Category:

Courting

Last Single Valentine's Day

Sexual Desires

Posted on August 4, 2020

Lately, I’m not sure what’s going on but I have been really hot in the pants. As a single Christian woman, I want to live right but these sexual desires just aren’t going away. So, what am I supposed to do with them? I don’t necessarily want them to go away, but I also don’t want to act on them. Now I’m left with these sexual desires and no way to fulfill them.

Ask God

So, I came to God with all of these emotions and desires and asked Him what to do with them. How can I use these feelings to glorify Him? What can I do to not fall into temptation? For 6 years I suppressed these desires. Church taught me that sex was bad and dirty until marriage. So, I didn’t have sex. To avoid sex, I didn’t interact with men. But I wanted marriage and I was tired of being lonely and frustrated. So, in late 2018 I began dating.

Intimate Relationships

The problem was I never reconciled how to have an intimate relationship with a man without having sex. To remedy this, I set up boundaries. My boundaries included no phone calls, dates, or texts after 10:30 pm. Dates were planned well in advance in public places. Under no circumstance was I to be alone in the dark with a man. As time progressed and I went on more dates, my boundaries started to fade away. I justified breaking my own rules by telling myself I was strong enough to not sin. Plus, I was living with my parents at the time and I thought, what could happen? That was my biggest mistake.

Failing

The second half of 2019 was a mess. I was too prideful and grown for my good. I ended up having sex. There was no way I can date and remain holy without boundaries. I thought I was good and ended up falling. It seemed like I was getting away with it, so I kept going. No one knew and I still accomplished some really good things. Yet, those close to me saw a subtle difference. They knew something was wrong. I knew that life wasn’t sustainable. The wage of sin is death. I allowed my flesh to rule and even though on the surface 2019 was a great year, what I most remember was my failure to live a life that was pleasing to God.

Redeemed

The death wasn’t so visible at first. I was still in church, singing on the praise team, and leading the singles ministry. But I wasn’t praying like I used to. I couldn’t hear God as clearly as before. I’m sure I missed some critical instructions by being disobedient. But I let my flesh win for the better part of a year. By the end of 2019, I was crying out to God for mercy. I settled and compromised and landed in a place far from God. He healed me, forgave me, and delivered me. I have no intentions to go back to that place.

What Now?

Yet, these sexual desires aren’t going away. They are loud and calling out to me almost every day. So again, what am I supposed to do? I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be horny and it doesn’t make me less of a person. It’s not dirty or wrong to have these desires. What is wrong is when I act upon them outside of marriage. God gave me the sexual desires just like He gave me the desire to follow Him. Now that I know nothing is wrong with me, how do I navigate these sexual desires? I contemplated having sex again, but the Holy Spirit quickly convicted me. The next step was to determine if I wanted an orgasm or companionship. Because I’m so used to not having one without the other in romantic relationships, I confused those emotions.

With my boundaries back in place, I started dating and found the companionship I desired, but sometimes that sexual feeling won’t go away. I’m determined to do right by God this time. So, when these feelings become too intense, I pray and tell God about it. Since God gave me these feelings and He knows about it, I talk to Him. Then I do something positive like praise, sing, dance, read, or exercise. These activities help me to get my mind on something other than my desires.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need…”

(Hebrews 4:15-16)
Not Alone

The most important thing I had to realize was that I wasn’t alone. There are so many other single Christians desiring to live holy. We cannot do it on our own. We must enlist the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit and the help of Godly people. The last time I felt too hot, I reached out to my friends and asked for prayer. I confessed what I was thinking and allowed them to pray with me and for me. Get some praying friends y’all. It makes all the difference. I know it isn’t easy to be single and horny, but you don’t have to do it alone. Learn from my mistakes. Take the time to work on your heart instead of your behavior and God will do the rest.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail.

(James 5:16)

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim.

P.S. Christ’s blood has redeemed me and declared me not guilty. I choose to live in that truth and try not to dwell on my mistakes. I pray that you live in that truth as well.

Recommended Resources

The Intimacy Firm

Secret Sin

single after 30

Single After 30

Posted on July 18, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 22:16 — 30.6MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

So, you’re single after 30 and still not married. You may be feeling societal or familial pressure at this point. Or you may hear your biological clock ticking louder and louder as the days go by. If you’re like me, you’re probably tired of the ever-ubiquitous questions regarding your dating life.  I know it’s tiring and frustrating. So let me ask you a question.

How Are You?

