to move and make waves, so each thought is held captive until there’s absolutely no more room. The release isn’t gentle though. It’s an explosion, oftentimes unwarranted for small matters toward people who didn’t deserve that type of reaction.

Honestly, it had nothing to do with them. It had to do with the position I willingly put myself in. So many people had control over me and my decisions. Instead of relying on the intuition that God gave me through His Holy Spirit, I trusted what everyone else said about me. I never dared to believe that it wasn’t true. I allowed them to label who I am. As a result, I lived and died by other’s expectations. Yet, I am more than they could ever see.

Expand.

The expectation of others is smothering. I’m sure that most, if not all, intended to help me, but their expectations only served to help me suffocate slowly. So, now it’s time to take up the full space that God has given me to occupy. Now, it’s time to finally breathe. But, what does that look like? It looks like me saying what God has told me to say. It looks like me living the abundant life Yeshua Christ gave me to live. This life is braver, bolder, happier, and unapologetically mine. No more time for excuses and no more condemnation. At last, I am able to fully expand and take up every inch of the life God gave me.

Embrace and Enjoy.

So now it’s time to embrace and enjoy this life. God taught me that there is always hope. As long as I continue to trust Him, there is always a plan for me to prosper. While the journey may be hard at times, I’m determined to embrace it and enjoy it. It’s time to do what God has specifically placed me on this earth to do. Taking up space requires us to live differently than we have before. Let’s follow the paths God planned and have fun doing it. There is no reason to cower in fear because of the victory we have in Yeshua Christ. We are all on a journey. Why not embrace it, enjoy it, and take up all of the space we’re given?

Thank you for joining me on this journey through singleness!

Kim

Recommended Resources:

www.singleinchrist.org

www.gotquestions.org

Bible Study

Following Instructions: A Bible Study

Posted on September 14, 2020

A lot of times I wondered how to follow God’s instructions. Following God seems like it should be simple, do what He says and it will be fine. If only it were that simple. Many things can get in the way of doing what God says. Distractions are plentiful. But the first step in following God’s instructions is to ensure we are hearing from God. Let’s look at Proverbs 4:20-27 to guide us.

My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words.

Proverbs 4:20

Hear

We first must turn our ears to His words. His word is scripture. All scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

We can compare all thoughts against the scripture to ensure that we are really hearing from God. If what we heard doesn’t give life and health or train in righteousness, then we can rest assured that it was not God. If what you heard aligns with the scripture then you’re hearing from God. This begs the question, who and what are we listening to? What’s in our hearts?

Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:21-23

Heart

When we listen to His words we can then keep them within our heart. There’s a promise here. Keeping God’s word within our hearts is life and health to our whole body. In Matthew Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. That’s why it’s important to guard our hearts. It’s the key to life and health. Everything we do flows from it. A tree is determined by its fruit. What is the overflow of our heart saying? What fruit is coming out of our mouths?

Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.

Proverbs 4:24-25

Speak and See

When the heart is full of what God says, then the flow will be righteous, good, and full of hope. It will be free from perversity and corrupt talk. Then, you’ll see clearly the straight path. What you say affects what you see. If you speak things of God, you will see and clearly follow things of God. There is power of life and death in the tongue. Those who love its use will eat its fruit. Look around. Can you see life?

What are the people around you saying? Are they speaking the truth? For instance, have you ever turned down the radio so you can see clearly where to go? Or stopped talking in order to concentrate better.  Our mouths can distract us from what we need to see. How do we view ourselves and others? What have our mouths said that will make us view things differently than they are?

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Provers 4:26-27

Walk Righteously

When we see clearly, we can then place our feet firmly on the path God has for us. We will be sure of the way to go and won’t have a need to turn in any direction except towards God. However, it all starts with hearing from God. Our hearing impacts the entire body. If we don’t hear correctly, then it’s a slippery slope to not being on the path God laid out for us. So, let’s take out time and ensure we are hearing from God by studying the scriptures. 

