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I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart.

Broken Heart

Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.

Let It Go

Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.

Forgive

In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.

Compassion

In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.

Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

Broken Heart

Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, but you will also be happy, whole, and wholly healed. You will love again, and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet, and He never will.

I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart.

Broken Heart

Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.

Let It Go

Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.

Forgive

In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.

Compassion

In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.

Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

Broken Heart

Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, but you will also be happy, whole, and wholly healed. You will love again, and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet, and He never will.

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Grateful

As Thanksgiving rolls around again, we often think about what we are grateful for. The answers are varied, but usually, we hear things like family, friends, and life. While I am definitely thankful for family and friends, I decided to be grateful for what I didn’t get this year.

Grateful for No Romantic Relationship

No, I’m not in a relationship. I still desire to be in one. I’m grateful for the almost-relationships. It feels like I’ve been dating people non-stop for three years now. Currently, I’m on a break. This break allowed me to realize I’m willing to fall in love. I was not willing to risk heartbreak before. I actually took a chance on love and failed. I failed beautifully, though. So, I’m grateful that I got to chance to learn, love, and laugh. I’m also grateful that I get the chance to do it again; with the right person this time.

Grateful for Unanswered Prayers

Unanswered prayers seem like a strange thing to be grateful for. Lessons in the art of patience were plentiful this year. Learning to praise Him in the silence is hard. The silence of unanswered prayers is deafening. It makes me focus on the lack instead of the plenty Yahweh has already blessed me with. The unanswered prayers made me look at all that I have. It made me look at the works that Yahweh did through my hands. I realized through the silence that I am a vessel, and there is more work to do. So, I’m grateful for the unanswered prayers because they allowed me to see how much I already have and who I am. Yes, I still want my prayers answered, even if the answer is no. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy and be thankful for everything around me.

Grateful for Feeling Stagnant

This year, I felt stagnant. I felt like I wasn’t moving or going anywhere. It seemed as if I had reached all my potential. I’m thankful that is not the truth. I still have the power, strength, and potential to do great things. Greater is coming for me. It took that feeling of stagnancy to make me realize how much control I have over my life. If I want more and better, then I can work to get it. Nothing is stopping me from achieving my goals and Yahweh’s will for my life other than me. So, I’m grateful that I found the will to keep going and push myself. I’m grateful that I can see the future laid out for me, and I’m going to get it. Just watch and see.

Gratefulness

Being thankful is about showing appreciation for a thing or to someone. The truth is, I have a lot to be grateful for. So many positive lessons have come from what can be perceived as losses. Now, I would prefer to learn those lessons without pain, but it was necessary for me. From now on, I plan to focus on the beautiful life I have right now. Goodness surrounds me, and more is coming. What more could I be grateful for?

Thanks for joining me on the journey! Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Kim.

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Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself?

As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn’t. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love.

Unhealthy Boundaries

At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need?

In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That’s when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

therapistaid.com

I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won’t call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I’m glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it.

The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn’t out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries

Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally.

I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I’m somewhere in-between. I’m still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey, and while I still have a long road ahead, I also have covered a lot of ground. I’m grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I’m learning how to say no with love. I intend to keep learning, loving, and serving.

Thanks for joining me on this journey! I love all of y’all for real!

Kim

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Taking God at His Word

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Here we discuss five aspects of life that make the whole person—faith, fitness, finances, fun, and of course, love. Today I want to discuss being financially whole and what that looks like.

Of course, we’re going to start with a mini storytime. I started my financial wholeness journey in 2015. I took a Dave Ramsey course called financial peace. The course taught me how to budget and take control of my expenses. During the next four years, I paid off all of my credit cards, paid off my car, and started saving towards a house by moving in with my parents. Now, I understand some of this is a privilege. Not everyone has parents that will allow them to live rent-free while pursuing their financial goals. So, I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for giving me that chance to change my life and the lives of future generations.

Debt Freedom

In September of 2019, I bought my townhouse and immediately got into more credit card debt. I used most of my money for the house and down payment. No one ever tells you how expensive it is to purchase a house. I was using more gas looking at houses, I had to pay for inspections and all sorts of fees I did not calculate into my budget, but by the grace of God, I was able to purchase my home and furnish it.

Then in March of 2020, I lost my job. Yes, at the start of the pandemic and about six months after purchasing a home. Thankfully, I was able to start a career with a higher salary in April. But I was scarred from losing my job and elected to stack my money and take the option to defer my mortgage while the pandemic persisted. After six months of not paying my mortgage, I was able to pay off my credit cards and fund my 6-month emergency fund. Now, was that a wise decision? I think so right now, but those payments moved to the end of my mortgage term so that I may be singing a different tune later. This pandemic and the sudden loss of so many people shifted my goal from financial freedom to financial wholeness. So, what does being financially whole mean?