How are you doing? It’s okay to admit how you are feeling about being single. Also, take the time to examine why you’re feeling that way. Make sure your feelings are not from any outside pressure. Your feelings should reflect on what you desire. Are you enjoying the single life? The season of singleness is the perfect opportunity to live out what God has called you to do. Now is the time to have fun and become the person you are supposed to be. There is no need to wait for a relationship to begin living.

Your life should be full outside of a relationship. If you are unhappy, there is still time to change it.  The journey is just as rewarding as the destination. This is also a time to examine if you want marriage. The truth is, not all of God’s children will get married. It’s also okay to desire marriage. But wallowing in self-pity or replaying past love stories isn’t the way to get there. Begin enjoying your life. What are you waiting for?

Past Relationships

Do you ever find yourself thinking about past relationships and playing the what-if game? If I had only done this, or if he had done that I would be married by now. That’s a dangerous game to play because unless it was a horrific abuse-filled relationship, we tend to romanticize the past a bit. The past is the past for a reason. Honestly, is there anyone in your past that would have said yes to? If so, why aren’t you all together now?

Something happened to cause the relationship to end. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was you. Did either of you have the emotional maturity or communication skills to sustain the relationship until now? There is nothing wrong with looking in the past to get a reference for how far you’ve come or to look at the lessons learned. However, don’t live there. If there isn’t anyone who you would have said yes to, forge ahead. Either way, the best is yet to come. 

Continue Working on Yourself

By working on yourself I don’t mean strive for perfection. Perfection is not a requirement in this life. It’s also not a requirement for marriage. If it was, no one would be married. Reject the notion of perfection and embrace excellence. Become the best you possible. If that means getting out of debt or living a healthier lifestyle, do it. Operating in a spirit of excellence doesn’t require a partner. You can do it while still single.

You’ll be doing this even after marriage so go ahead and get into the practice of examining your mindset and life. Some areas may need work, others may not. Continue to work on your communication skills. Start the business you always wanted. Become proud of who you are and the life you’re living. If you desire marriage, this will only make you more attractive to your potential mate.

Who are You Attracting?

We all have a type.  A preference for the type of person we want to date and eventually marry. That type isn’t necessarily who we are attracting. I don’t believe you attract who you are. We attract all types of people. It’s up to us to use our God-given discernment and wisdom to determine who to say yes to. The better question is who are you saying yes to? There is no obligation to enter into a relationship with any person that approaches. Test the spirit by the spirit. Only say yes to those people who God says yes to also.

In truth, the people we enter into relationship with are a reflection of us. Why would you enter into any type of relationship with a dusty crusty person? Once their character is revealed, say no and move on. Saying yes to a person shows how much or how little you value yourself and your goals. This applies to every relationship, not just romantic ones.

Mindset

Saying yes to the right people might mean you need to change your mindset. Who do you believe you are? What do you think you’re worthy of? Do you even believe you can attract the person you want? Renew your mind in Christ daily. Changing your mindset my not stop certain people from approaching, but it will make you stop saying yes to people who do not fit your destiny.

Once you believe you can do something, all of a sudden that thing becomes possible. Changing the way, you think about yourself and what you deserve will impact every area of your life. You’ll begin to see life differently and start living worthily of the calling God has placed upon you.

Redefine Success

All too often we’re taught that a successful relationship ends in marriage. What if we change that narrative? Why do we always center marriage as the only way a relationship is successful? Although dating a person may not ultimately work out, there are so many valuable lessons to learn along the way. Each lesson learned is a success. Nothing is a waste of time. Success doesn’t have to look like a married couple in a mansion. It can also look like a single woman living debt-free. It can be whatever you make it.

Singleness is a time to explore and learn more about yourself. Live as much as possible. Pursue God and you’ll find happiness in Him. Being single doesn’t mean that you are alone. Celebrate friends and family just as much as you celebrate being in a romantic relationship. Having a well-rounded life that doesn’t revolve around anything other than God is what success looks like to me.

Thanks for joining me on the journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources:

Pray. Listen. Obey.

Dating Grace

Dating Grace

Posted on May 11, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 21:30 — 39.4MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

It’s been less than 2 years since I’ve committed to seriously dating, so I’m giving myself dating grace. What does dating grace mean? In this context, it means having compassion and room to learn and grow without condemnation. Instead of putting pressure on myself to have the perfect dating life, I decided to celebrate where and I am and the progress I’ve made so far.