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness

Kim

almost doesn't count

Almost Doesn’t Count

Posted on August 22, 2020

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There have been a lot of almosts in my life lately. I was almost in a relationship. I almost had a job I wanted. Unfortunately, almost doesn’t count. Being so close and so far away at the same time is an interesting predicament.

I’m tired of almost. It feels like failure. So many failures in such a short period seem unfair. I know what God says about me. He says that I’m more than an overcomer. He says that in Him, I have the victory. His word calls me chosen, loved, victorious, wonderful, and valuable. Scripture His word says that He’ll give me peace that surpasses all understanding, and He’ll be close to me when I’m brokenhearted. 

Yet, it’s hard to remember all that when all I can see are the failures of almost successes piling up around me. It’s hard to see the victory in Jesus when what I feel is the pain of another no. I understand that everyone goes through this. I’m supposed to rejoice during trials because it will produce character, patience, faith, and a hope that doesn’t disappoint. So, why do I still feel this way?

How do I overcome the disappointment of these scenarios that almost worked out didn’t. Where can I gather my strength and rejoice when I feel so weak again? I still pray and rely on God. My hope comes from Him. Relying on God is much easier to say than to do. Pain has a way of overshadowing everything. Thanks be to God that He always hears. Amid my tear-filled prayers, He always sends an answer.

He reminded me to be grateful. Instead of thinking about what didn’t work, I started thinking about what is working. I filled my thoughts with gratitude for all that He has done. For every one thing I perceived to be horrible, I realized there are at least 2-3 things that amazing. Gratitude changed my perspective from almost doesn’t count to better is coming.

I encourage you to think about things that are good, praiseworthy, excellent, and holy. Then be grateful for what you have and what is coming. Because in God, there is always better. Those opportunities that God has for me will not pass by me. His promises won’t pass you by either. Take heart, although almost doesn’t count, in God, nothing is in vain. Not even your pain.

Thanks for joining me through my journey through singleness,

 Kim

single after 30

Single After 30

Posted on July 18, 2020

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So, you’re single after 30 and still not married. You may be feeling societal or familial pressure at this point. Or you may hear your biological clock ticking louder and louder as the days go by. If you’re like me, you’re probably tired of the ever-ubiquitous questions regarding your dating life.  I know it’s tiring and frustrating. So let me ask you a question.

How Are You?

How are you doing? It’s okay to admit how you are feeling about being single. Also, take the time to examine why you’re feeling that way. Make sure your feelings are not from any outside pressure. Your feelings should reflect on what you desire. Are you enjoying the single life? The season of singleness is the perfect opportunity to live out what God has called you to do. Now is the time to have fun and become the person you are supposed to be. There is no need to wait for a relationship to begin living.

Your life should be full outside of a relationship. If you are unhappy, there is still time to change it.  The journey is just as rewarding as the destination. This is also a time to examine if you want marriage. The truth is, not all of God’s children will get married. It’s also okay to desire marriage. But wallowing in self-pity or replaying past love stories isn’t the way to get there. Begin enjoying your life. What are you waiting for?

Past Relationships

Do you ever find yourself thinking about past relationships and playing the what-if game? If I had only done this, or if he had done that I would be married by now. That’s a dangerous game to play because unless it was a horrific abuse-filled relationship, we tend to romanticize the past a bit. The past is the past for a reason. Honestly, is there anyone in your past that would have said yes to? If so, why aren’t you all together now?

Something happened to cause the relationship to end. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was you. Did either of you have the emotional maturity or communication skills to sustain the relationship until now? There is nothing wrong with looking in the past to get a reference for how far you’ve come or to look at the lessons learned. However, don’t live there. If there isn’t anyone who you would have said yes to, forge ahead. Either way, the best is yet to come. 

