So, I went from having two dates per week to having only two dates this year. Why the sudden change? I had a “boo-thang” and wanted to be in a real relationship. He tried to keep it as is. So, I decided to pursue what I wanted. Deciding to leave hurt me, and I didn’t realize how much. So, I tried to date, but I wasn’t up to it. I gave dating a little break. Now I feel fully ready to jump back into the dating pool but with some changes. I’m going outside!
Overall, dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently, I fell into a dusty man trap. I usually don’t dwell too much on unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it’s necessary. Here’s how I fell into a dusty-man trap.
I always protect the innocent, so I’ll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It’s not personal. I have five things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him.
Christian
Have a job
Have a car
Have his own place to stay
No more than 1 child, but preferably none
How it Started
I mentioned those criteria because I went out on two dates with a guy who didn’t meet any of them unbeknownst to me. He was a dusty man. Let’s start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks, but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don’t remember why we stopped; I remember that we did.
Then summer hits, and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It’s Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. I asked why we initially stopped talking during this chatting, and he changed the subject. Looking back, that should have been my first red flag.
We had trouble finding the time to go out because I’m a busy woman. I don’t cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about two weeks before we met up. During this time, I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time.
The Meetup
A couple of days before we are supposed to go out, he calls and says he has to see me. I said we’re supposed to go out soon, can’t you wait? He said no, he had to see me right away. This is Sunday morning, and I’m getting ready for church. I didn’t have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag.
I get ready fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I’m always talking about. It’s late June or early July, but it’s super hot either way. The air in my car isn’t working that well, so I’m sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up. He hops out of the vehicle in the most unflattering outfit I’ve ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn’t entirely cover his ashy feet, and slides.
Disappointment
At this point, I’m thinking to myself, you just had to see me, and this is how you look? I’m super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God’s gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn’t wait until our date to see me.
He’s licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I don’t remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don’t say anything because I’m hot and annoyed. Plus, he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes, then said I needed to leave. At this point, I’m devising a plan in my head on how to let him down quickly. But it didn’t go exactly as planned.
Falling Into the Trap
The next day I called him. We’re keeping it light at first, talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I’m not romantically interested, and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap. As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and he lost his debit card. It sounds suspicious, but I say okay, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he wants to see me again.
We go out, and he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time. He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I’m determined to break things off. Then he asks me for a ride home. I give him one, and I am fussing at myself for going out with this dusty, crusty man on my way back to my house. Mind you; he didn’t dress any better for our date.
The more we talk, the more I find out about him. He doesn’t have a job. He also doesn’t have a stable place to live. He goes in-between family members’ houses. There’s nothing wrong with this. I get that people go through hard times, but why lie about it and try to date on top of that?
Lessons Learned
But I ended up going out with him again. Please don’t ask me why. Perhaps I needed to learn a lesson about smooth-talking dusty men. Maybe I thought I could help. In the end, I realized that I’m not the type of woman that can date potential. I need to see some actual results. I need to see your plan taking shape. I’m not asking any man to be at the final place, but I need to see steps taken in that direction.
I also learned not to be so hard on myself. I should not have gone out with Gary. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because he had nice pictures online. Those pictures didn’t match reality, by the way. I serve a forgiving God who said there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. If I’m in Christ, which I am, why should I condemn and be so hard on myself? I had to forgive myself for being foolish, believing lies, and falling into a dusty-man trap. I survived, though. Now, I will pay attention to red flags.
I had to go back to God and find out what I want. I won’t be making a dusty man mistake again. I can move forward with the knowledge that God wants me to be happy and that I will be. Still out here dating, but I’m taking my time. Vetting men a little more than I used to. I’m grateful for the experience. Glad to know that God’s got me even when I mess up.
Let’s talk about being strong. Life can be overwhelming at times. There is so much to do and so little time in which to do it. The standard advice is to push through, hang in there, be strong, or you’ve got this. This advice is well-intentioned. There is nothing wrong with any of these statements. Yet, how does this help the person who is tired of hanging on? What advice does one give to the strong woman who is tired of being strong?
Stop the Platitudes
Hang in there is easy to say. It’s been so overused that it isn’t thoughtful. The advice means well, but what is the person supposed to hang onto? For how long? Why must one continue to be strong or push through? Instead of taking the easy way out, genuinely ask how to help? What service can you offer to lighten the other person’s load? Is the other person even asking for help or just venting? Yes, it may take a little longer and require more conversation but stop saying a common phrase that seems helpful and offer some benefit or valuable advice.