Where I Started

I took a break from dating for 6 years. So, when I decided to finally jump back into the dating arena I was super rusty. I was so nervous I couldn’t look a man in the eye. I turned and walked in the opposite direction when I saw an attractive man. Needless to say, but I was trash at dating. To overcome my nervousness, I intentionally smiled at every man I saw. Once I conquered looking at men, I had to start speaking to them.

See, I had a mumble mouth when it came to men. I stuttered and stumbled on words so much that I abandoned conversation altogether. Since my conversational skills were lacking, I came up with date questions so that the conversation could flow. If I got nervous, I asked a question. It took time to keep a conversation flowing. As a result, I would never get beyond a first date.  Yet, I persisted despite the rejection.

Rejection

As my confidence, conversational, and flirtation skills improved I got asked out again. While I saw this as a major accomplishment, I still feared rejection. Let’s be real, rejection is not a fun part of life. People tell you no all the time. Since most of my dating interactions ended after the first date, I learned to accept rejection for what it is and what it isn’t. I learned that rejection isn’t necessarily a reflection of me. It’s just a part of the process. Not only will I deal with rejection, but I will also be the one rejecting others. 

This was an uncomfortable emotion for me. I still tend to avoid things and people for fear of rejection. However, I decided to move forward despite the fear.  Although rejection is a real possibility, I won’t let it stop me anymore. 

Where I Am Now

I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to conquer fear and learn new skills to improve my dating life. These skills help me in other areas as well. Appreciating where I am, even though I’m not where I want to be, is something I don’t do often enough. I usually beat myself up for not being farther along. My mind plays out every past mistake and wrong turn. Weirdly, dating helped me receive the grace that God offers so freely. It’s allowed me to see that my past doesn’t define me. I don’t live under condemnation. So, now it’s time to extend the same grace to me. 

At the End of the Day

Progress is better than perfection. I’m taking life one intentional step at a time. The lessons I learned extend beyond dating to life in general. I’m trusting God more and more with each step. Accepting His will for my life isn’t easy. I love having control, but surrendering to Him is the best decision I ever made. I’m excited about the future He has for me. While I’m happy with the progress I’ve made so far, I have no updates in the dating world. Although there aren’t any updates, God’s promises are still yes and amen. I’m holding tight to that.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources

Quarantine Dating

Quarantine Dating

Quarantine Dating

Posted on April 20, 2020

Quarantine dating? How can people possibly date during the Quarantine? Aren’t we supposed to socially distance ourselves from one another? Aren’t we supposed to be staying in our homes and away from people? Yes, we most certainly are. But we can still date and here’s how.

Online dating

Since stay-at-home orders are in place, there’s no way to meet people to date other than online dating. It’s still possible to meet someone at the grocery store while wearing your mask and gloves. However, the chances are slim for that to happen. So meet your potential date by logging onto your favorite online dating apps or websites and just poke around. Make a bomb profile with a cute profile picture and swipe. These sites are popping right now. Quality men and women seeking serious relationships and marriage are on those sites. Be sure to use your God-given discernment and the guidance of the Holy Spirit when deciding with whom to converse.

Communication

If you happen to meet someone you like then you can text, call, and video chat. There is no better time to get to know someone on a deeper level than during this quarantine. All non-essential businesses are closed. We have to stay at least 6 feet away from people in public. Nothing is operating normally. All you have is your phone, time, and the Internet. Take all this free time and get to know someone. After all, one of the best ways to learn someone on a deeper level is to talk. Find a comfortable and cute place in your home and talk. Notice things about the background and inquire about them. Take them on a tour of an area that you cherish and explain why it means so much to you. When this quarantine is over, you’ll meet and your connection will be that much deeper.

Reality Check

You may not feel like this is the appropriate time to date. It is completely valid to not want to date during a global pandemic. While you have all this free time, figure out what’s important to you. Pray and ask God what you’re supposed to be doing with this time. God will surely tell you what you’re supposed to do. Filter every decision through Him. If He tells you to continue dating, great! If He tells you to spend more time with Him, even better! Be sure to listen to and obey God. Dating is still possible during the quarantine and it can be fun too!

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness,

Kim

Last Single Valentine's Day

A Plan

Posted on February 17, 2020

If you are tired of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you want this to be the last year that you are single, (like me) let’s make a plan to not be single next Valentine’s Day.

Plan for Companionship

Evaluate your mindset. Do you have a mindset that would attract a quality man?  Who are you as a person? What are you attracted to? You may have to change your social habits. Maybe you need to make more female friends so that you can go out more. Pray that God reveals what’s really keeping you single. Once He reveals it to you make a strategic plan on how to overcome those obstacles so this can be the last year you’re single. Be sure to have realistic and measurable goals and ask for God’s help every step of the way. This could be the last Valentine’s day you spend without a man.