Continue Working on Yourself

By working on yourself I don’t mean strive for perfection. Perfection is not a requirement in this life. It’s also not a requirement for marriage. If it was, no one would be married. Reject the notion of perfection and embrace excellence. Become the best you possible. If that means getting out of debt or living a healthier lifestyle, do it. Operating in a spirit of excellence doesn’t require a partner. You can do it while still single.

You’ll be doing this even after marriage so go ahead and get into the practice of examining your mindset and life. Some areas may need work, others may not. Continue to work on your communication skills. Start the business you always wanted. Become proud of who you are and the life you’re living. If you desire marriage, this will only make you more attractive to your potential mate.

Who are You Attracting?

We all have a type.  A preference for the type of person we want to date and eventually marry. That type isn’t necessarily who we are attracting. I don’t believe you attract who you are. We attract all types of people. It’s up to us to use our God-given discernment and wisdom to determine who to say yes to. The better question is who are you saying yes to? There is no obligation to enter into a relationship with any person that approaches. Test the spirit by the spirit. Only say yes to those people who God says yes to also.

In truth, the people we enter into relationship with are a reflection of us. Why would you enter into any type of relationship with a dusty crusty person? Once their character is revealed, say no and move on. Saying yes to a person shows how much or how little you value yourself and your goals. This applies to every relationship, not just romantic ones.

Mindset

Saying yes to the right people might mean you need to change your mindset. Who do you believe you are? What do you think you’re worthy of? Do you even believe you can attract the person you want? Renew your mind in Christ daily. Changing your mindset my not stop certain people from approaching, but it will make you stop saying yes to people who do not fit your destiny.

Once you believe you can do something, all of a sudden that thing becomes possible. Changing the way, you think about yourself and what you deserve will impact every area of your life. You’ll begin to see life differently and start living worthily of the calling God has placed upon you.

Redefine Success

All too often we’re taught that a successful relationship ends in marriage. What if we change that narrative? Why do we always center marriage as the only way a relationship is successful? Although dating a person may not ultimately work out, there are so many valuable lessons to learn along the way. Each lesson learned is a success. Nothing is a waste of time. Success doesn’t have to look like a married couple in a mansion. It can also look like a single woman living debt-free. It can be whatever you make it.

Singleness is a time to explore and learn more about yourself. Live as much as possible. Pursue God and you’ll find happiness in Him. Being single doesn’t mean that you are alone. Celebrate friends and family just as much as you celebrate being in a romantic relationship. Having a well-rounded life that doesn’t revolve around anything other than God is what success looks like to me.

Thanks for joining me on the journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources:

Pray. Listen. Obey.

Black and Christian

Black And Christian

Posted on June 29, 2020

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Ever since the social unrest and racial injustices erupted, I’ve been torn. Where does my allegiance lie? Do I have to choose between my blackness and my God? How can I reconcile being Black and Christian?

Black

Seeing my black brothers and sisters gunned down and murdered in the street grieves my heart. How is this still happening? And why does it seem to happen predominantly to us Black folk? What did we do to deserve this? What can we do to fight this? Something has to change. So,  I prayed to God about what I should do specifically as a Black and Christian woman. 

How can I improve our plight as Black people in America? I’ve called, emailed, protested, and donated, but there must be something else I can do. What is my specific assignment in all of this? How can I continue on as normal, as if this isn’t happening? Black people are facing discrimination and being mistreated simply because of the color of their skin.  A lot of this is being perpetrated by other Christians. These are people who claim to love God and HIs people, yet aren’t showing that Godly love toward their Black sisters and brothers.

Christian

So, how can I reconcile this? Jesus told us to forgive our trespassers. He commands that we turn the other cheek and pray for our enemies. The bible is clear on this. Yet, it’s hard to do. I’m not turning my back on God. God is rooted in me. So, now I have to reconcile forgiving the same people who continue to dismiss my blackness and treat me less than because of it. I am commanded by the God who saved me to forgive the very same people who stole my ancestors from their native land and forced them into chattel slavery. Those same people then terrorized and dehumanized my people for centuries. They have yet to apologize or even admit any wrongdoing and I’m supposed to forgive them.