Pray Strong Woman
Take the overwhelming thoughts and feelings to Yahweh in prayer. If you can’t pray because life is just too much, ask Yahweh for help. God knows what you need, and He will provide it. Find a scripture that relates to what you’re going through or how you want to overcome it and say it aloud. Praying scripture can be beneficial because you don’t have to come up with the words when your heart is heavy. Reading the scripture to yourself also allows your mind to stop thinking about everything. It forces you to focus on something else.
Ask someone you trust to pray for you. This way, you are getting the feelings out and not going through a hard time alone. Let’s bear the burdens of one another. Reach out to that prayer warrior and have them reach to Yahweh on your behalf. Then allow them to continue checking on you and praying for you and even with you. Prayer with others will foster a great relationship and shows how God always provides in our time of need.
Do One Thing
No rule says you have to do all of the things all of the time. Can you delegate some tasks to someone? Can you cut the list down to what is only necessary? If none of that is possible, do one thing. Do not worry about the list, and do one thing that will ease your mind. Is it wiping the counters but not sweeping the floor? Do that one thing. Life is messy, and we are all overwhelmed. You don’t have to do it all by tomorrow. Do the one thing that will help you get the peace you deserve.
Rest Strong Woman
What if you’re too tired or stressed even to do that one thing? Well, take this opportunity and rest. Try not to worry about what’s next or look at the big picture. Try to watch a movie or eat a delicious meal. If possible, leave the stressful environment for a few hours to do something that sparks joy. You can also take a nap and sleep the worries away. The point is to rest and do something that is not overwhelming. Rest can make all the difference. Even Yahweh took a day to relax, and He never sleeps nor slumbers.
So we all know the story about the prodigal son. The scripture where the son demands his inheritance and goes off and squanders it then returns home. The moral of the story is that no matter how far you wander away from home, God will always be there to welcome you back with open arms. Usually, when you hear that parable, it focuses on the prodigal son. Other times the focus is the elder son who stayed. His reaction of anger and resentment is treated as a precautionary tale of what not to do. I don’t often hear the perspective that while the elder son was resentful and angry, the father still offered him grace and comfort. The father tells the elder child, “…Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.” That’s the power within.
Blessings
The loyal, faithful, and obedient son always had access to the inheritance. Even while rejoicing over the prodigal son’s return, the father ran out to comfort and advised the elder son. The elder son had proximity, access, and his father’s ear. How often do we focus on someone else’s blessing when we had access to our Father the entire time? The loyal and obedient children are always in the presence of the Father. Why should those so near to God take it for granted by looking at another’s blessing?
Full Access
God has placed within us a power that we have access to all of the time. While comforting the elder son, the father says, “all that is mine is yours.” How often do we take our unlimited access to God and His kingdom for granted? All that is His is Ours. Lately, I’ve been feeling like the eldest child. I’m watching everybody else get to celebrate and bask in their blessings. While I don’t begrudge anyone their just deserts, I feel a little left out.
Which is what I imagine the elder son felt as well. Here I am in the field, working and being obedient. I watch from afar as others get celebrated and blessed, wondering when it will be my turn—forgetting that my Father is right there. I can go and talk to Him at any point in time.
The Power Within
All I had to do was ask, and it would be given to me because He is close to me. As a matter of fact, even when I was disobedient and willfully rebellious, He still celebrated me and called me back to Him. And I still had access to His entire kingdom to His full divinity when I returned. It seems a bit silly now. I have God, the Creator, near me, willing to comfort me, and I’m too concerned about when my blessing will come. He is always with me, including his peace, power, and might.
Rejoice
God’s power resides within me through his Holy Spirit. What shall I fear? Of whom do I have to be afraid? He is near; He inclines His ear to me. He is concerned about me. And it is through that invested power within; He can do exceedingly abundantly above anything I can ask or think. It’s all because of the power within. So, we have God and His power near and in us with any obstacle, challenge, or situation we face. Remember, no matter where we are, we have full access once we come to Him. We are His, and He is ours. Let’s use that power within to edify, support, and love. Our time is coming, and it’ll be sooner than we think.
The truth is we all believe we lack something. There are promises that we have yet to receive. We desire things that we do not have in our lives. Our hopes, dreams, and expectations have yet to come to reality. So how do we cope with a God who says we lack no good thing in Him, yet there are areas where we feel a lack?
Marriage
As I went to God in prayer with this question, I was advised to write down everything I lacked. The first was a husband/family. And this is something that I desire and something that I have not. Looking back over all of the people I have dated or were in a relationship with, only one person came close to what I would consider husband material. And even that relationship was a little off. So this begs the question, am I lacking a husband? Or is there just a space reserved in my life that God has yet to fill? Do I lack a relationship, or do I need to be more patient?