Pray and Wait?

So, I know there is a lot of wisdom and Christian teachers out there who preach pray and wait, but I’m not so sure that’s the best model. Every other major decision gets weighed and poked and prodded, but the decision on who to marry is the only one where we throw our hands up and let God do all the work. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying leave God out of the equation. We must be led by the Holy Spirit in everything we do. However, put as much time and effort into attracting a quality man as you do studying for a test or preparing for an interview.

Ok, so a test and a job interview aren’t necessarily the best correlations to marriage. But what is the best correlation? In what other institution will two become one? What else did God design to not only advance His kingdom but also to populate the earth? Shouldn’t the time and energy we use to prepare for a forever marriage at least equal the time devoted things that will last a few years at most?

Mindset

Let’s start with the first question. What is your mindset? Do you believe there is a Godly man that desires marriage and is willing to marry you? You have to believe a thing in order to see it. You have to have faith that God will do what He said. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. What are you hoping for? Where is your hope found? I cannot answer these questions for you, but you certainly can.

This will be a process. We are called to transform by the renewing of our minds. It’s time to transform and renew. It’s time to shift your mindset. This may require letting go of some old thinking patterns. This may require a new friend group that encourages you and believes what you do. Changing your mindset is not easy. This may be one of the most challenging steps, but that’s why it’s first. Your mindset will set the tone for your entire existence, not just about dating and marriage.

Who are You?

Changing your mindset will naturally lead to the next question, who are you as a person? I’m not asking what have you accomplished in your life? Do not list your titles and accolades. I’m talking about the person under all of that. Are you kind? Encouraging? Supportive? Are you the type of person you would want in your life? The life of your child? Self-assess and correct. Make sure you have what you’re asking for.

Now, I’m not telling you to condemn yourself. Self-assessment doesn’t have anything to do with thinking negatively about yourself. You are a child of The Most High. You are still valuable and precious in His sight. See yourself as He sees you.  Begin to think about yourself in the same way that He thinks of you. Look at yourself in the same light as God. This way you won’t accept anything less than God’s best because you’ll see that’s exactly what you are too.

Calling

Being who God called you to be will inevitably attract the type of man you want to be with. I believe with all my heart that walking confidently in God’s will is going to lead to the man your heart desires. No more Ishmaels, only Isaacs from here on out. That’s God’s promise. God’s word accomplishes exactly what it was sent to do. The only question is do you believe it? How can God do what He needs to do if you not believe He will do it? It’s impossible to please God without faith. So, in faith make a plan to get that man. Don’t use waiting on God as an excuse to sit still and do nothing. 

My Plan

Your plan should include God in every aspect. What goals do you have? What measurable action steps are you taking? I’m not one to share something and not do it, so here’s a snippet of my marriage plan.

  1. Specific Goal: Marriage
  2. Measurable: 
    1. Two dates per month 
    2. Speak to and converse with at least 3 new men per week
    3. Pray/journal for my husband every day
  3. Attainable: I take public transit to and from work and I am on at least 2 dating apps. I can attain the goal of speaking to and conversing with 3 new men per week.
  4. Realistic: I will have to push myself out of my comfort zone to get this, but it will be done.
  5. Timebound: Marriage by 36 years old

There are a lot more details in my plan, but I want to give you an idea to let you know you are not alone. I’m working on my mindset and seeing myself as God sees me. I pray and ask God to help me walk more confidently in my calling so that I can be prepared for everything that He has for me. I read and listen to His word so that my faith may increase. Life isn’t all about getting a man. I’m still pursuing other goals in God with the same vigor and specificity. This plan is the work I’m putting behind my faith for marriage. A plan will work in other areas of our lives too.

When it’s all said and done remember Valentine’s Day is just a day. We got through this one just like we have gotten through all the other ones. Valentine’s Day does not determine our self-worth or our value as women. The lack of romantic interest on Valentine’s Day or on any day does not diminish anything about us. We are still strong, loving, and amazing women. Keep pressing forward and remember to be led by the Holy Spirit in everything! 