Jesus, I need your help on this one. You showed so much compassion and love in Your short time on earth. You fed the hungry and broke bread with the oppressed. Give me Your heart on this matter. Help me to see them as You do. Allow me to show the same compassion, love, and grace that You extend to all who know You. Help me to do this even though it may not be reciprocated. Help me to choose You in every circumstance. 

Black and Christian

I can be both unapologetically Black and Christian. There is no choice. I am both at the same time. Both identities are so intertwined in me that there cannot be a separation. I am who God called me to be. I am a Black Christian woman. My hope is still in God. The blood still works. My skin is still black and I will continue fighting for the righteous causes of Black folk. I am confident I will see the goodness of the Lord, here in the land of the living. During these trying times, I believe in a better future, even in the face of racial injustice. God is still working and sits high on the throne. Although this country hasn’t admitted to its crimes, I know that God hears the cries of His people.

So, as Black Christians let’s use the power and authority given to us by God to help heal the land. We are a unique, gifted, and talented people. Let’s use our voices to continue to fight against discrimination and racism. There is still a fight going on and we must be ready to do our part. My part is to forgive as God commanded so that I will no longer harbor any bitterness and anger. It’s time to overcome the hatred with the greatest love the world has ever known. There is no control over whether the other side will reciprocate that love. All I know is we’re going to get through this being Black and Christian. 

Hope

Things are getting better incrementally. I suppose I want God to come down and make everything better now. The Hebrews were in bondage in Egypt for 430 years and were delivered only to wander in the desert for 40 years and still had to fight to get into the promised land and fight once they got there. So, it will be a process, and even if I don’t live to see the total liberation and deliverance of my black people I know that God is faithful and it’s coming. So, I rejoice to know that adversity will produce character, faith, and hope.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9: We are hard-pressed on all sides, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. 

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Check Out: Am I Who I Post to Be?

Dating Grace

Dating Grace

Posted on May 11, 2020

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It’s been less than 2 years since I’ve committed to seriously dating, so I’m giving myself dating grace. What does dating grace mean? In this context, it means having compassion and room to learn and grow without condemnation. Instead of putting pressure on myself to have the perfect dating life, I decided to celebrate where and I am and the progress I’ve made so far.

Where I Started

I took a break from dating for 6 years. So, when I decided to finally jump back into the dating arena I was super rusty. I was so nervous I couldn’t look a man in the eye. I turned and walked in the opposite direction when I saw an attractive man. Needless to say, but I was trash at dating. To overcome my nervousness, I intentionally smiled at every man I saw. Once I conquered looking at men, I had to start speaking to them.

See, I had a mumble mouth when it came to men. I stuttered and stumbled on words so much that I abandoned conversation altogether. Since my conversational skills were lacking, I came up with date questions so that the conversation could flow. If I got nervous, I asked a question. It took time to keep a conversation flowing. As a result, I would never get beyond a first date.  Yet, I persisted despite the rejection.

Rejection

As my confidence, conversational, and flirtation skills improved I got asked out again. While I saw this as a major accomplishment, I still feared rejection. Let’s be real, rejection is not a fun part of life. People tell you no all the time. Since most of my dating interactions ended after the first date, I learned to accept rejection for what it is and what it isn’t. I learned that rejection isn’t necessarily a reflection of me. It’s just a part of the process. Not only will I deal with rejection, but I will also be the one rejecting others. 

This was an uncomfortable emotion for me. I still tend to avoid things and people for fear of rejection. However, I decided to move forward despite the fear.  Although rejection is a real possibility, I won’t let it stop me anymore. 