Financially Whole

Well, financial freedom is not owing anyone and having complete control of all of my money. However, when I saw all of these people dying without life insurance, losing jobs with no savings, and unable to afford necessities without assistance, I decided to be financially whole. While it includes debt freedom, it also contains savings account for emergencies, life insurance, a will, and health directives, so my relatives know my wishes upon death and retirement investments.

All of this is important, especially for single folks. Because we are the only ones who have control over our affairs, we need to have contingencies in place, so should we perish, our families and friends won’t be scrambling to put together a Go Fund Me account. I want to take as much stress off of my family as possible. Letting them know what I want ahead of time will help ease the burden. I know this is not people’s favorite topic. But if the pandemic hasn’t taught us anything else, it’s that life is precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Young and old are leaving this earth every day, and we need to be prepared. It’s time to get our financial houses in order.

Uncomfortable Conversations

So, I got the term financially whole from Tiffany Aliche, the budgetnista. She explains it very well, so I encourage you to follow her as well. There is no reason why we can’t be financially whole. It’s an uncomfortable conversation, but how much stress and pain can we save if we have this conversation now? To all my people out there, especially my melanated brothers and sisters, get that will, life insurance, and health care directives now. You can continually update them if you change your mind. Find out how to avoid the probate process. We are a generation of entrepreneurs and wealth generators. We need to plan to pass that to the next generation so they can benefit from it entirely.

In future posts, I’ll break down each aspect of financial wholeness and how to achieve it. Research the things I talked about, including debt freedom, and begin investing in your future. I love yall for real! Thank you for joining me for another post of living free joyfully, and make sure to share, like, and subscribe!

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Here we discuss faith, fitness, finances, fun love today. I want to talk about love, or more explicitly, dating and courting. 

So, I had a boyfriend for five years, and after that, I did not date for six years. Then I dated heavily for 2.5 years. It was fun & I was not dating seriously. It taught me a lot about what I wanted & what I did not want. So that brings us to this year. Around March of this year, I hired a dating coach for high-value women of faith. This course lasted 12 weeks, and while the intention was to be found by the love of my life, the result was me falling more in love with God & myself. I found a community of like-minded women who are on the same mission & got the same result. Because my mindset has changed, I know what I want is possible.

I also learned how to communicate what I want. I have the vision and can make it plain. Since joining this group for the first time, I have been able to envision myself getting married. Not just the dress or the wedding venue, but I can see myself as a bride and a wife. Before, I could see myself in the beautiful white dress surrounded by friends and family. I could see the gorgeous venue and all of the beautiful flowers and other decorations, but I could not see myself living life as a wife. I know it sounds crazy. 

Marriage is something that most Christian women aspire to be, at least the ones I know. We’re taught that this is what we should want, a beautiful wedding, beautiful marriage, and beautiful kids. What we weren’t taught is how to get that. We’re not taught how to envision that life and go after it. So now, I can see my regular, every life as a wife. I can see myself waking up beside my husband and how our lives will look. I can see how we’ll parent our children. I can see how we will get through life’s trials and tribulations. I can see us celebrating our joy. 

That’s all due to the mindset shift, instead of focusing on the man and the marriage. I am focusing on myself and making my life as complete as possible. No one wants a person who is just existing. I know I don’t. I want someone compatible with me. 

Now that I love myself, even more, I’m going to make sure I honor God and my desires in every decision I make, especially the person I choose to marry. Emphasis on choice. I’m willing to wait to get what I want, whoever God has for me. I abandoned the thought that there weren’t any good men left. There are plenty of good men who want to be with me. All I have to do is use my God-given discernment to choose the right one for me. I meet good men all the time. If that’s not your experience, ask yourself why? I know what I want, and I’m willing to trust God with the next steps. 

Bottom line, fall in love with yourself, disabuse yourself of the notion that it’s too anything and allow God to work. I promise He will blow your mind.

We are attracting and manifesting over here. So keep being free and living in joy! Please don’t forget to share, like, and subscribe! See you next time! Love, Kim

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“So I recommend the enjoyment of life, for there is nothing better on earth for a person to do except to eat, drink, and enjoy life. So joy will accompany him in his toil during the days of his life which God gives him on earth.”

Ecclesiastes‬ ‭8:15‬ ‭NET‬‬

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Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19

So, here I am—a 35-year-old single, childless woman. I am not working the job I want and just kind of generally feeling like I’m living below the promises of God.

I’m trying to be grateful and see all the beautiful things that I have in my life. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family who genuinely love me. I have a job that provides more than I need, a lovely home, and hobbies that I genuinely enjoy. I’m even dating, which has proved to be an enjoyable and educational experience.

Yet, I feel a void when I think about this unexpected reality. I desire marriage, kids, and a family of my own. I’m approaching the get-up and go in peace place like Hannah. I’m no longer in the weeping year after year phase. THat weeping and anguish got old quickly.