Recommended Resources

www.singleinchrist.org/dating-slump

Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Frustrated Woman

Situationship

Posted on January 31, 2020

Transparency moment: I tripped and fell into a full-blown situationship. Now, for those of you who haven’t heard, a situationship is the space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship. In other words, it’s nothing tangible. It doesn’t represent anything. This word was created because that’s the only way to describe it. It’s not a relationship but it’s also not a friendship. It is that in-between stage where feelings are involved but no rules apply. It’s a horrible spot. So, how did I get there?

How I Fell

I finally am free of this whateverness that I dealt with for a year. I was warned, told, and flat out shown that he was not my husband. That feeling in my gut said no, but I ignored the red flags. I thought he could maybe be the one with time. All along I couldn’t commit. In the back of my mind, I wondered if this was for me or if he was for me. God told me long ago I’d marry and I’d know when I met him. So when people told me I was their wife along the way, I knew they were lying. This situationship started differently though, he had me questioning if my intuition was off.

He said and did all the right things until he didn’t. It was gradual. So gradual in fact that I didn’t even notice things were different until all the niceties that drew me in completely stopped. I then realized I operated under the assumption that things would get back to normal. The calls, dates, and hand-holding would resume. They didn’t. I thought the long meaningful conversations would return. They stopped happening altogether. It turned into a situationship.

The Break-Up

I called it out, I said I wanted more and would walk away from this nothingness. He stepped it up for a little while then it turned right back into a complicated situationship. See, I had no real right to demand more because we weren’t in a relationship, but my feelings were definitely involved at that point. So, now I have to break up with someone I’m not even with. How does that work? I tried 3 good times before it stuck. Each time the “break up” didn’t work it was my fault. I would respond to a text or answer a call and it would start all over again. This last time I was determined to let it go. I said my goodbye and blocked him. Hey, sometimes you have to do it. I wholeheartedly believe in the blocked ministry. Not only did I block him on my phone, but on all social media as well. Then I deleted the text thread and his number from my phone.

The End

That last part hurt a little. It was the end of my holding on to something I knew I was supposed to let go of a long time ago. While it hurt, it was also freeing. There was a sweet release in finally being obedient to God. How much better could I have felt if I was obedient immediately? Where would my life be now had I been obedient immediately and followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit as soon as I heard it? I can’t say. All I know now is that God certainly wants what’s best for me. I also know that I’m willing to follow His lead in order to obtain it. I’m worth God’s best. There will not be another situationship in my future. There will only be God’s destiny. His will shall prevail in my life. This time I’m willing to obey.

Thanks for joining me on my journey through singleness!

Kim

Recommended Resources

Dating and Courting

Singleness

dating slump

Dating Slump

Posted on January 18, 2020

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 17:16 — 31.6MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Pandora | RSS | More

Lately, I’ve been in a dating slump. I’m tired of the dating process.  Each step takes so much energy and time. It’s an exhausting thing. Let’s break it down.

The Meet-Cute

You know that first time you meet someone whether online or in public? In movies, it’s called a ” meet-cute.” It’s a scene where two people may eventually form a future romantic couple meets for the first time. Usually under humorous or ” cute ” circumstances. That hasn’t necessarily been my experience in real life but let’s roll with it. You meet a guy and you two hit it off. Laughter, flirtatious conversation, and the exchange of telephone numbers commence. Y’all are really feeling each other. You depart and then is the next stage. There’s no real energy exerted during the meet-cute because it’s natural and easy. You’re usually enjoying the moment. Plus, you don’t know this man. There’s no real reason to be stressed.

Getting to Know You

After the meet-cute is the getting to know you stage. At this point is where the dating fatigue usually sets in for me. Here come the same old questions that you always hear. When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite color? etc… Tired of the same old questions I found a list of interesting questions online to shake things up a bit. However, my attempt failed. I found that a lot of men were resistant. I even explained to one man why I ask the questions. Only to get the response “Oh.”

Sir, that’s it? Nothing else? No interesting questions in response? Oh ok, onto the next. Which is why I’m in this dating slump. I’m tired of it. I know I have to power through this, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I desire marriage but this dating thing is for the birds. I’m quickly approaching apathy.

Apathy

I’ m not excited to date at all anymore. The fun has been sucked out by all of the lackluster conversations I’ve had lately. Now, I know I’ m partly to blame. In the beginning, dating was actually fun. I had a good time and enjoyed being out meeting new people. Somewhere along the line, it became a chore. It became a routine song and dance and I fell into the lull of monotony. As my interest waned so did the energy and quality of men I met. It’s a vicious cycle.