Where I Am Now

I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to conquer fear and learn new skills to improve my dating life. These skills help me in other areas as well. Appreciating where I am, even though I’m not where I want to be, is something I don’t do often enough. I usually beat myself up for not being farther along. My mind plays out every past mistake and wrong turn. Weirdly, dating helped me receive the grace that God offers so freely. It’s allowed me to see that my past doesn’t define me. I don’t live under condemnation. So, now it’s time to extend the same grace to me. 

At the End of the Day

Progress is better than perfection. I’m taking life one intentional step at a time. The lessons I learned extend beyond dating to life in general. I’m trusting God more and more with each step. Accepting His will for my life isn’t easy. I love having control, but surrendering to Him is the best decision I ever made. I’m excited about the future He has for me. While I’m happy with the progress I’ve made so far, I have no updates in the dating world. Although there aren’t any updates, God’s promises are still yes and amen. I’m holding tight to that.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources

Quarantine Dating

A right relationship

A Right Relationship

Posted on April 27, 2020

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A friend recently asked me what is my goal as a Christian? The first thing that popped into my mind was a right relationship with God. But what does that look like for me? How can I have a relationship with God and not the same old traditional religion I’m used to?

Religion

For a long time, I thought the key to having the right relationship with God was to put a lot of effort into my works. I committed myself to the works of the church but never developed a real relationship with God beyond that. In retrospect, that’s legalistic and religious. God doesn’t desire me to be a performance Christian. He desires my heart and mind. He wants me not my behavior.

But, I decided that to be a good Christian all I needed to do was churchy things. I regularly went to church, tithed, and did other church work. However, my spirit yearned for more. Doing all the churchy things wasn’t enough. I wanted His presence to be with me every day, not only Sunday. Shouting and being filled with the Holy Spirit in a church is great, but I want to experience His spirit always. I want to dwell in His presence forever.

Relationship

To develop a true relationship with God I am changing my mindset and evaluating myself. A personal relationship with God requires that I spend time and communicate with Him. I must also see myself as He sees me.  Part of the reason why I didn’t experience the relationship I wanted is that I didn’t believe I deserved it. I didn’t believe what God said about me. Now I know that I am the daughter of the King. I am forgiven. I’m rescued and redeemed. I’m clean and in right standing with God. 

Yet, I still struggle with believing His promises are for me.  I pray and study His word, but there is still doubt. So, I put together plans and steps to obtain the desires of my heart. I let God in a little but retained some control by sticking steadfastly to my plan. I tried to put work behind my faith without fully surrendering my heart to God. He’ll place the desires in my heart, but first I have to give him my heart. To wholly surrender I must first believe. It’s impossible to please God without faith. 

Belief

The thing is, I want to believe. There’s no problem with me believing God for other people. I will pray and speak life over others and see God move in their life just like I knew He would. However, I know in my head He’ll come through for me, but I make a backup plan just in case. God, I want to let go and trust you fully, but I don’t know the way. So, I pray and consume the things of God. I put so much of Him and His word in me that there will be no room for doubt or unbelief. 

Reality Check

I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I’ve been known to overthink and complicate simple matters. My relationship with God means so much to me and I want a relationship with Him. I want to be with Him on earth and in heaven. Thankfully, my faith is getting stronger every day. He’s given me the desire to pursue Him and spend more time with Him. I give Him every thought that doesn’t line up with His word. This is only the beginning. I’m grateful that He’s still calling my name and I’m willing to obey.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

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Dear Lost Me

Dear Lost Me

Posted on March 2, 2020

The following is a letter I wrote to myself during a very dark and confusing time. I was fresh out of a 5-year relationship and my heart was utterly destroyed. I felt hopeless and unworthy. So, I wrote this letter to remind myself of who I am, and whose I am. This letter serves as a testament to God’s redeeming love.  If you ever happen to find yourself in a place of despair, cry out to Jesus. Go to His Word and remind yourself of His promises. He will never leave you nor forsake you. At the end of this letter is a short prayer and scripture that I encourage you to read aloud and declare over yourself. Remember that you are always loved!