I also feel like going in peace is a little like letting go. It feels like I’m giving up on a dream. If I surrender and say, God, if you do, I’m good, but God, even if you don’t, I’m still good. Sometimes this feels like I’m burying my desires and dreams to accept life as is.

The thing is, I know in my mind this isn’t true. In my mind, the path forward is God’s will, and I’m possibly even delaying His will for me by not fully surrendering. However, it’s proven challenging to let go and let God. How do I submit and be OK with whatever the outcome is and still pray for my desires simultaneously?

All I know to do is go to God and be honest. I have to tell Him how I feel and then not worry. Remember to look at how much He has already blessed me. Then pray some more until I hear from Him. I genuinely do want to lay this burden down. I do want to get up from prayer and walk in peace. I want to praise God whatever the outcome genuinely. I declare that joy will be my portion, and I’ll be thankful in all things.

So, it’s kind of two-fold; my unexpected reality is that I’m single with no kids, and I’m trying to put that at God’s feet. But, it’s not as consuming as it used to be. Now, I focus more on what’s accurate, sound, trustworthy, and virtuous so that God can keep His promise and guard my heart and mind with peace that surpasses understanding. God is faithful and just to perform His word.

Therefore, I’m going to live, rejoice, and be free while having fun in the meantime.

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Living noun /ˈliviNG/: the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.

dictionary.com

This is my year of intention. I plan to get every promise God has for me. I’m tired of just existing or surviving. It’s time to live! No longer will I live below the promises of God. Everything that He promised me would be mine. My life will be a reflection of Him. It’s time to come alive and do what God placed in me.

Free

Free adjective /frē/: not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be done as one wishes.

dictionary.com

As defined by the dictionary, freedom leads one to believe that she can do whatever she wants. The freedom I crave is to be unbound, unrestrained, and no longer obligated under the yoke of the law. My freedom is found in Christ alone. He set me free to live an abundant life. I am free indeed and will obtain this freedom in every area of my life.

Joyfully

Joyfully adverb /ˈjoifəlē/: with great pleasure and happiness.

dictionary.com

His joy is in me, and it is full. I ask this question to myself every day, “What have I done to spark joy today?” Joy is imperative. It’s a reminder that Christ is with me. It helps ease the troubles and woes that being in this world brings. Joy breeds gratitude. I choose joy and to be glad.

Living Free Joyfully

This is a departure from Single In Christ. While that spirit remains, this blog will now focus on the whole single person and not just how to cope with being single. God has so much more in store. I will be married one day. But in the meantime, I’m still a complete person, and I choose to focus on my entire being and not one aspect of it. So, yes, I will still discuss love and dating. However, I will also discuss faith, finances, fitness (mental and physical), and plain old fun. Let’s discover how to obtain freedom and joy in every area!

Continue living free joyfully!

-Kim

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Last year my plan was not to be single by Valentine’s Day 2021. Enter a global pandemic, my parents and sister suffering from COVID-19, losing a job, getting another job, weight gain and loss, and just the trial of life in general. With all of that happening, no one would blame me for taking time off from dating. After all, there are so many reasons not to date.  

However, I still viewed this as a time to go after what I wanted, although I had to be more creative in doing it. So, here’s the big question: did I meet my goal?

Goal Met?

Not exactly, but I’m close. Allow me to explain. My goal was not to be single. So, yes, I’m single, but I did have Valentine’s Day date. See, not exactly the goal, but it’s definitely progress! I’m still committed to working out this plan. This plan covers many areas of my life, and while it’s not just relationship-specific, it has allowed me to accomplish goals in my life.  

I view it like this; I’m doing my best and allowing God to do the rest. I’m fully aware that there are things outside of my control. There certainly are areas where I can improve. I do not have it all together. But with God’s help and wisdom, I know I will accomplish fantastic things. I know His plan will manifest in the earth. So, no, my timeline didn’t exactly work out, but my goal is still in full effect.

New Plan

So, what’s my new plan? To continue rotationally dating multiple men and enjoying myself. My goal isn’t just marriage now. My goal is also to adopt a new mindset and enjoy the journey instead of anticipating the destination. This time, I’m going to pray and allow God to lead me. While I did pray last year, it was more of an afterthought than allowing His Holy Spirit to lead. My plan now includes being excited about the possibilities and not afraid of the outcome.

I’m letting go of the rigidity and timeline of my plan and allow God to intervene as He sees fit. Basically, I’m submitting to His will. I haven’t totally abandoned my plan. I adjusted it to be in line with God’s will. I highly suggest allowing God to have His way. It will blow your mind every time. So, in all things, be led by the Holy Spirit and enjoy the journey. We are complete humans with so many experiences—no need to wait on the next stage to start enjoying it. 

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness,

Kim