People have suggested that when I meet “the one” it will be different, that the dating slump will be over. Maybe I’ll have the same attitude and he’ll be turned off. Or, maybe he’ll see through the apathy and push to be with me. I have no idea. What  I do know is that every time I feel this apathy and frustration with anything in my life, it means that I have been relying on my own strength. In this journey, I started thinking I could do it on my own. Obviously I cannot. My own way has led to exhaustion and frustration. I need to rely on God.

Time with God

This slump extends to more than one area of my life. I feel exhausted, lost, and unenthused. Therefore, I need to spend more time with Him. I literally cannot do this on my own. His wisdom and spirit must guide my every decision; especially who I want to date. I want to date and eventually be married so I have to rely on God to show me who to date.  Fun fact, a long time ago I asked God to hold my heart in His hands and only give it to the man who asked Him for it. Since then, I have snatched my heart back so many times and given it to whoever I deemed worthy. Only consulting God on a few occasions.

It’s finally time to leave my heart in His hands. It’s finally time to leave my entire life in His hands. I’m going to pray and praise my way out of this slump. On the dating front, I’m going to take things a little slowly. I’ll take my time and seek God for real. Honestly, what’s the rush? I’ve already waited this long, might as well keep going and see what’s on the other side of my prayerful obedience.

The Journey

I’m not sure of the specifics, but I know I’ll be married to a wonderful man one day. I’ll tell him about my journey and we’ll laugh together. Then we’ll thank God for bringing us together. It’s all working for my good. Every straight-faced LOL and all of the repetitive questions will help me to get to my destination in God. Through Him, I can renew my mindset and perspective on dating. I’m coming out of this dating slump! I’m coming out of this life slump! I know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Thanks for joining me on a journey through singleness.

-Kim

We also recommend:

Vulnerable

Dusty Man Trap

Posted on September 7, 2019
falling short with dusty men

Overall dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some really great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently I fell into a dusty man trap.  I usually don’t dwell too much on the unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it’s necessary. Here’s how I fell into a dusty-man trap.

I always protect the innocent, so I’ll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It’s not personal. I have 5 things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him. 

  1. Christian
  2. Have a job
  3. Have a car
  4. Have his own place to stay
  5. No more than 1 child, but preferably none

How it Started

I mentioned those criteria because I went out on 2 dates with a guy that, unbeknownst to me, didn’t meet any of them. He was a dusty man.  Let’s start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don’t remember why we stopped, I just remember that we did. 

Then summer hits and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It’s Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. During the course of this chatting, I ask why we initially stopped talking and he changed the subject.  Looking back that should have been my first red flag.

We had trouble finding a time to go out because I’m a busy woman. I don’t cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about 2 weeks before we actually met up. During this time I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time.

The Meetup

A couple of days before we are supposed to go out he calls and says that he just has to see me. I said we’re supposed to go out soon can’t you just wait? He said no, he has to see me right away. This is a Sunday morning and I’m getting ready for church. I really didn’t have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag.

I get ready super fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I’m always talking about. It’s late June or early July, but either way, it’s super hot. The air in my car isn’t working that well so I’m sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up.  He hops out of the car in the most unflattering outfit I’ve ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn’t quite cover his ashy knees, and slides.

Disappointment

At this point I’m thinking to myself, you just had to see me and this is how you look? I’m super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God’s gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn’t wait until our date to see me.

He’s licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I really don’t remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don’t say anything because I’m hot and annoyed. Plus he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes then say I need to leave. At this point, I’m devising a plan in my head on how to let him down easy. But it didn’t go exactly as planned. 

Falling Into the Trap

The next day I call him and we’re keeping it light at first. Talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I’m not romantically interested and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap.  As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and that he lost his debit card. It sounds really suspicious but I say ok, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he really wants to see me again.

We go out, he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time.  He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I’m determined to break things off. Then he asks me for a ride home. I give him one and on my way back to my house I am fussing at myself for going out with this dusty, crusty man.  Mind you, he didn’t dress any better for our date. 

The more we talk, the more I find out about him. He really doesn’t have a job. He also doesn’t have a stable place to live. He goes in-between family member’s houses. There’s nothing wrong with this. I get that that people go through hard times, but why lie about it and try to date on top of that?

Lessons Learned

But, I ended up going out with him again. Don’t ask me why. Perhaps I needed to learn a lesson about smooth-talking dusty men. Maybe I thought I could help. In the end, I realized that I’m not the type of woman that can date potential. I need to see some actual results. I need to see your plan taking shape. I’m not asking any man to be at the final place, but I need to see steps being taken in that direction.