Dear Lost Me,

You are a true treasure. Fearfully and wonderfully made by the one true God Almighty. You are beautiful and deserve to be loved. Do not compromise yourself. You are worthy of the love of Christ. Do not lower your standards for the benefit of anyone. If someone doesn’t value you as you are, respect yourself enough to remove yourself from that situation. Be afraid no longer! Confidence looks beautiful on you. Confidence in who you are as a person and in Christ will allow you to not worry about other people.  God chose you specifically for the purpose He set out for you. If the Creator of the universe allowed His only Son to die just to prove His love for you, how could you not be deserving of the love of mere men?

Love Yourself

Let me be clear, the love of a human will never complete you. Please learn to love yourself completely. You are a loving, wonderful, and beautiful person. You can only become complete through total surrender to God. Completely shed your old self and put on your new self. Yes, you’ve made mistakes and you’re not perfect, but your past no longer defines you. You are now saved and redeemed. Lift your eyes to the hills. Where does your help come from? It comes from the Lord who is mighty. The Lord is strong and mighty in battle. So don’t worry about the future. God has already provided. His promises are yes and amen when you are obedient to His will. Please don’t give up. I know it’s not easy, but you have to push, you must persevere. You deserve to live a happy life. This kind of happiness will not come from a job or any other human on this earth.

Happiness

This kind of happiness comes from God. It only comes by seeking out His purpose for your life and fulfilling it. Fear will come, but don’t be concerned with that. God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound judgment. You have overcome so much. Do not let fear, confusion, or other people’s opinions hinder your God-given purpose. You are led by the living Holy Spirit. Trust Him. The Holy Spirit will guide you in the right direction. I love you so much. You are uniquely designed to endure. He has put a special anointing on your life. Do not ignore it and do not be distracted from it. Not only will you survive, but you will also prosper according to His riches in glory.

God’s Promises

You may not know the future, but you know God’s promises. It’s amazing to discover just how much God really loves you. Now you realize the kind of love you deserve. You deserve someone who handles you delicately and treasures your heart, mind, and soul. Someone who will put you above all except God. Someone who will help you in holiness and will be led by the Holy Spirit. The love of your life will not make you feel less than because you will not allow it. They will remind you of His love daily. God is showing you how to love and be vulnerable. Allowing people into your heart is not the easiest thing to do. It has been broken, shattered, and disrespected. You’ve allowed God in and let Him heal your brokenness. He’s the ultimate potter and put it back together without a single piece missing.

Trust God

Now that he’s holding your fragile heart in His hands, trust Him with it. Grant Him full access to every dark, confused, distrusting, and broken area. Allow Him to give you peace from the broken pieces. This is a challenging process, but all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Let God erase all of the deceit and suspicion of past hurts and fill you with His goodness and kindness. You are already in His hands, give Him room to be your protector and vindicator. His faithful love endures from generation to generation. Remind yourself of His faithfulness every day. It will all be worth it. God promised it would be, and it is so. Love is in you, and so is God. Let your light shine to the world.  Keep growing, keep loving. There’s still work to do.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I know You’re preparing me for the next level in You while in this season of singleness. Help me to focus on You and Your Word. Help me to receive everything You have for me. I want to listen and not become distracted. Thank You, God, for just being God all by yourself. I thank You, God, for showing me your love in real and tangible ways. Thank You for instilling confidence within me and guarding my heart; allowing me to dwell in the shadow of the Most High.  I will relentlessly pursue you and your will for my life. Help me to be steadfast, diligent, patient, obedient, and disciplined in You, Father. Thank You, God, for revelation through your Holy Spirit. I desire to please only You, God. 

In Jesus’ name. 
Amen. 

Joshua 1:9 English Standard Version (ESV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

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A Plan

Last Single Valentine's Day

A Plan

Posted on February 17, 2020

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you are single, (like me) let’s make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day.