Lack of Money
Could we all use a bit more money? As Americans, we live in a capitalistic society that screams at us to earn more so we can buy more. Social media shows us the best and the latest. It’s easy to feel we lack by comparison. Money can solve a slew of problems. Yet, how do we cope with no money? God promised that we are the lender and not the borrower, but it feels like we’re always borrowing. I looked at how much I earned and how much I spent. Am I truly being a good steward over what God gave me? The honest answer is no. I can do much better with my finances. Though all of my bills are paid, my savings and retirement accounts can be more prominent. If I want to be the lender, I must save and steward.
Perception
Is there something underneath the thing I perceive I lack? Because I don’t have a husband, do I think I am not worthy? Since I need more money, do I feel like I can’t receive more? How do I perceive myself in my God? Is He who He says He is? I will take Him at His word. God blesses us at our level of obedience. Do I have a lack, or is it a space where God can come in and be my strength and inspiration? I don’t want to fill my time and space with things, not from God. Perhaps the lack I perceive isn’t a lack but an area in which I need to lean more on God. Maybe my perception is wrong. Instead of focusing on the unfulfilled desire, let’s focus on the One who can provide those desires.
Rejoice
So, I believe there is always an opportunity to rejoice. Amid a perceived lack, where can I find joy? I find joy knowing that God does hear and answer my prayers. I rejoice because He has blessed me so richly. God will give the desires of my heart when I delight in Him. I take account of what I have and give thanks. It’s easy to focus on what we don’t have. Let’s start to focus on what we do have. Once we focus on our blessings, we see that we lack no good thing.
Each year, with God’s help and grace, I select a word that will help guide my year. The word for 2022 is discipline. I chose this word because discipline is the only way I achieve God’s will and goals. I believe that God is ushering in a new season. This season of reaping the harvest will require just as much discipline as the season of sowing.
Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in.
Galations 6:9 AMP
Reaping
I’m not sure why I always thought of reaping the harvest, which is me sitting and quickly gathering the blessings God promised. Reaping is collecting things I have sown in faith. The harvest is me going out and getting out of the ground what I have put there. So my harvest depends entirely on me and my faith. My harvest depends on my discipline in the sowing and reaping seasons. God has given us a measure of faith, and it is the season to reap what I have sown.
Sowing
Did I sow what I was supposed to? Did I give up too soon to reap the harvest God has promised? If so, this is a lesson learned and a loss that I will get through. If not, then this is my season to be disciplined enough to go out and get what God has promised me. There will be joy in the harvest. I pray that I sowed enough.
But instead of dwelling on what might have been or what might not be, I’ve decided to be disciplined and put on the mind of Christ. I will not focus on what I have no control over. I know my responsibility from now on, and I am more than willing and capable of being disciplined and doing what I am supposed to do.
Discipline
So, discipline has three primary definitions; to instruct/train, correct, and a course of education. Here, I am speaking of the practice of training and correction. Discipline is a choice we make every day. Does this decision further God’s will? Will this choice get me closer to reaping my harvest? If yes, proceed. It seems a little too simple, right? The hard part comes when we have to say no to things we want to do but hinder our progress. The harvest is waiting. Let’s be disciplined enough to get it.
Joy
Let’s rejoice knowing that God is faithful. He promised that we would reap, and the time is here! Yes, it’s going to take time and discipline. Yes, it may have taken longer than we thought. But, it’s finally here. I don’t know what your harvest is but get it. The good news is that God has equipped you with the time, patience, resources, and whatever else you need. It’s time to celebrate.
This year I learned more than ever that my words matter. I may have lost some things due to my inability to express what I wanted or felt. Though I may not lose those things forever, I vow never to repeat the same mistake. I have to be honest, transparent, and open. Words matter, and I will use them to speak life.
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death. Revelations 12:11
Are you that relative that always has something to say to the single relative? Are you single and tired of those relatives that always ask you awkward questions about your love life? Here are some things to stop saying and responses to those crazy statements.
Forgiveness in Greek means sending away, letting go, giving up debt, not condemning, or keeping no longer. Forgiveness is the hard work of Christianity. As believers, we must forgive those who harmed us. It seems like a simple request. Your sins were wiped away when you were forgiven, so give others the same forgiveness. Yet, the actual act of forgiving someone is hard. This begs the question, why is it so hard?
What goals have you accomplished this year? 2022 is almost upon us, it’s time to set new goals and re-evaluate the old ones. Here are some of the goals I did and didn’t achieve.