I also learned not to be so hard on myself. I should not have gone out with Gary. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because he had nice pictures online. Those pictures didn’t match reality by the way.  I serve a forgiving God who said there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If I’m in Christ, which I am, why should I condemn and be so hard on myself? I had to forgive myself for being foolish, believing lies, and falling into a dusty-man trap.  I survived though. Now, I will pay attention to red flags. 

I had to go back to God and find out what I really want. I won’t be making a dusty man mistake again. I can move forward with the knowledge that God wants me to be happy and that I will be.  Still out here dating, but I’m taking my time. Vetting men a little more than I used to. I’m grateful for the experience. Glad to know that God’s got me even when I mess up.

Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness!

Kim

Recommended Reading:

http://www.singleinchrist.org/a-prayer-for-you/

www.singleinchrist.org/dating-lessons-learned/

www.glendablogz.com

Dating Lessons

Posted on August 24, 2019
Dating Lessons Learned

I’ve never dated so much in my life. I’ve been on many dates with several men. I have had so much fun. Now, I have a better understanding of what I want. Here are my top five dating lessons learned:

Lesson 1: Surrender

Through this dating process, I’ve let go of a lot of my ideas about love. I learned to surrender. I learned to be vulnerable. I am still learning how to feel my emotions without being led by them. I learned how to say what I want. Being with someone for the rest of my life will require me to give of myself, sometimes more than I’m comfortable with.

Honesty, vulnerability, and transparency are all areas in which I struggle. It’s hard for me to let go of my ideas and plans. Once I truly let go, I see how beautiful life can be. When I surrender, I see God at work and I move out of the way. The same thing happens with relationships. When I stop trying to control the outcome everything turns out greater than I ever expected.

Lesson 2: I’m the Prize

Placing a high value on my self-worth has allowed other people to treat me as such.  When God created me He made a masterpiece. He created something beautiful. Why would I allow anyone to treat me as something less? How can I treat myself as something less than the best? I deserve to be pursued. I do not have to compromise. I will have what God wants for me. I am the prize.

Lesson 3: Where My Hope Comes From

Dating has its ups and downs. There will be periods of time where I hit it off with every guy I like, and then there are periods of time where things just aren’t clicking. During the low moments, it’s easy to get discouraged. When a guy I like ghosts, often the first thought is that I did something wrong. It was during these moments that I had to rely on God and His promises to get me through.

He never promised that I wouldn’t struggle, but He did promise that He already overcame this trouble-filled world. I had to remember, in good times and in bad, that whatever the outcome is my hope will remain in Jesus. My confidence isn’t in me, it’s in Him who works through me. This helped me adjust my attitude when things went left, and to maintain my attitude when things went my way.

Lesson 4: Keep God First

This may sound silly but for a long time, I thought in order to be a real Christian and keep God first I couldn’t do much else. I thought in order to stay on the straight and narrow, I could only go to work, church, and home. The problem with that was that it was boring. I wasn’t meeting anyone, especially not men, and I was losing sight of what God had promised me.

It’s weird, but dating made me put God first. I was very intentional about keeping God involved in my dating process. I prayed before going out, I prayed on the way there, I prayed about the guy. I studied more scripture to make sure I was sober-minded. I asked friends and family for advice and to hold me accountable. This habit spilled over into other areas of my life. Now I know that as long as He’s first, everything else will fall into place.

Lesson 5: I Am A Wife

I believe I’m in the position to be found. I declare I’m a wife now. No, I’m not married yet and there is no potential man in the picture right now. But I declare that I am a wife right now. Yes, I can cook and clean and fulfill all of those domestic duties, but being a wife is about more than that. To do a little humble bragging, I have a good character. I can listen, help, support, encourage, pray, believe, love, and make money. There are definitely still things I need to learn about being a wife but I know I am a good thing. I am a wife.

Bonus Lesson: What I Want

I know I want a man who loves God more than he will ever love me. I want a man who’s responsible with money. I want a worshipper. I want a spiritual leader. I want someone who will pray with me and for me. 
Now, I realize the importance of having Christ as the foundation. Maybe dating as I have isn’t the path for everyone. I’m happy God took me along this path though. While it hasn’t been easy, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. 

So here’s my truth. I want to be married. While I’m thankful that I’ve had to opportunity to meet so many great men, I want my husband. Dating has been amazing. But, what I really want is my husband and family. What I truly want is to allow God to do His job and I put in the work of me dating men I can see myself marrying.