Plan for Companionship

Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

Pray and Wait?

So, I know there is a lot of wisdom and Christian teachers out there who preach pray and wait, but I’m not so sure that’s the best model. Every other major decision gets weighed and poked and prodded, but the decision on who to marry is the only one where we throw our hands up and let God do all the work. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying leave God out of the equation. We must be led by the Holy Spirit in everything we do. However, put as much time and effort into attracting a quality man as you do studying for a test or preparing for an interview.

Ok, so a test and a job interview aren’t necessarily the best correlations to marriage. But what is the best correlation? In what other institution will two become one? What else did God design to not only advance His kingdom but also to populate the earth? Shouldn’t the time and energy we use to prepare for a forever marriage at least equal the time devoted things that will last a few years at most?

Mindset

Let’s start with the first question. What is your mindset? Do you believe there is a Godly man that desires marriage and is willing to marry you? You have to believe a thing in order to see it. You have to have faith that God will do what He said. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. What are you hoping for? Where is your hope found? I cannot answer these questions for you, but you certainly can.

This will be a process. We are called to transform by the renewing of our minds. It’s time to transform and renew. It’s time to shift your mindset. This may require letting go of some old thinking patterns. This may require a new friend group that encourages you and believes what you do. Changing your mindset is not easy. This may be one of the most challenging steps, but that’s why it’s first. Your mindset will set the tone for your entire existence, not just about dating and marriage.

Who are You?

Changing your mindset will naturally lead to the next question, who are you as a person? I’m not asking what have you accomplished in your life? Do not list your titles and accolades. I’m talking about the person under all of that. Are you kind? Encouraging? Supportive? Are you the type of person you would want in your life? The life of your child? Self-assess and correct. Make sure you have what you’re asking for.

Now, I’m not telling you to condemn yourself. Self-assessment doesn’t have anything to do with thinking negatively about yourself. You are a child of The Most High. You are still valuable and precious in His sight. See yourself as He sees you.  Begin to think about yourself in the same way that He thinks of you. Look at yourself in the same light as God. This way you won’t accept anything less than God’s best because you’ll see that’s exactly what you are too.

Calling

Being who God called you to be will inevitably attract the type of man you want to be with. I believe with all my heart that walking confidently in God’s will is going to lead to the man your heart desires. No more Ishmaels, only Isaacs from here on out. That’s God’s promise. God’s word accomplishes exactly what it was sent to do. The only question is do you believe it? How can God do what He needs to do if you not believe He will do it? It’s impossible to please God without faith. So, in faith make a plan to get that man. Don’t use waiting on God as an excuse to sit still and do nothing. 

My Plan

Your plan should include God in every aspect. What goals do you have? What measurable action steps are you taking? I’m not one to share something and not do it, so here’s a snippet of my marriage plan.

  1. Specific Goal: Marriage
  2. Measurable: 
    1. Two dates per month 
    2. Speak to and converse with at least 3 new men per week
    3. Pray/journal for my husband every day
  3. Attainable: I take public transit to and from work and I am on at least 2 dating apps. I can attain the goal of speaking to and conversing with 3 new men per week.
  4. Realistic: I will have to push myself out of my comfort zone to get this, but it will be done.
  5. Timebound: Marriage by 36 years old

There are a lot more details in my plan, but I want to give you an idea to let you know you are not alone. I’m working on my mindset and seeing myself as God sees me. I pray and ask God to help me walk more confidently in my calling so that I can be prepared for everything that He has for me. I read and listen to His word so that my faith may increase. Life isn’t all about getting a man. I’m still pursuing other goals in God with the same vigor and specificity. This plan is the work I’m putting behind my faith for marriage. A plan will work in other areas of our lives too.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. We got through this one just like we have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine our self-worth or our value as women. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day or on any day does not diminish anything about us. We are still strong, loving, and amazing women. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything! 

Recommended Resources

www.singleinchrist.org/dating-slump

Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Lessons Learned

10 Lessons from the Last Decade

Posted on January 4, 2020

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1. I Can Accomplish Anything

I passed the bar on the first attempt. Up until that point, it was one of the most challenging things I had done. It was daunting. My entire career hinged on me passing this one test. But I did it. After 3 years of law school and an entire summer spent studying, I passed the bar. That let me know I can do anything.

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

2. Not to Lean On My Own Understanding

Life doesn’t always go according to the plan I’ve laid out, but God has a better plan. It took me a long time to find a job that I actually wanted to do. I found out very quickly that being an attorney wasn’t it. Honestly, I’m still learning exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, but I know I can’t rely on my own understanding to figure it out. God’s wisdom and revelation helped me when I didn’t know where to go or what to do. It’s always best to lean on Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

3. I Have Permission to Feel Without Being Led by My Emotions

This is something I learned about myself over the years. If something isn’t going my way or I don’t feel like doing it. I quit. I allowed my emotions to rule and lead me. I would quit something in a heartbeat. So, one of the things I want to leave in the last decade is being led by my emotions. It’s ok to feel, but I must remain sober-minded. I have to make decisions based on what God says and not solely on how I feel.

1 Peter 5:8 (ESV) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

4. I Can Love Jesus and Still Go to Therapy

2012-2016 was wild. So many things happened. I ended a 5-year relationship. I lost my confidence and hope. I became confused, distrusting, distant, thought I was unlovable. It was a dark time. I remember my mind be cloudy and thinking it would always be this way. So, I talked to my pastor at the time and he recommended therapy. It was eye-opening. I always thought therapy was for crazy people. I was resistant at first because I was taught all I needed was prayer and Jesus, but I wasn’t given any practical tools to allow Jesus’ transformative power to really work in my life. Therapy gave me those tools. I still use those tools to this day to help me use God’s word to work through life’s issues.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV) We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God…


5. I’m Loved and God Wants What’s Best for Me

 I went through a period where I felt so unloved. I felt incapable of giving or receiving love. God showed me in a dream how much He really loved me. I realized at that point that He loved me since the foundations of the earth and nothing will ever separate His love from me.

Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

6. Prayer Changes Me

The more I pray, the more my heart changes. Where I was once hard, I am now soft. Prayer increases my faith, prepares me for situations, helps me to defeat temptation, and allows me to see God’s power in the life of others. It doesn’t always change the situation, but it certainly changes the way I view a situation. 

Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


7. My Words Have Power

This past decade I started speaking affirmations over myself. I would say them silently, out loud, looking at myself in the mirror. The point is I would say them. The more I said those words, the more I would believe it. At first, I said positive quotes found on Pinterest. Then I incorporated more scripture as I started studying God’s word. The more I spoke God’s word over my life, the more I would see His word manifesting in my life. It’s amazing to see how a day would turn out based on what I said to my self that morning. 

Proverbs 18:21 (KJV) Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

8. Money Management

I got out of consumer debt. It was hard. I had to say no to a lot of trips and outings so I could place myself in a better financial situation. Managing money wisely provides more choices. Now, I can say yes to trips and going out because I know the money is there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not debt-free, but I am closer than I was before. I can actually see the end and I believe this decade I will be able to say I owe no man.

For to him who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.” — Matthew 13:11–12, RSV.

9. My Story is My Story

I spent a lot of time looking at other people and trying to emulate what they did in order to obtain the success they had. It never worked out for me. I have to walk the path God set out for me. My story will be just as beautiful and it will work because it’s what God ordained for me.

Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.


10. Faith With Works is Alive!

I accomplished a lot in the last half of the decade by simply putting a little work behind my faith. I was able to travel, buy a home, and land a great job, all because I believed what God said and was willing to put in the work to see it manifest on this side of heaven. 

James 2:26 (NIV) As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.