I started this journey because I want every promise God has for me. I’m determined to see His goodness in the land of the living. This isn’t the end of me dating. It’s the beginning of my taking dating seriously. So, prayerfully I will not be dating for long (please Jesus). Of course, it will happen in His timing and I’m in no rush. Until then, thanks for joining me on this journey of being Single In Christ.

-Kim

We also recommend:

http://www.singleinchrist.org/mystory

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi_zkBNDJLU1HPRR80SbXNA

Online Dating

Online Dating: Why I Went Back

Posted on April 26, 2019


I went back to online dating simply because I wanted to date and it’s the easiest way to meet new people. The real question is why did I stop in the first place?

Broken

To answer that question let’s go all the way back to 2012. I was fresh out of a five-year relationship. I was broken-hearted and crushed. I was too through with men and knew I needed time to heal. So, I intentionally took a three-year break from dating. During those three years, I got to know myself and found God for real. He restored me. Then in 2015, I figured I was ready to get back out into the dating world. So, I joined Plenty of Fish (POF).

Exhausted

During the year of 2015, I dated a lot. I went out with everybody who asked. I had no idea how to date. I was talking to about 7 men at once.  I was constantly texting, going out on dates, and talking on the phone with men. It was popping, but I wasn’t having fun. I couldn’t build anything of substance because there were just too many men. I got tired of surface-level conversations. But what else could there be? I literally had no time to interact with any of them on a deeper level.

I quit dating out of pure frustration and exhaustion. I needed a break to rest. I was so tired. During my rest period, I figured that this wasn’t the right way to date. So, I tightened my dating criteria and decided to get back out there.

Restricted

2016 was the year of three bad dates. I refused to go out with just anyone. I was trying to be smart about dating. I wanted marriage and my past method wouldn’t work. So, I wrote a list of 70+ things that I required for a man to have to date me. Problem is that man doesn’t exist. I put so much pressure on myself to find the perfect man, I developed anxiety. The last date I went on that year was horrible. It was so bad I quit dating for almost 2 years. I gave up hope.

Lonely

In 2017 I went on no dates. I was lonely, frustrated, and confused. I thought dating would help bring me out of a slump. Crazy right? So, I joined POF again.  Of course, I only met some rusty, crusty, dusty dudes. I thought maybe my filters weren’t good enough. I reset them and now it was only old men. I didn’t go out with anyone this time. I was done for real this time. I even wrote a long post about how I was done with online dating. But God had other plans.

In 2018 my word for the year was whole, as in becoming a whole person. I took the time to make sure I was really whole and healed. I still had no plans to date though. I was finally happy and whole. Then, in late 2018, God told me He wanted me to write about dating. How could I do that if I was sitting at home alone all the time?

No More Breaks

In late 2018, I joined multiple datings sites, started dating, and haven’t looked back. There won’t be any more breaks from dating. I don’t put so much pressure on myself to meet my husband anymore. It will happen in God’s timing and I’m okay with that. I decided this time would be fun and it has been. Dating multiple men at once is still how I choose to date. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I love it. I’ve learned my limit is two men at once. Being open and honest up front is the key. I’m going to keep dating and having fun until I meet my husband.

The Difference

Here’s the difference between all my other dating experiences and now; I am in control this time. All of those other times, I let the men dictate and control. I stopped doing what I wanted to accommodate them. Looking back, I thought this was the way to keep a man. Now, I feel this dating path is God-ordained. I know this dating period will result in marriage.

Anxiety and nerves used to take over on dates. Having fun and flirting was so far from my mind. I was so focused on finding my husband, I treated men as objects. Now, I date on my terms. My anxiety has dissipated. Dating can be fun and holy. While I dated multiple men, there’s been no kissing, no hugging, and barely any hand-holding. Full transparency though, I’m only dating one man now and we hug, hold hands, and have the occasional kiss. It’s still on my terms and we still keep it holy.

What Now?

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to trust God and enjoy the process. Online dating isn’t for everybody. God had to change my mindset before it worked for me. I had to let go of a lot of old ideas and be sure of what I wanted before I could date. I pray God gives you that same freedom whether you date online or meet men in real life. I pray you don’t give up as easily as I did either. The journey can be just as rewarding as the destination. As always, thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness. Be sure to be let the Holy Spirit guide you in everything you do!

-Kim

P.S. I only started dating one guy two weeks ago. He’s the same guy that wants to be exclusive. He keeps asking to meet my support system and I kept stalling. I finally invited him to church because that’s the easiest way to meet everyone. I’ll keep you all posted.